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I’m an ingrate

This morning’s pregnancy test was… unnecessary, given the rivers of blood. My clinic doesn’t do betas with IUI, which I personally appreciate. I can see how it would be nice to have a decisive answer, but I’m all for avoiding trips to the clinic, and the whole waiting for a phone call part sounds sooo sucky. So that’s that. I’m weirdly not upset. I’m not sure why, and certainly not sanguine (blood pun! ha!) that misery won’t leap out and attack me at any moment, but maybe I’m going to be okay this time. Maybe because I’ve finally got something to look forward to.

MENOPAUSE. I get to try it out for 8 weeks! I’m super psyched. Maybe if I take good care of it–walk it every day, don’t forget to feed it–they’ll let me keep it.

After the first negative test I did a flurry of research and then e-mailed my RE with a bunch of questions. Yesterday he responded. As I’d suspected from my research, I get to do a course of Lupron to shrink the fibriods. So yay on that front. Really looking forward to injections and side effects. And I hear it’s cheap, too. But after the horror story he told me about performing an emergency hysterectomy to keep a patient from bleeding to death, I’ll gladly sign up for menopause if it will protect my uterus.

In addition to the news that an eight week treatment would be needed prior to surgery (which never came up before, even when we were talking about possible timelines. Dude! It’s important to mention things like this! Don’t you know your patients think about every damn thing in terms of how soon they will have a shot at pregnancy?), the conversation contained two more shockers. First was his response when I asked how soon after the surgery I could do IVF. Six to twelve months. What? He’d made it sound like we’d hop on the IVF train the moment I was recovered. And as you can tell from my last post, my bags were PACKED! So at first I was devastated. But then he informed me that eight weeks post surgery I can start trying naturally. WHAT?!?! WHAT?!?!

This next part will make you want to smack me, and that’s okay. I was disappointed to be told that I can try making a baby through sex. Part of this has to do with the fact that changes to my expectations always come with high emotion. I’m a planner and I don’t like to have my plan revised unexpectedly. And part of the disappointment comes from the fact that IVF, for all it’s tremendous agonies, does have a higher success rate than natural conception. And since I want a baby NOW NOW NOW, seeing that higher success rate recede a year into the distance was painful. But then my rational mind spoke up and I was like, Isn’t this every infertile person’s dream? To be returned to the land of fertile people? To have a shot at getting pregnant without some medical professional up to the elbow in your vagina? So I was happy. But THEN I remembered that I’m still going to be one fallopian tube down after this surgery (he doesn’t think the left tube will be functional again), so I’ll only have a shot every other month. And it’s unclear to me how much this surgery is really going to help with egg pickup on my right side, the side where it’s supposedly been possible all along. And where I’ve always had good follicles for my four failed IUIs.

So this is not actually a dream come true. But it’s not bad. If I were part of a couple with male factor or problematic eggs or other issues that close off the natural conception path quite decisively, I’d be smacking me for sure. How can I not be over the moon about the possibility of getting pregnant on our own? Well, it requires me to be patient, which I hate. And I’m a fucking pessimist already.

I’m trying to be positive, and while a 50% conception rate in the year following surgery seems to be average, I read one study with a 70% rate for women my age. (The same study also reported a 60% pregnancy LOSS in women before myomectomy. Um. HELLO! That’s enormous! Get these fuckers out of me NOW! How could anyone have recommended IUI for me?!?!) But then I think about moving into my third year of infertility, about all those months of negative tests rolling by, about the possibility for recurrence of the fibriods, about missing my chance for a year of the rabbit baby…so virtually smack me if you need to, but I’m not happy. Maybe it’s the menopause–you know cranky these hot flashes make me.

15 Comments Post a comment
  1. I'm sorry af showed up. That totally sucks. It also stinks that you may have to wait longer to continue on. I hope it doesn't take as long as they are saying and that that you get lucky.

    February 19, 2010
  2. JB #

    Lupron isn't so bad, but it's not a party, either. It gave me a creaky-bone osteoporotic feeling and headaches. Some people don't have any complaints, though, so maybe I'm just a pussy.And as for the recovery period after surgery…that can be negotiated with strongarm tactics. Once you've got the all-clear to try "naturally," there shouldn't be any barrier to prepping for an IVF cycle a month or so later. Your RE seems pretty reasonable and agreeable to adjustments, so just plan on bugging him about it.Sorry you're riding the Cotton Pony again, but glad that you have plans in place. Plans are the best friend of the IFer.

    February 19, 2010
  3. Shi#@$#t. I would've felt like I'd been punched in the stomach (and then kicked into a ditch) if someone dropped this new timeline on me. I HATE WAITING. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you with all of those various timelines in play. I had no idea the fibroids could potentially have such a negative effect on an otherwise viable pregnancy. You're so right, get those f-ers out of there.Yes, the idea of conceiving naturally is beautiful and uplifting. But it may also take time. It's a lot to swallow. You just hang on Bunny, we're here for you.PS Thank you for your lovely comment on my latest post. Yeah, I used to be sunny-sunny. Now I'm only sunny when I comment on other blogs. Hehe. Kidding, kidding! 🙂

    February 19, 2010
  4. Ah, no. So sorry about the negative, and I don't blame you at all – I'd be cranky if someone moved the goalposts on me like that – just when you were getting used to having them over there, where they WERE.Maddening! We should write a book for these RE people, called: Some Tips from Your Customers. I can think of a few…

    February 19, 2010
  5. Ooof. Sorry to hear about CD1. 😦 I know all too well the gut-punch feeling associated with a hijacked timeline, too. I don't want to slap you, and I don't think you're an ingrate. My experience is that as soon as I've made my decision–regardless of how long it took me to arrive at it or how many tears were shed over it–I'm ready to go in with guns blazing. So, I relate to just wanting to move foward and achieve your goal as swiftly as possible. I could be showing off my prize-winning ignorance here, but I'm not certain that the dueling ovaries deal is true. I feel like I have read several times that you can actually ovulate from the same ovary month to month. You might have more chances that you realize!

    February 19, 2010
  6. It does always amaze me how blase and off-the-cuff RE's can be when announcing the mountain sized wrench that is about to be thrown at your reproductive bits. I'm also a planner (a sad planner with binders for every aspect of the past two years, color coded) and this is the type of thing that drives me crazy. If you know it's coming, you can prepare yourself for it. If it just arises casually, well, it makes me want to start cutting off heads. And I feel you on the trying naturally front. I. Feel. You. There's something about placing yourself in the hands of medicine and letting IT be the designated driver for awhile that is awfully nice. And you haven't even been allowed to get up to the IVF starting gate yet. But I agree with JB about bugging earlier. If you heal quickly, I don't see any reason why he wouldn't be willing to move those goalposts a little closer. By the way, I had no idea how much a myomectomy could improve chances. Even if you lose the tube – I'm sorry:( – that's still a heck of a fertility boost. In a sense you've been operating under the cloud of impeded fertility…you are about to be released into the sylvan fields of the slightly more fertile. My fingers are crossed that in a few months you get to say: IVF who?

    February 19, 2010
  7. Oh my gosh, what a mess! Yes, hello?!? Don't they realize that we need that kind of information ASAP? Like putting off IVF for 1 YEAR!!! Wow. Good thing is they think you have a great shot at getting pregnant naturally. That's great news. I'm sorry your planned is all shot to heck, but I'm hoping it's serendipity :).

    February 19, 2010
  8. I am sorry about AF. She is a heartless bitch. The Lupron can be shit. It also isn't the worst. I had some harsh mood swings and deep bone pain, especially in the hip bones. I would push for the IVF sooner than a year. That sounds like a long ass time. Sorry that your plan has to change. Be strong and have faith. You could get your miracle.

    February 20, 2010
  9. I'm sorry for AF and the news about the extended wait post-surgery. I can imagine how frustrated you are. Oy, I am sorry…hang in there.

    February 20, 2010
  10. I, for one, will never say that patience is a virtue, either you have it or you don't. I don't. It sounds like you are getting a leg up on your odds. I'm sorry for your setback in plans. Waiting bites, no lie.

    February 20, 2010
  11. Waiting is the. worst. part. ever. That timeline is daunting.On an optimistic note (I know you're a pessimist, but whatever), like Trinity, I was under the impression that you could ovulate every month from the same ovary. Hopefully those six months (I'm not even considering the idea of a whole year for you) will buy you 6 chances at a natural pregnancy. And a 50% conception rate post-op?? Holy crap.

    February 20, 2010
  12. I think 6-12 months in IF time is like 6-12 years in fertile people time. That's FOREVER. But what I'm hoping is that this surgery puts you back on the other clock – the fertile people clock. The one where you get knocked up au naturel. The one where you don't have to have the medical professional all up to their elbow in your business. IVF? Pshaw!

    February 20, 2010
  13. JC #

    Wow, I'm sorry about the news on your timeline. That sucks! I hate waiting too, and I wouldn't be all that thrilled about trying naturally again either, pee sticks, timed BDing, ugh, I'm just so impatient and pessimistic. I'm wishing you lots of luck though and I'll be cheering you on. ((hugs))

    February 21, 2010
  14. Yeah, they should know that we're all obsessed with the calendar. What a DRAG! It's still good, forward movement, but … CRAP! I hope your spirits stay up.

    February 21, 2010
  15. ASP #

    I'm debating having a myomectomy done after this cycle is over. Probably at the beginning of the summer or sooner. Not sure. I'm a major chicken shit when it comes to medical stuff. When I orginally started seeing our RE (he specializes in fibroids), it was to see if the big honkin' ass fibroid (6cm) I had was causing any issues. It wasn't for fertility related stuff. I just wanted a second opinion on the location of the fibroid, size, surgery, etc. It's apparently not doing any of the above and RE thought it was fine for us to move forward with trying on our own. Here we are now doing the fertility treatments and I feel like the fibroid is starting to cause it's own set of issues like spotting between periods, back pain, you know the normal stuff you read that they cause. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading about your myomectomy adventure (not that I'm excited about surgery/recovery for you but you know what I mean). The stuff that I've read about women having this procedure done is that it's "the best thing they've ever done" to get rid of the crappy symptoms that sometimes accompany fibroids. Hoping it works the same for you! Good luck!

    March 2, 2010

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