I met my psuedo-niece on Thursday, and it wasn’t so bad. I was really nervous about it–I guess I was afraid I’d fall apart completely in some humiliating fashion. But no. BFB (that’s Best Friend with Baby–PBF’s new title) was very much her normal self, not transformed into some disturbing mommy creature. She was also surprisingly chipper. I guess there’s a period very early on where things are pretty easy because the infant sleeps all the time, and then things get a lot worse for a while. Jane was a miraculous little object. When she was sleeping peacefully in my arms her face looked just like BFB’s. Then she would wrinkle it up in distress and look just like Mr. BFB. She really is a fairly attractive baby, with a perfect rosebud mouth. BFB got a little teary eyed at the sight of me holding her child. I got a little teary eyed at a variety of things. The hardest part, though, was looking at Mr. Bunny, who had a stricken look of poorly-disguised despair on his face. I think he gets all the hard parts of the experience with little of the happiness. It made me feel extra shitty that my defective system has put him through this. He deserves to be a father.
Meanwhile, I have a piece of baby clothing in my house that I am considering keeping for a child of my own. I know this is a terrible thing to do, and if I am foolish enough to go down this path, I am dooming myself to childlessness. But it’s so CUTE! My department had a customized onsie made for BFB with Mediocre Institution’s logo and our department name on it. Being in charge of the order, I got two. We’ve got a colleague whose wife is pregnant, so that was *supposedly* what I had in mind when I decided to throw in an extra. But now I’m thinking of keeping it. I keep having these dreams of photos of BFB’s baby in her onesie and my baby in its onesie and how adorable it would all be and…This is a mistake, right? I have to get rid of the thing, don’t I? I have to go put it in the copy room to wait for some other baby, don’t I?