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A pile of shit

A year ago today I was on a plane to California, to see my father. He’d just been diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t know what to expect. I felt awkward and scared. My father and I had a loving relationship, but he was extremely proud and private. It’s hard to be proud and private when you are extremely ill.

Anyway, I am considering celebrating this happy memory by driving a million miles out to the garden center to buy some manure. When life gives you shit, fertilize. On the other hand, the back yard is still covered with snow, and do I really have the energy to lift heavy things? But if I don’t start work on the garden soon, I’ll miss my window.

I hate this feeling of malaise. I used to be so damn energetic! Now the thought of trying to accomplish the smallest thing makes me want to throw up my hands in exhaustion. I’ve been told that when depression makes you feel like everything is a chore, you just have to do things anyway. But I don’t understand HOW. Any recommendations?

14 Comments Post a comment
  1. I'm so sorry this is a shitty day.I don't have any advice on how to keep moving despite depression. Sometimes I can motivate myself and sometimes I can't. I never know whether it will be a wallow-in-despair or a buck-up-and-get-stuff-done kind of day.I hope you're able to get your fertilizer. Growing things is good.

    March 10, 2010
  2. Depression sucks, big time. It's bad enough that you get emotional scars, but it makes you feel weak and unproductive, which makes you more depressed. Getting dirty will make you feel better. Throwing around a big pile of shit will make the pile of shit you deal with seem less nutso, and perhaps better smelling. I like to think of it as Newton's 1st law of motion, "an object in motion will stay in motion, unless an outside force acts upon it." If you just take a few steps…say drive to the garden center…maybe you'll get enough momentum to carry through. And in the worst case scenario, you end up with a new hat, or gardening gloves. PS. I will cry if Fluevog stops making replacement soles for the shoes I own. I am eyeing the bondgirl for some yet undefined milestone. I got the black robusta pumps. Hot-choo-mamma!

    March 10, 2010
  3. I know that unmotivated feeling as well and I think if you can make yourself shovel shit then you will feel better afterwards. I think it must be the sense of accomplishing SOMETHING (anything) that slowly gets you out of depression. I've found that doing the thing(s) that I least wanted to do have given me the best rewards. But I have also failed miserably on many occaisons and procrastinated for far too long so I'll admit i'm not perfect and its not easy to shovel shit but all you can do is try right?

    March 10, 2010
  4. Oh, Bunny…I wish I knew how to get my hands on some magical motivation mojo for you. I could use a little myself. I think getting a big ol' pile of shit sounds like a fine plan, especially since it involves the garden. I've never used manure, just compost. Where would you store it? Just all free-range hanging out in the yard until the snow melts, I guess? I told myself that I would get all fancy and grow things FROM SEED this year, but I'm running out of time and energy. I should have had my seeds ordered already. With school, the internship, and IF all up in my business, I just can't find a pocket of time to dedicate to it. And I'm going to be mad at myself come May. Yup. Anyway, thinking of you. Give yourself *one* thing to do today. And then git-r-done.

    March 10, 2010
  5. I need to get on it and order some seeds for my garden – the snow just melted and I have no excuse not to have one now that I'm not working!Sometimes it takes me forever to get going on something, and once I do I wish I had started earlier. I don't know why it's so hard to just.get.moving somedays :(.

    March 10, 2010
  6. Nothing like manure to lift the spirits. Do it!!! Go buy the manure even if you have to pile it by hand onto the floor mats of your car in order to get it home. It is so worth it. The hotter and steamier the better. The more worms, the better.I miss having a garden!As for me, I read blogs instead of publishing scientifically these days, so likely IF will deprive me of that faculty position I have been working for since I was 12, but somehow doesn't seem that interesting or exciting anymore…Maybe we need to get an adult-ADD diagnosis or something.Have fun with your manure (Do it! Put it in your living room if it is too snowy outside!)

    March 10, 2010
  7. JB #

    Become a fall-down drunk? Okay, bad idea. I think you are right — however hard, you just have to make yourself keep doing things that a happier you would normally do. Just keep it simple, maybe one thing once in a while. You don't have to go all Disney World on us or anything. IF ain't no land of enchantment.

    March 10, 2010
  8. I'm sorry today is a sad one. I think you're right, though, you have to keep plugging away. Hopefully doing things you love will at least be a temporary distraction from your pain. Hang in there…

    March 10, 2010
  9. Sometimes when I'm in a rut I give myself 20 minutes or an hour to be completely self-indulgent and allow myself to wallow and obsess. But once the time is up, I refuse to let myself think about it, until the next day. It's funny, but I usually find my mind wandering to other things and find it hard to concentrate on the sadness for such a long, sustained period. As far as your inertia goes, I never ever in a million years thought I'd say this, but I think Nike had it right with their "Just Do It" slogan. Decide what you want to accomplish and force yourself to take one step towards that goal – no matter how small. The only way to do is to do it.FYI – You're one of my absolute favourite bloggers.Feel better…

    March 10, 2010
  10. ASP #

    Here's what helped for me–hiring a trainer and busting my ass at the gym and *having* to be there whether I wanted to be or not. I've told other girls the same thing after a bad cycle, it really helps. I was in a really bad place after our last cycle ended up being converted to an IUI and then inevitably failing. I could have just laid around stuffing my face or actually get out and try to feel better about myself- baby or no baby. I feel great now and am dreading the feeling of helplessness again during this cycle but I know that I'll probably hire my trainer again if this cycle is a big fat failure again. I hope that dung makes you feel better!

    March 11, 2010
  11. JC #

    I'm sorry bunny. =( I agree, try to do something, anything. I know it's hard and you probably just way to sit there and think of things to do but do none of them. If there's anything at all that could possibly make you feel better go do it. And if it doesn't help, oh well at least you tried. And try something else. I wish I were better help.

    March 11, 2010
  12. So sorry about your Dad, bunny.Now it's tomorrow, with you, though early, and I missed the manure debate. How did you get on?

    March 11, 2010
  13. I'm so sorry about your Dad and this sad day.I know just that feeling of malaise. Yuck. These days, it does seem really hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I agree with the other commenters that the sense of accomplishment should be good for your soul. I think the gardening might be *just* what you need. Very odd, but as I read this post I felt the urge to do something with our 6-flat's pathetic little back yard. Thank you for the inspiration!

    March 11, 2010
  14. I'm sorry, Bunny. It's got to be a shit day even without the added bonus of IF. So very sorry. And it's recent, too. No wonder you are/were (reading this belatedly) in a deep blue funk. It's too damned much sorrow to have to juggle all at once.

    March 16, 2010

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