The New Baby Situation
When I started writing yesterday I actually intended to ask your advice about something, but ended up reflecting on my pseudo pregnancy instead. So I’m going to get back to the advice-asking, after a quick detour.
Detour: It occurred to me that one of my thousands (perhaps millions?) of faithful readers might have been taken aback when I admitted to having been sorta pregnant once. That reader might have thought, Don’t you realize there’s a huge difference between never having seen even the faintest of lines on a test and having seen that nebulous sign of the ghost of a baby? If I’d ever seen such a thing, I’d get enormous comfort from it, knowing that the possibility of achieving pregnancy exists. How can you be so cavalier about the fact that you’re in a whole other category of infertility? You totally deceived me and I’ll never read another post. You might think with millions (perhaps billions?) of readers I wouldn’t care about preserving that one person, but I wanted to offer an explanation. In case I was insensitive, but more because I want to figure out what my deal was. SO. I didn’t think of myself as someone who has been pregnant before because I never had the experience of testing and seeing a positive and having hope. (I’m enormously grateful I was spared that experience.) Instead my experience was having hope and testing and having no hope, much like every other damn month. That experience was not so bad, though it turns out it was more psychologically significant that I gave it credit for. I mean, I never even told my husband about it. Can you believe that? After writing yesterday’s post I was like, HOLY SHIT I CAN’T BELIEVE I DIDN’T TELL HIM THAT! So then I did last night and we talked about what it meant and I cried. Good times. And thank you, as always, for your kind thoughts. They made me cry, too. In a good way.
Advice: Does anyone have any thoughts on how best to approach the New Baby Situation? I’ve been thinking about how to manage my desire to be there for PBF/BFB as she goes through this amazing experience, my desire to meet her daughter (whom I anticipate I’ll instantly love with that I’d Give My Life For You kind of love one reserves for family members–unless she’s ugly, in which case I’ll be like ewww) as soon as possible, and my fear of what it will do to my heart to see BFB her holding her child. I know nothing will protect me from the pain, but if any of you have thoughts, I’d love to hear them.