A new item from my line of depressing and exploitative products!
I’ve decided to take the Kajillions I made with my specialized pregnancy tests and develop a new product, the Fertility Bartender. Unlike those of you who are all, eh, drinking, I can take it or leave it, I really like to get my drink on. (Although I have noticed that my desire to drink tends to vanish once I actually can. That’s annoying!) I’ve got a whole bunch of months coming in which I can drink all I want, so it’s the perfect time for R&D.
How does the Fertility Bartender work? Well, it detects where you are in your cycle through the usual urine-based methods. It can also detect hCG, so functions as a pregnancy test. BUT…instead of telling you you’re not pregnant, it will serve up a cocktail recipe. Something delicious that will cheer you up in your sorry state. And once you’re in a new cycle, it will start weaning you off the hooch, with messages like HAVE SOME ORANGE JUICE INSTEAD or whatever. During the fertile window it will suggest tasty non-alcoholic beverages featuring fertility-promoting pineapple, pomegranate, and…uh…clams*. YUMMY! Pineclamtini, anyone? During the two week wait it will offer reassuring advice like NOT EVEN ONE SIP OF WINE. DON’T BE A BABY KILLER. And in the unlikely event that you do get pregnant, it will follow you through those early months with stomach-calming recipes to help with morning sickness. Clampinetini, anyone? If you would like to invest, feel free to send me a very large check. I promise not to blow all the money on IVF. ‘Cause I can’t for about eleven months.
(The recipe shown on the package is for my favorite cocktail, the One of a Pear. Shake over ice.)
*Don’t ask me, man. This is what google tells me and google knows everything.