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Seventy six degrees!

In honor of the amazing weather, I ditched work in favor of planting some seeds. I spent the morning preparing my little garden bed, getting the manure worked in and slaughtering hundreds of earthworms. Sorry, earthworms. The past few summers have been weird weather-wise, and have resulted in a less-than-bountiful harvest. Hopefully this year will be better, as I would like some aspect of my life to be fruitful. If I can’t have a baby, I should at least get lots of radishes.

While I was finishing up, Mr. Bunny’s friend arrived with his wife in tow. The wife naturally drifted over to me. We’ve hung out a few times and I don’t really get her. She’s completely incoherent, for one thing. She’ll start telling you a story and wander off into some bizarre other story and…you never get anywhere. I can’t be friends with someone with whom I can’t carry on an actual conversation, so that’s kept us from becoming more intimate. But I’m fond of her in a strange way. I know it’s partly because she’s been very open about her multiple miscarriages. She’s 38 and has four kids (with her previous husband), so the issue is presumably egg quality. She’s had six miscarriages in the past two years, one of which happened at 20 weeks. Once with twins…She keeps trying because Mr. Bunny’s friend really wants to be a father. I’ve never talked to her about my situation, so when she asked me how I was doing, I thought I’d see if maybe she was someone I could open up to. Recurrent loss is different than infertility, and both are different when you already have children, so maybe I shouldn’t have expected that this conversation would result in major bonding. I got to hear a super rambling story, the message of which turned out to be God Has A Plan For You. As I’ve said before, I don’t find that message to be comforting, Or, you know, meaningful in any way. And then she suggested that I might be unable to conceive because I’m too thin. Which I’m not. And then she told me that she’s pregnant at the moment. It was nice to hear that from someone and not feel at all distressed by it. I hope this is the one for her. I can’t imagine enduring all that pain. But…I’m sorry to report that she is not going to be my real life infertility friend. That position will just have to remain open.

13 Comments Post a comment
  1. Sorry that the real life IF friend post remains unfilled, but it was very kind of you to talk with this acquaintance about her experiences.I hope your garden gives you beautiful vegetables all summer and fall! I need to get into contained gardening on our roof deck. This is the year!

    April 1, 2010
  2. Al #

    Six miscarriages in two years?! And she's pregnant again. Wow. just wow.I hate all the too thin / too fat comments people make. if there was a problem, I think your DOCTOR might have mentioned that. Hope you fill the post for IFer IRL soon.Glad you can skip out of work and enjoy this beautiful day. I'm stuck inside and it's 80 here. 😦

    April 1, 2010
  3. That is a VERY lovely garden plot. If I were a radish, I would be very happy there. I love how you stacked the stones, and I love that it's circular. The earthworms will likely recover.Interesting story about Crazy Lady…. I wish God had a Plan to get ME pregnant (for keeps, of course). I'm impressed that you had the courage to open up to this person, but I'm sorry it wasn't really all that helpful to you to do so. Me, I'm still selfishly hoping for one of my current 'real' friends to be struck by IF (temporary, of course). Awful, right? Yup, I'm a terrible person. Probably why God is Punishing me.

    April 1, 2010
  4. Hell yeah for skipping work and planting instead! Good for you :).My mom was 6ft and super rail-thin and managed to have 6 kids, so poo on your crazy, rambling friend. Sorry she wasn't more understanding, but you're right – never conceiving is just too different from recurrent loss. Neither is a good place to be, of course, but that doesn't mean she can feel what you're going through. Bummer :(.

    April 1, 2010
  5. Your garden is an inspiration. And roughly the size of my entire back yard (CA real estate RULES!).I can tell you that if I had 4 kids, I wouldn't put myself through the hell I've gone through for my miscarriages. Seriously, crazy lady. I also take zero comfort in anyone who says god has any plan for me. Even if I do believe, I also sincerely believe that this world is a hand's off experiment. There's no big old god finger moving us like chess pieces. I tend to answer that with "well if it is his plan, it's surely one fucked up one."Sorry for the strikeout on the IF friend. But, she would have driven you bonkers in no time.

    April 1, 2010
  6. I had a real-life IF but she became pregnant, carried to term and delivered while I was still trying. It kinda ruined it for me. I found it hard not to be resentful and sulky. But then again, it is nice to have someone to talk to.By the way, your backyard is beautiful. I can easily imagine a bountiful harvest. I predict more radishes than any one person could possibly consume.

    April 1, 2010
  7. JC #

    I hate the "God has a plan" comment too. Most of the time it's not comforting and doesn't help anything. And the too thin comment is stupid. She's just trying to diagnose and fix you and obviously she's not a Dr so she should shut up. Too bad she won't be your IRL IF friend but maybe you will meet someone cool. And good luck with the garden, I'm glad you took off to do that, it sounds fun!

    April 1, 2010
  8. JB #

    My retort? "God's plan is stupid, then, and he is obviously a horrible project manager. He's fired." Or, more academically, "His plan will never get funded and he will never, ever get tenure with ideas like that."But, then again, I'm a mean, cynical beeyotch. Real-life IFers are hard to be friends with sometimes. A good friend of mine started trying at the same time as me (for her first; she's now due with her second any day now). It took her *gasp* 5. whole. months. to get pregnant. So as she moved on to OB visits, I moved on to RE visits and an infertility diagnosis and there wasn't much in common about baby-making to talk about anymore. I think the compare and contrast is just too real with a real-life IF friend.

    April 1, 2010
  9. ASP #

    Did you make that thing (I hate calling it a thing but I don't know what else to call it) in the center of your garden? I saw something like that in a magazine with vines all over it and thought, "Hey! I'd like something like that in my yard!" So, if you made it, please share how! Real life IF friends aren't that great anyway. Mine are all pregnant right now except one that's faaaaar away. One set of our friends just struck gold with twins on their very first IVF try. Go figure. People think we're probably doing something wrong or something when we do ours. 'Wow, I can't believe Amber and Ryan still aren't pregnant with 4 rounds of IVF! They *must* be doing something wrong. I bet she really doesn't want to be pregnant." That's the crap I bet all of our old IF friends say about us! πŸ˜‰ Bitches.

    April 1, 2010
  10. Ugh, the douchey "plan" comment. Thumbs down. Way down. Your garden area looks so cute! I can already see it filled with green sprouty goodness. I finally ordered my seeds, and they've come in…but I've been feeling a bit too gnarly this week to bother with them. It's terrible. I have some really fun heirloom seeds, too. Gonna be kicking myself in the overstimulated ovaries for it, fo' sho'. Sounds like a good day, GB! (Douchebaggery aside, obviously πŸ˜‰

    April 2, 2010
  11. I like to think the worms can sort of regenerate when you accidentally cleave them in two. Yeah, I know, but it's what I like to think. Enjoy the time off.

    April 2, 2010
  12. Yikes – what delightful conversation. I'm sure God has a plan for the earthworms too. Let's all join hands and sing Circle of Life. Wouldn't that be fun?Radishes! I love radishes. Here's hoping that this is a bountiful year (on ALL relevant fronts).

    April 2, 2010
  13. Ok so I think you made a wise decision in not accepting her application as your real life infertile friend. Its better to carry on with that position vacant rather than just put any old person in there. You want someone who is perfect and who:A) Does not offer platitudes. They are not helpfulB) Can hold other conversations too. I have an IF friend who only talks about IF and even I (the queen of over talking infertility) needs alernative topics of conversation occaisionally.C) Likes to drink gin.D) Does not get pregnant before you. I know thats one that you probably want to leave out of the job description, but I think its important all the same!Good luck filling the position, if you find him/her then ask them if they want to job share and fill my vacancy too (although travelling to NZ might be a bit far I guess).Oh and YES to the vegie garden… look forward to hearing all about the fat radishes that grow in the coming months.

    April 5, 2010

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