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A wonderful day filled with unicorns and flowers. Oh, and a rainbow.

If that title led you to expect a cheerful post, this must be your first visit. Go away. You won’t like it here.

At today’s department meeting, my colleague with the pregnant wife held forth on the topic of How Terrible His Life Will Be When the New Baby Arrives. Now, I kind of hate this guy already. He’s really loud and aggressive and British. The latter feature is not a reason I hate him–in fact, I’m one of those creepy Americans who loves British things. But that way you can imagine a really annoying British guy. He loves to say patronizing things to me, perhaps because he’s older, though he’s a year behind me tenure-wise. Or maybe just because he’s an asshole. Hard to say.*

(I also feel compelled to note that he’s just emerged from a terrible cancer scare with one of his two young boys. The child was really dreadfully ill, though seems to be okay now. So I’m a bastard for talking smack about someone who has been through what I can only imagine to be one of the most hellish experiences available to humans. Okay, did my karmic duty, now back to hatin’ on him.)

This guy has an enormous house (seriously, it’s got multiple WINGS), a wife who doesn’t work so is presumably free to do some occasional childcare, plus a nanny, and a housekeeper, and all the other fixin’s of life with oodles of cash. So while I know that a new baby is a tiresome object, I can’t imagine that he’s really going to be all that put out. At least, not compared to the average person. Meanwhile, the moaning and kvetching quickly spread to other people with kids. Oh, yes, how terrible it is to be a parent! Soooooo glad that part of life is over! I wanted to run screaming from the room. Usually I can brush that kind of thing off, but today it really got me. It’s so grey and cold and crappy here, and I just feel hopeless. This surgery, which is still a million years away, isn’t going to help. IVF won’t work. I’ll die childless. Hopefully as soon as possible. That kind of day. Plus, just as I was feeling grateful to Lupron for sparing me a period this month, bleedy bleed bleed. This shit is awesome.

So, um, I’m going to go buy four or five candy bars from the vending machine and eat all of them very rapidly.

*I realize it may not be the smartest thing in the world to post rude things about people in my department, but I’m just gonna cross my fingers and hope he never gets wind of it. I mean, my main reason for attempting anonymity (other than to protect my husband, who is not interested in people knowing about our deal) is so I can talk smack about my job and friends, so I can’t hold back, can I? I just operate on the I observe your privacy, you observe mine principle. 

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. Dammit, Bunny. Here I was, expecting kittens farting sparkles from you. I know things feel hopeless right now, and I hate it for you. Would you mind if I shot a nerf rocket right into your life's crotch right now?'Cause you deserve better. IT'S TRUE.N came home last week and told me a similar story about how his male coworkers had a pissing match over whose life is the worst with children. He is the only childless employee of his small company, and I think he is envied for this. PLUS, one of these coworkers is an IVF graduate x 2. He says they keep warning him not to have kids 'cause it just fucks up your life and marriage. My thoughts? If your marriage was not built on good things prior to kids, it's gonna be rocky after kids. If you and your partner can successfully navigate [insert stressful life cyle turning point here], you can navigate the demands of parenthood. If you're a whiney, aggressive, patronizing loudmoth before kids, you're gonna be the same after kids. It's not the kids. Ugh.

    March 22, 2010
  2. JB #

    Next similar comment retort, straight-faced: "Oh, well maybe you should have had an abortion." Or, if that's not your political cup of tea: "Oh, well, you can always put the little asshole up for adoption after you squeeze it out." People who take their fertility for granted in such a BIG way are, to please your British colleague, WANKERS.

    March 22, 2010
  3. He sounds like the people that used to whine and complain about how much it sucked to be married. I don't know how many people warned me that it would be the worst mistake I'd make, I was too young and I'd be losing the best years of my life, that only the first year is fun, after 3 years apparently I'd hate my husband, etc. Those kind of people aren't happy with their lives…and it doesn't have anything to do with the kids. They're just the easiest ones to blame. Really, Lupron, the LEAST you could do is keep the bleeding away!?!? Geez….

    March 22, 2010
  4. Just read my comment and realized it doesn't sound that coherent, and is not that awesome, grammatically. I'm going to blame it on the cramps :).

    March 22, 2010
  5. I'm sorry that you encountered the impromtu performance of the "woeful parent." I like the idea of suggesting that he send them off to boarding school. Otherwise, try to do the smackdown in a meeting where you say something out loud like, "Unlike so-and-so, I prefer to not bitch about my family in public places" or somesuch to shut that asshole up.

    March 22, 2010
  6. 1. College professors can afford mansions and nannies in Ohio??? Where do I sign up?2. I am TOTALLY going to look up every British professor in Ohio and send them all transcripts of this post. He he. 3. I actually kind of get happy for my (barren) situation when people complain about teenagers/adult children. I only want to be pregnant (like, 'showing' pregnant, not the kind that lives in my fallopian tube, for example). I can also picture (hazily) a newborn. But, like, an overweight, out of work 28 year old son with a beer drinking problem who needs to crash at my house because his wife kicked him out? Kind of hard to imagine… 4. The faster you eat those candy bars, the more you can concentrate on physical rather than emotional agony. SO much better.

    March 22, 2010
  7. I love british things too. Love to watch bbc america. Mmm on candy bars. Sorry he was being a dolt today. I know what you mean on certain days. Some days it just rolls off your back and other days it's just so hard. I hope tomorrow is better.

    March 22, 2010
  8. oh what a pompus twat he is. sounds like he's had everything handed to him too easily and hasn't had to yearn for anything. Can't wait to hear his stories of how borring it is to look at his cute baby smileing and how annoying it is to have to buy extra presents at christmas for the child (wait,he probably has a person to do his shopping though…). Poo poo to him.

    March 22, 2010
  9. Do YOU secretly live in a mansion with a housekeeper too?? Cause I happen to know that you're an award winning professor who does lots of cool science and dresses fashionably. I had a real ass-wipe colleague a couple years ago who's passive aggressive, snide remarks made my work life a living hell. I hope Mr. Ass-wipe gets transfered. Or fired. Or maybe comes down with a nasty STD. See? Nothing but positive thoughts are coming your way.

    March 22, 2010
  10. I'm with Leslie – an academic with a nanny, a mansion, and a stay-home spouse? Most of us are just trying to trade up from a Civic to an Accord. Snark away, good Bunny! Feels good. Your snarkets are safe with us.

    March 22, 2010
  11. The guy sounds like a douche (sorry, I know I'm channeling junior high with that one) and he deserves all the smack talkin' you can do. Sorry it was such a crap day. I just saw the title and I thought: either aliens have taken over our dear Bunny, or it's been an especially bad one. First, let me just say how much I loathe department meetings. Especially the, we've-covered-the-talking-points-and-so-let's-have-some-informal-conversation part. That doesn't work for those of us who, you know, have nothing to contribute. But honestly, you'd think that some people would just be more…sensitive. Even if they don't know anything specific. Not everyone wants to listen to your fricking commiserating, people! I can just imagine the "knowing" glances among all the members of the longsuffering parents club. Blech. It's grey and crappy here, too. Hard to even imagine sunshine on a day like this (let alone unicorns and rainbows).

    March 23, 2010
  12. Oh that just sucks. I hope you have a better day tomorrow.Reminds me of a work lunch I went to with a wealthy barrister – oh the pain of having four children under six – yes my wife got pregnant with twins while breastfeeding don't you know – etc etc etc.

    March 23, 2010

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