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A new item from my line of depressing and exploitative products!

I’ve decided to take the Kajillions I made with my specialized pregnancy tests and develop a new product, the Fertility Bartender. Unlike those of you who are all, eh, drinking, I can take it or leave it, I really like to get my drink on. (Although I have noticed that my desire to drink tends to vanish once I actually can. That’s annoying!) I’ve got a whole bunch of months coming in which I can drink all I want, so it’s the perfect time for R&D.

How does the Fertility Bartender work? Well, it detects where you are in your cycle through the usual urine-based methods. It can also detect hCG, so functions as a pregnancy test. BUT…instead of telling you you’re not pregnant, it will serve up a cocktail recipe. Something delicious that will cheer you up in your sorry state. And once you’re in a new cycle, it will start weaning you off the hooch, with messages like HAVE SOME ORANGE JUICE INSTEAD or whatever. During the fertile window it will suggest tasty non-alcoholic beverages featuring fertility-promoting pineapple, pomegranate, and…uh…clams*. YUMMY! Pineclamtini, anyone? During the two week wait it will offer reassuring advice like NOT EVEN ONE SIP OF WINE. DON’T BE A BABY KILLER. And in the unlikely event that you do get pregnant, it will follow you through those early months with stomach-calming recipes to help with morning sickness. Clampinetini, anyone? If you would like to invest, feel free to send me a very large check. I promise not to blow all the money on IVF. ‘Cause I can’t for about eleven months.

(The recipe shown on the package is for my favorite cocktail, the One of a Pear. Shake over ice.)

*Don’t ask me, man. This is what google tells me and google knows everything.

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. I like this idea. I'd invest in it if IF had not drained both the living and financial lifeblood out of me. This little gadget might even bring me squarely back to the bottle (just not to the bottle of Clampinetini). I like the sound of One of a Pear. I really like the sound of One of a Pear. Pray tell: would Gadget be the mixologist, too?

    February 23, 2010
  2. :)This is too funny. One of the only good things about getting my period is the glass of wine I pour myself immediately. Cheers! 9-10 days until MY next drink– hey, this would be a good feature for your product. A "countdown-to-cocktail" calendar. You know, to distract you from what you are really waiting for. "In just 3 days when AF comes, will make you my very special framboiseini!" it will promise. How sweet of it.

    February 23, 2010
  3. Pure brilliance! I can see you now on Dragons' Den (which you have over there, too, right? Ignore if not! Redundant comment!)

    February 23, 2010
  4. Hahahaha. This is awesome. I'll mail you some seed money!

    February 23, 2010
  5. JB #

    The label have some crazy coat of arms, like a tampon crossed with a pee stick (you know, instead of swords). And it should have a scratch and sniff sticker that smells like gin. Just because.

    February 23, 2010
  6. You're a genius! And it reminds me that I can drink this week!

    February 23, 2010
  7. I was just doing a little wikipedia browsing on tocopherol (don't ask, it's for work), and they give this explanation of the name of the chemical: it was given the name "tocopherol" from the Greek words “τόκος” [birth], and “φέρειν”, [to bear or carry] meaning in sum "to carry a pregnancy," with the ending "-ol" signifying its status as a chemical alcohol.Alcohol to carry a pregnancy. Brilliant.

    February 23, 2010
  8. I just found your blog. It's brilliant. This idea is brilliant. You are brilliant.Not so brilliant? Me. Giving up alcohol for Lent. In the middle of a cycle. Don't make me choose between booze and Jesus, AF!

    February 23, 2010
  9. I love it. I think there's a Japanese toilet maker who might be interested. I do know that a toilet exists that will tell you if you are pregnant. I can't the ensuing neurotic behavior that would create. I'd like the attachment upgrade that just dispenses the alcohol forthwith based on the results. Brilliant!

    February 24, 2010

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