Easter was delightful. Mr. Bunny outdid himself with the cleverness of the hunt this year. For example, one clue was taped behind a Marcel Dzama print of some women sketching a sea creature. To attract our attention to the print, he had replaced the original with an almost identical version, but the sea creature was different. I walked by it over and over again without noticing. Genius!
As an unexpected bonus, I got to see BFB lose her shit a few times. This is going to sound mean-spirited, but I bet you’ll get where I’m coming from. Thus far, BFB appears to have had an idyllic experience with the whole procreation thing. Pregnant in the first month of trying, a fairly easy pregnancy (one miscarriage scare, which I’m sure was far from easy, but no morning sickness, etc.), four hours of labor, a newborn that sleeps well… From the outside, she’s seemed pretty unaffected by the whole thing. You know, just reveling in the joy of motherhood all the time. I keep asking her when she’s going to start looking haggard. WELL, yesterday I got to see the hormones and the disturbed sleep bring out the worst in her. It was awesome! There was a particularly lovely moment in which we had all the clues needed to do a cryptogram and were sitting down to figure it out. BFB loooooooves cryptograms, but she was holding Jane, who was having a fussy moment. So Mr. BFB started in on the puzzle. BFB literally shrieked at him to stop and let her do it. It was kind of like watching a really angry kitten. There were numerous other such hilarious moments, including one in which she punched him in the arm! DUDE!
I’m also prone to lashing out at my husband when I’m upset, so I’m totally not judging here. Just enjoying the moment a bit. I know I’m having these wicked feelings partly because it’s becoming harder to be around them. (The cuddling has really been taken up a notch. Every time I turn around they’re cooing and gurgling together. Jane is getting more responsive as she develops the ability to focus on objects, and has started some mild social smiling.) Knowing that BFB is moving away created a sort of halcyon period where I was less constantly affected by my own sad state. That seems to be coming to an end. And I’m also realizing that I don’t necessarily love all babies.
My niece and nephew (really the only babies I have any experience with) were born before I was trying to get pregnant.The moment they were born, I loved them instantly with a powerful love that has to come from a deep evolutionary place. I felt intensely protective of them, and I didn’t even meet them for months! When I’m holding Jane, I feel a similar kind of love, but the moment I pass her back to BFB, it dissipates. So I can’t tell if the differences in my feelings about my niece and nephew and my feelings about my pseudo-niece arise from biology (i.e., it’s not as adaptive for me to care about this non-relative) or from the experience of infertility. All I know is, I got a brief reprieve from feeling constantly defective and worthless and unwomanly, and that shit is BAAAAACK. If any of you are in a position to share your experiences with relatives vs. friends having progeny, I’d be interested.
(And speaking of ya’ll, I loved learning that I’m not the only one who digs hunting eggs! I particularly loved hearing about Stickles’ graduation hunt for her sister, Finch’s booze in the basket, and Misfit’s and Pundelina’s ex-sponsored hunts. It’s so thrilling to learn other people are into the high jinks that are dear to one’s heart!)