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What the WHAT.

Time. It has passed.

So basically when I got back from Paris, it became clear that the summer was over. The post-it note that has my list of goals for the summer…I mean, I knew it was ambitious, but I’d expected to at least be able to cross off ONE thing. No. Most of my projects have hit a wall where I don’t know how the fuck to approach them anymore, except the one where each new batch of data takes me down a weirder and weirder path… Really? That’s what people did? Uuuuuh…okay. And then I had to push all that to the back burner to get ready for classes. Panic panic panic why am I panicking? I have tenure. Everything is fine. Anyway, things feel a bit more in control now.

I just took the babies to our local fire station. It was so cool. Fire engines are really large, turns out. And they had a whole fridge all for condiments in their kitchen. The firefighter said they really do all eat meals together, which, I don’t know, I find that really charming.  It is the last Saturday of the babies’ summer, so this was a nice way to spend it.

On Monday, Bunlet turns four. On Wednesday, Bun Bun will be a kindergartner. In a couple of months, Bunter will be one year old. She is sitting up and dragging herself around on the floor and has two teeth. Bun Bun dances around to make Bunter laugh. No one can make her laugh the way her older sister can. And now I can get Bun Bun to read me books while I lie on the sofa. It’s the best. And Bunlet puts the laundry down the laundry chute for me, and makes sure his small sister doesn’t get into dangerous mischief.

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I’ve been doing my best to stay in the strange Baby Headspace that being on leave with Bunter put me in. Reminding myself that I only have to do This One Thing that I am currently doing, instead of spooling up into a terrible state of anxiety thinking of the Giant List. Some days are easier than others. The real test will come when I start teaching again. But I don’t know, right now it feels like it might be possible.

I’ve been growing lots of vegetables. Most of the things I planted did not work out at all, but this year for some reason I got lots of beets. Okay! I love beets!

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And while the tomatoes that I carefully nurtured from seeds looked like they were going to die for mooonths, the ones that volunteered themselves from the ground (seeds! They get dispersed!) are doing great. So I guess I should not bother planting things in the future, but just see what comes up. Like, is this a message to not try so fucking hard?

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Spot the volunteer.

So that’s us. What about you?

 

Paris: Not so horrible after all

So there’s this stereotype that the French are arrogant assholes. Maybe they are and I’m just so endearing that I bring out the best in them. Or it’s also possible that, for once, a stereotype is untrue. Quel Miracle. One of my colleagues suggested that the stereotype used to be truer, but there’s been a cultural change. I don’t know, I’m just a bit ashamed that I was so intimidated by these people, who have been so kind. They allow me to limp along in French (which I’ve never studied, but Latin + Spanish + how is it one manages to pick up so much French vocabulary? I really don’t know…) and then when things get tricky they switch to English in a way that doesn’t make me feel humiliated.

I haven’t traveled abroad alone in a long ass time. As my trip draws to a close, I have some observations. First, unless you are traveling with someone who knows all the languages and is very good at making decisions, it may be easier to travel alone. When I’ve traveled with other people, we spend a lot of time wandering in circles because none of us can pull the trigger, on, say, sitting down at a particular café. This one? This one? This one? *All starve to death* By myself, there’s no one to have an opinion but me. There’s also no one to be embarrassed by the language barrier but me. It somehow takes the pressure off. Second, I have changed quite a bit since the last time I did this. I am still timid, but I used to be SO TIMID. I was so afraid of dining in a restaurant that I’d eat every meal in my hotel. Now while I am still tempted to eat in my hotel, the prospect of alcohol gets me out on the street.

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I’ve become a lot more confident as I’ve aged, and I think becoming a parent has a lot to do with that, though I don’t quite know what the connection is. Finally, DAMN, traveling is much easier in the era of the smartphone. No more wrestling with maps and guidebooks. Want to find a lovely toy store? BAM. Found.

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Cadeaux pour les enfants

I suppose it might cut down on the look at the charming thing I discovered just by wandering experiences a bit, but I still managed to have one of those even if the charming thing I discovered was a lot of prostitutes.

Also, I can’t thank you enough for your suggestions. They had a really magical effect. They inspired me, and reminded me that there are lots of things I enjoy. I planned to do a great many of them, but only managed to find an adorable fabric store before my walking feet gave out.

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It’s easy to find cotton, even in my sad city, but this place had tons of beautiful viscose, which is my preferred fabric for dresses.

My conference went well. The room was packed for both my talks, which made me feel good. And I had many good scholarly interactions. I am now an Old in this community, but this was validating rather than depressing, on account of how the young sprouts gazed up at me with such admiration.

I miss the babies very much, and the constant pumping is a weird addition to my professional experience. I am a bit worried about my supply being totally shot when I get home, but there’s not much I can do because if I pump any more than I have, been my nipples will fall off.

So that’s the news. Now I will watch this TV show which I believe is about dysfunctional families being healed through the power of doing an obstacle course (????) until it’s time to brave the streets for one more dinner.

 

In the blink of an eye

On Tuesday afternoon I will board a plane for Paris, where I will attend a conference, sans famille. I will be gone for five days. Oh, you lucky creature! PARIS! Without your family! I am so envious! you cry. And I should feel that way, I admit, but I don’t. I feel scared and sad. Scared to leave my family during what feels like a dangerous time. Those of you who know where I live know I have some small reasons for extra anxiety about the State of the World.

SAD to be parted from my baby, despite the fact that she is a nine month old, with several teeth. But she is still a baby, and I hate, hate, hate to leave her.

As I’ve written before, if you like traveling, you can’t really understand the mind of She Who Hates Travel, just as She Who Hates Travel can’t really understand your mind, but I beg of you, please don’t tell me how much fun I will have and how weird it is that I am not looking forward to this. I am not, and being told I should be just makes me feel bad. I expect to enjoy the conference because it’s all my favorite people and topics, but there’s a wide gulf between arriving there and recovering from jetlag and entering into Professional Mode and feeling okay, and the wrenching myself out of my safe, cozy routine that is looming large on my horizon. I was explaining this to someone yesterday and asking her for a good mantra to help me with the departure part, and she suggested In the blink of an eye. You’ll be back again in the blink of an eye. So true. This trip is so tiny. Obviously in the sense of geological time–my week away matters not at all for the Arctic sea ice melting away, but even in the sense of my own brief life. In the blink of an eye, this will all be behind me.

So that is helping. I also remember when I wrote a similar post about having to go to Vancouver, and Misfit (miss you, Misfit…) suggested that I find one nice thing to do while I was there, so I made a plan for a massage and a trip to a fancy shoe store. And that helped so much. So! If you know Paris, help me find one small thing to do, as I’ll have a day to myself. I am not interested in museums, or THE SIGHTS, particularly, but love to wander around. Where should I wander?

Certified Humane Mamas: An address to the American Council of Infants

It’s an honor to speak to the American Council of Infants. No other forum provides a better chance to discuss topics that matter to babies. *Happy cooing*

Today’s address is directed at those of you who are breastfed. You formula-fed babies probably have IQs so low that you won’t understand me anyway.*

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American babies are increasingly concerned about where their food comes from. I know many babies who will only nurse from an organic mama because of concerns about the pesticides used on crops that non-organic mamas consume. Babies are also concerned about how using these pesticides (and chemical fertilizers) is impacting our our soil and our ecosystem. *Loud wailing*

While not all babies have access to an organic mama, and the cost of an organic mama can be prohibitive, I do urge you to nurse from an organic mama whenever possible. *Gurgles of contentment.*

In fact, I’m actually here to say: An organic mama is not enough. I want to talk to you about Certified Humane mamas.

Like an organic mama, a Certified Humane (CH) mama’s care has to meet strict standards. For example, both organic and CH mamas have access to fresh air and exercise, food grown without pesticides, and are not treated with antibiotics. Even when they get mastitis.

However, a CH mama’s care must also meet requirements for kindness and responsible care. In general, CH animals must be permitted to “do what comes naturally”. What comes naturally to my CH mama is going into the basement and watching Netflix while drinking cocktails. I allow her to do this after I’m in bed every day. This isn’t the most efficient use of my mama, so why do I do it? Well, for two reasons. First, milk from CH mamas simply tastes better. I believe that in time we’ll be able to show that it’s more nutritious, though there’s no evidence  at this time. Second, mamas may just be animals, but I believe they should be treated with compassion. While it might serve me better to keep her up all night so she can cuddle me, or insist that she nurse me all day every day, or keep her in a crate so that I can always find her, these practices stress mamas. Stressed mamas get sick more often and may end up producing less milk. *Angry fussing*

Again, I know a CH mama is not possible for all babies. But I believe that making babies aware of CH handling for mamas can help change the way mamas are treated. In the end, CH treatment is better not just for mamas, but also for babies. *Fat hands clap together*

 

*I fucking hate that breastmilk raises IQs! claim, so this is 100% satirical. In case you’re not familiar with my sense of humor and think I would actually give someone shit for formula feeding. Which I myself did.

First summer

Friday was the last day of the toddler’s first school year (preschool, that is). That makes this their first official summer. Since we’re already paying someone to take care of them, we’re not bothering with camp or anything crazy like that, they’re doing Old School summer. Long days of nothing in particular. I got the plastic pool out and put the ice cream thing in the freezer.

Right now they’re both sobbing, and it’s raining, and there are a million mosquitoes, but that’s their daddy’s problem.

Bunter is also having her first summer.

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That’s probably the only strawberry we’re going to get, given the voracious chipmunks and birds, so I’m glad she got it.

Not taking it personally and not getting in the way

A while back I had my first parent-teacher conference at the Buns’ preschool. At first I had a hard time taking it seriously (because…parent teacher conference? For tiny babies?), but before I knew it I was convinced that I was ruining my child.

Bun Bun scored quite a few “needs work”, in areas that surprised me. I think of her as good at articulating her thoughts and feelings. Teacher said she is quiet and it’s hard to get her to respond to questions. The subtext, at least based on the examples given, was she’s afraid she’s done something wrong and is facing some kind of discipline. So naturally I interpreted this as a critique of my parenting. Along the lines of what are you doing at home that this child is so terrified of answering a simple question about some cupcakes?

Later I was able to take a breath and remember that my childhood of isolation and shyness and anxiety is not her childhood. Yes, she may well end up introverted for reasons of temperament, genetics, and environment, but she is her own sweet self. It’s not all about me. I am not always the problem.

But sometimes I am the problem. Like with toilet training Bunlet. Probably for a year Bunlet had been toilet trained for pee but always took a dump in his diaper during nap/nights. I was determined not to pressure him, but UGGH, SO SICK OF IT. One day about three months ago his nanny decided to leave the door to his room open so he could go into the bathroom during his nap, whereas we’d always closed it for fear he’d escape and wreak havoc. (A reasonable fear, if you knew Bunlet.) Since then, no more shitty diapers. Not one. He was ready, we were just getting in the way.

So how do you know if you are the problem? The hallmark of getting in the way is that you don’t know you’re doing it…

Then this week I had an experience that I’d classify as neither being the problem nor getting in the way, i.e., doing things right. Bun Bun is reaching reading age. I have been doing my best to not get obsessed with it, secure in the knowledge that any kid who loves books as much as Bun Bun does is going to learn to read someday. That it’s not a threat to her eventual world domination if other kids her age surpass her, or if younger kids surpass her, that there’s nothing I need to be doing (because we already naturally do the things you’re supposed to do), etc. Watching other parents I know deal with kindergarten decision-making has tested my resolve to not freak out, but I’ve held strong and only freaked out a little. (I’m denying her best possible start due to my laziness/conflicted feelings!) However, school’s about to be out so I thought we might want to incorporate some reading practice into our lives so she doesn’t get rusty. (I have no idea what they do around reading in her classroom. Nothing, as far as I can tell.) So I got some of those books where the adult reads a page and the learner reads a page, thinking we’d labor through a few pages and it would be frustrating for her. Turns out the child can read. Not fluently or without assistance, of course, but to a degree that I was totally unaware of. Stealthy little fucker has learned to read, by gum.

So I did well with not taking it personally, this time. Now I just have to make sure I don’t somehow get in the way.

 

Revenge of the spurned ovaries

Another super short luteal phase, another yeast infection. It’s only the third yeast infection of my entire life, and I tell you what, THIS SUCKS. I am trying the yogurt approach. Has anyone had success with this? Should I be going to the drug store instead of wasting time basting my nethers with with dairy products?

Anyway, at least I know why it’s all happening. My ovaries are pissed about the tubal ligation. There they are, happily preparing top notch oocytes and sending them off…And they’re going nowhere. I mean, they’re going somewhere, but then they’re just drifting off into an abyss. Imagine how you’d feel if you did brilliant work and watched someone just through it away? Wouldn’t you want to take revenge? So they’re clearly orchestrating this endless assault to my lady parts.

Time to start googling how + appease + angry ovaries, right?

 

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