A rant and a recipe
Here’s how I found out about that my best friend had safely delivered her child. E-mail from my husband at 5 o’clock yesterday: How was your day. Me: Okay. Anxiously waiting to hear from PBF. Him: Did you not hear they had their baby? DID YOU NOT HEAR THEY HAD THEIR BABY? No, I did NOT hear. Turns out that after a mere FOUR hours of labor Jane was born early Tuesday morning, and no-one bothered to tell me. I spent all of Tuesday worried about PBF! My husband knew well before I did (because Mr. PBF posted the news on a site I don’t have access to). Okay, I totally get that telling me is a low priority. I mean, who am I going to be mad at? PBF, who spent the entire day asleep? Mr. PBF, in the early hours of fatherhood? Uh, no. But LORDY LORD did this exacerbate my fears that I will be excluded from her life and that I don’t matter any more. (In addition, I’d asked PBF not to send photos because I was afraid they’d break my heart, but my stupid husband sent one, and I couldn’t resist looking. Heart = broken.) So that fucking sucked and I cried my eyes out. But later I exchanged a few e-mails with PBF that made me feel a lot better. I was reminded that she’s still the same person, and while things will be different and I’ll have to be patient and not a selfish asshole (a major challenge for me), she’s not going to abandon me. I just need to repeat that to myself every fifteen minutes. She’s not going to abandon me.
So after all the weeping I was like, I NEED A DRINK. I happened to have a grapefruit in the house so I attempted to recreate a drink my husband had while we were in New York (and that I had only a tiny sip of, to protect the nothing-at-all in my empty uterus). The drink is called an Ear.l Greyho.und, and consists of earl grey infused vodka and grapefruit juice. I tried 2 parts grapefruit and 1.5 parts earl grey infused vodka (that is, about three oz vodka with a couple of tablespoons of loose leaf earl grey, left to sit for a few hours) plus a splash of simple syrup. The result was delicious, though it may not accurately reflect the original. So if you can drink, I recommend it. Drinking in general, but also the recipe.
Finally, thank you for all your kind words yesterday. It was a tough day, and it somehow helped to have people telling me that I will be a mother someday. I don’t BELIEVE YOU, but I was nonetheless comforted.