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My it’s warm! And I ain’t talkin’ ’bout the weather.

First, I wanted to thank you all for articulating your thoughts on my last post. There was an awful lot of very beautiful and moving stuff in there and I found it comforting (’cause I’m the one who needs to be comforted, don’t you know) and touching. (Twangy’s news has since been posted on LFCA–I’m not sure why I felt delicate about outing her yesterday–I mean, how offensive can offers of sympathy really be? Hopefully not too offensive.)

But now I’ll try to distract you with some assorted…stuff.

Until today, Lupron had resulted in no menopause-like side effects. Perhaps because the side effects it causes are highly likely to go unnoticed. I mean, mood swings? Like I would even recognize one–my mood has been swinging for at least a year. I suppose if Lupron made me really cheerful I’d notice, but…it hasn’t. Anyways, today: hot flashes. I AM SO HOT. Oh…no…I’m actually fine. HOT. Fine. HOT. Just like when on Clomid, they started in the dead of night and woke me up so I could enjoy being drenched in sweat. Mmmmm…feels so good.

Yesterday evening I attended the reception for people nominated for the teaching award I told you about. The university president made a speech that brought tears to my eyes. (Or maybe it was the glass of wine and the fact that I somehow ended up SURROUNDED BY PREGNANT WOMEN. Seriously, they were drawn to me like moons to Jupiter. And stood there, rubbing their bellies with glazed looks on their faces.) She asked us to think back to the person who’d made a difference in our lives, maybe set us on the path to academia. The person who inspired us, encouraged us, led us to believe in ourselves. Now you are that person, she said. Weeeep! I guess those are the moments that help me when things seem so dark. The knowledge that just by showing a little enthusiasm at the right moment, you can genuinely make someone’s life better. Of course, I’d rather have a baby than make people’s lives better.

Another thing that makes me feel better in times of sorrow is…squirrels. I love squirrels. Below is a photo taken from my office window. As you can see, there’s a wonderfully tall tree that stretches all the way up to the sixth floor. And it brings the squirrels to me. After posting yesterday, I looked out my window and watched a squirrel sitting on a branch so far above the bustling world, buffeted by wind, just going about its life. The sight brought me a little peace.

10 Comments Post a comment
  1. I really appreciate your sensitivity, bunny. Thank you. But yes, the wonderful outpouring of empathy has been so hopeful and lovely, too.

    March 24, 2010
  2. I think we should take a page from the squirrels. We should sit above it all, buffeted by the wind, just being squirrels. Sigh. (Sorry, got lost in that thought for a few moments).The reception sounds great (except for the pregnant squad surrounding you). It's hard to remember that there's other stuff in life, that we can have good moments on different fronts. Which is why they're so unexpected…and nice. May this spring bring lots of lovely squirrels, sunning themselves in full view of our windows.

    March 24, 2010
  3. What a beautiful thing to have someone say about you. I'm so ridiculously hormonal right now (without being on any hormones, so can I still pull that card?) I would've broken down among the pregnant ladies. They do mindlessly rub their bellies, twisting the dagger ever-deeper, huh?I'm so sorry about the hot flashes…I suppose that means the Lupron is definitely working. So, hurray for that?!

    March 24, 2010
  4. I had to chuckle about the "glazed looks on their faces". And I think that your ceremony sounds very, very moving 9so it isn't just the menopause, I am sure).And I also take a lot of solace in animal-watching. I walk on the beach at least a few times a week and watch the sea-birds and shore-birds. We have a lot of "peep" sandpipers, and I have a fantasy about gathering 30-40 of them into my arms and kissing them all on their heads while they make peeping noises (I guess I really need that real baby before I COMPLETELY go insane from thwarted maternal instincts, huh?). I also love to watch the pelicans diving for smelt. They are so cute, even though they try to shit on you.AND I agree about the weird feelings of outing someone who needs support. Remember when I posted about CGD last week? I was worried sick all morning that it was the wrong thing to do, and that she would hate me for it, then she wrote 'thank you' on my post, then I went over to HER post and spilled at length about how nervous I'd been about having done it, and how relieved I was!!!! Complicated.

    March 24, 2010
  5. I too love squirrels. They look so friendly and unperturbed. I agree, we should study them a bit more! How can we be like them? I hope your hot flashes are gone soon!

    March 24, 2010
  6. JB #

    I love squirrels, but my dog loves to hunt them. Nevermind that she cannot catch them, she just loves to rile them up. There's nothing more entertaining than a barking dog and a barking squirrel in a standoff. I believe it was the wise C&C Music Factory who said, "I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut." So true, so true.

    March 24, 2010
  7. JC #

    Congrats on the nomination again and I bet you were touched by that speech. Idk how you did it being surrounded by the pregos either. I probably would've ran as fast as I could. My puppy loves squirrels!!!

    March 24, 2010
  8. Thanks for the menopause description. It made me giggle out loud here. Too bad about the pregnant moths being drawn to the infertile flame at your event. What you do for a living is worthy of much praise and I felt a bit weepy thinking of my own instructors who've influenced my thoughts and ultimately my life.We have aggressive squirrels. A black one we call Ozzy has taken to burying peanuts in our potted plants. I know, freaking what neighbor is feeding them peanuts? We find them in the oddest places and are eternally entertained by their antics on our fenceline. About two years ago, one of them had babies and I almost lost it from being blown off the cuteness meter.

    March 25, 2010
  9. We don't have squirrels here so I've never seen one, but am with you all the way on how blissful and grounding it must be to look out your window and see them going about their business. It makes me smile just thinking about it actually (and I am not one to smile easily these days!).As for the lupron flushes well thats just terrible, but I guess, at least you know the drugs are working properly (?? that was me searching for a silver lining, feel free to ignore it!).The university president's speech sounded like a real tear jerker. I think its really honourable that you are in such a role model position and although you'd much rather be pregnant, I think it's still a pretty amazing position to be in. And hopefully in a few months time you can be an awesomely pregnant role model, so you'd better start practising your own glazed eyed, belly rubbing stance!

    March 25, 2010
  10. I am excited about your nomination. 😉 Congrats again, lady! We keep our bird feeders pretty well stocked, which typically makes for some interesting squirrel shenanigans. My fave is the squirrel keg stand on the bird feeder. I figure they gotta eat too, so whatevs. 😉

    March 26, 2010

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