The anxiety begins
Last night I had a dream in which I was in France for a conference or something, and stopped in at a clinic for a consult with a French RE. Apparently there was something wrong that needed urgent redress. The doctor talked at length but I had no ability to grasp what he was saying. As I was wheeled into surgery he asked if I had any last questions. “I have no fucking idea what’s going on,” I replied. WHAT DOES THIS DREAM MEAN? Get out your Jungian texts, please.
I know that people say a laparoscopy is no big deal. And clearly it can’t be that bad if you recover so quickly. But I’ve never had surgery before, so am becoming more anxious as the date approaches. First of all, I fear the BOWEL PREPARATION. I don’t have any idea what that will be like, but I feel certain it euphemistically describes something that I will not enjoy. The materials from my clinic say that the BOWEL PREPARATION will prevent certain complications during surgery. I’m guessing they’re talking about risk of infection and such, but I can’t help imagining other scenarios.
Second, I fear that I will wake up to be told my doctor has diced up both my ovaries and chopped up my fallopian tubes and that a hysterectomy was performed to prevent me from bleeding to death or something. That my womb has been replaced by a bunch of wadded up newspaper. He will press on my abdomen and it will be like crinkle crinkle.
Third, I fear that they will find something that can’t be removed, or that will be difficult to remove and will grow back instantly, or that will require the more frightening surgery, the myomectomy. The one that means I’d have to have a C-section if I ever had a baby to deliver.
I’m not sure what to hope, in fact. If they don’t find anything, we go straight to IVF. And after dealing with probabilities like 5% and 15%, 50% sounds so good. But I should be hoping they find something easy to fix, right? That there’s a chance I could go back to conceiving through natural means, and that we could spend that money on reparing our decomposing bathroom instead of a treatment with a 50% chance of failure.