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Feeling like shit is AWESOME

As a number of you reminded me, surgery is a positive step forward. (We assume. If I end up with a hysterectomy, perhaps we’ll change our tune.) After all, lots of you don’t ever get to do anything, or have to do the same thing over and over, with decreasing faith that it will lead to a cooing, gurgling baby. So instead of dreading, I’m trying to look forward to the surgery. I’m trying to appreciate the fact that there is an action I can take.

Unfortunately, being appreciative has never been my strong suit. Somehow, the line of thinking that goes I’m so fortunate. I’ve got my husband, my career, my house etc. just makes me feel like I’m being denied my right to bitch and moan. I think it’s lovely when I read about other people having moments where they feel gratitude, or where they can resolve not to let IF take over their lives. I can appreciate those feelings on a logical level. The same is true when it comes to appreciating my fairly good prognosis. I am, at this point, still in the Fairly Lucky IF pool. But instead of being hopeful, I just fixate on the fact that lots of women with my basic profile never cross over to the baby side. Many never know why. It would be hubristic to assume it’s just a question of time for me. So taking a positive attitude is very…difficult and uncomfortable.

Also uncomfortable is my ENTIRE BODY. I feel like absolute crap. Of course I know it gets way worse that this if you have endometriosis or are doing an IVF cycle. So I’m going to whine about complaints that are, yes, fine, trivial. (Also, I’m covering BFB’s class tonight, which meets in the superfine 5:30-8:15 slot. Great for pregnant women / new mothers who need flexible schedules, not so appealing for people who want to crawl into bed at 7:30. This is making me extra crabby.)

I’ve gained five pounds since Friday. This does at least explain why my abdomen is so attractively DISTENDED. Sexy. I’m brain dead because of interrupted sleep. I can’t tell if it’s the hot flashes waking me up, or if I’m just waking up and then by body figures, hey, let’s squeeze in one of those hot flashes she likes so much! I’ve had back pain pretty much my entire adult life, but it’s extra bad these days, and I even had a massage on Saturday. (Which was lovely, but won’t stop me from complaining.) There’s a throbbing pain in my left side that makes me imagine horrible things happening to my ovary. And now my knee hurts. How totally unromantic is that?

In short, these are my reasons for not quite being able to hop on the happy train. (It’s hard to hop on a train with a bum knee.) But I am trying! Surgery! YAY! Can’t wait! If nothing else, it should put an end to the hot flashes.

15 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh, screw the happy train. Sometimes the bitch-and-moan express is the right place to be. I'm actually pretty good at the sunshine & lollipops thing – even from the depths of emotional despair – but throw in a little physical pain, and it's rainclouds & arsenic. I do not do pain well *at all* so you have my deepest sympathies. I hope you can get through this phase and that the surgery resolves what it needs to resolve.

    March 29, 2010
  2. Complaining's okay, sometimes we just need to get it out. And what you are dealing with does NOT sound fun. I'm hopeful that the surgery will go excellently, though, and you'll be feeling more the thing after your first follow-up consultation, when your doctor gives you an encouraging report.

    March 29, 2010
  3. Ahhh, yes. The crabby annoyance at people trying to cheer you up. I know that feeling. So. Bunny, this is an awful situation! You are totally unlucky when it comes to reproducing. You have a right to be pissed off about it. Plus, I don't really understand the whole Lupron thing, but if your stomach is distending, you are definitely turning into a middle-aged woman before your very eyes. You should just run down to costco and buy some of those jeans that come up over the belly pooch, and perhaps also get your hair done in pin-curls.Happy now?? :)Or maybe you are pregnant.

    March 29, 2010
  4. Al #

    For me, it's such a process and even if I have, say, an hour on the Happy Train or even a day, I often find myself right back on the Bitch and Moan Express (stealing McQueen's lingo) in the next hour. Don't beat yourself up for not feeling positive. Hope you start feeling better soon.

    March 29, 2010
  5. You are 110% justified in complaining about the overall BLAH that is your life right now. You do it with much grace and humor (achy knee and all!). It is nice to take action (I know exactly what you mean by that), but doing it via a major surgery is not something to feel yippity-skippity about. It all sucks! This spring is brutal for you. But I think it's going to get you knocked up. Stay the course. Hang in there. Vent away. You WILL get through this.

    March 29, 2010
  6. JB #

    Guess it's time to redefine feeling "awesome" = feeling murdery but not actually acting on it. You have to get the stabby feelings out, and this is a great place to do it because all of us who read and love your blog feel stabby ALL THE TIME. So, we get it.

    March 29, 2010
  7. Please, please don't jump on the happy train. Because if you do then I'll be left here on the miserable platform (to throw another wacky metaphor into the bunch) watching one more blog friend transformed by Zen-like calm. That's no good. Uh-uh. Rage, Bunny. Rage against the happy train.Feeling like crap is, well, it's crappy. And so is teaching in that time slot. And so is teaching in that time slot for someone who has a baby (even if you love her). I'm sorry things hurt.

    March 29, 2010
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    March 29, 2010
  9. Sorry Bunny I had to delete my comment due to too many typos. The happy train left the CF-station a very long time ago. It's perfectly understandable that you feel frustrated and unhappy. You still have a while to wait for your surgery and you have lovely Lupron to deal with – ugh.Adele, won't be alone. I am still here and well and truly on the miserable platform. I will meet you in the Dining Car for cocktails at 5pm, along with Bunny and all her feeling-stabby readers.

    March 29, 2010
  10. JC #

    It's ok to bitch and moan and complain. I'm great at it!! 😉 And playing the waiting game makes it a lot worse. We're all here for you no matter if your cheery or not. Hang in there!

    March 29, 2010
  11. Positive thinking is overrated in my book. Everyone says it's going to fix your life and make it better. It turns me into a fake happy person. FAKE and HAPPY see? Works, right? I want a contract written in blood by God that that shit works to get me exactly what I want (baby) before I buy in. All that aside, I do hope that you are fortunate enough to land fully in that pool of lucky IF people even if it's uncomfortable to imagine yourself there.

    March 29, 2010
  12. Yeah – bullocks to the happy train! There's a special kind of pleasure in complaining. Go for it!

    March 30, 2010
  13. Oh, Bunny, it would be weird if you were too positive. I love hearing your complaining. IF sucks, as do hot flashes, extra evening classes, and distended stomaches. (But surgery doesn't suck cause you're gonna rock it! Oops – trying not be annoyingly positive. Surgery sucks too. Boo!)

    March 30, 2010
  14. I don't think you should feel bad for being angry about the hand you've been dealt. Its a shitty shitty hand no matter what way you look at it. There are success stories everywhere but when you are in the middle of your own black hole the last thing you can focus on is the goodness in the world. I hear you completely. I find it hard to write positively on my blog too. Sometimes I try very hard to write in a positive way but really i'm just deluding myself and am trying the 'fake it till you make it' approach. SO far it hasn't worked.

    March 30, 2010
  15. Positive thinking doesn't actually feel better … but it does make other people feel better. In my more cynical moments I imagine that people are urging me to cheer up and "just smile" because it will be so much more comfortable for *them* if I'm projecting a better mood. Grumble grumble. (In my more charitable moments I wholly disavow ever having thought this.)So anyway, it's really OK to feel whatever it is you're feeling, and there is absolutely no requirement to qualify for the Pain Olympics (i.e. comparing what you're feeling to those worse off than you, in other words, "I shouldn't feel so shitty…others in the world have it worse than I do, so I should just suck it up.")Anyway, I'm getting incoherent here…some things going on (I'll share on my blog in a day or so)…just wanted to offer that. Your pain is your pain and has nothing to do with others' pain or their expectations of how you should be feeling, or dealing, or functioning. So there.

    April 1, 2010

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