Shades of meh
In July I have a conference in Germany. I’ve wanted to go to Germany since I was 12, when I took my first German class. It must have been the inspirational singing of German folk songs accompanied by Frau Whatshername’s autoharp. Nothing stirs the soul like an autoharp!
My husband is coming with me. This is not a great idea in terms of making sure I network, but I don’t care. I want my husband! The conference is near Berlin, but we’re spending a few days in Frankfurt, mainly because I want to do a day trip to Heidelberg. As an undergrad I worked on a weird study in which I had to pretend to be a computer giving tours of the city of Heidelberg. That’s right, I pretended to be a computer. (That’s what we call Doing Science!) This weekend we were selecting hotels and buying guidebooks and looking for good restaurants–we’re totally going to the place where you eat in total darkness and are served by blind people. So I should be pretty excited, huh? What I feel is an odd species of mildly intensified meh. You know, something like, this meh is a little more…vivid…than the normal meh. I wanted to find a way to represent this graphically. So here’s my attempt. On the left of the image you’ll see a selection of events that might occur in the average woman’s life. Then you’ll see two scales. One represents the typical range of human emotion, from deep sadness, in blue, up through great joy, in red. There’s a white, neutral space in the middle, where you’re just feeling kind of normal. The right scale represents my range of emotion, from deep sadness, represented in black, up to whatever, I guess I’ll keep on living, in dark grey. There is no longer a neutral space, just a lighter grey. Things that might ordinarily make me feel a little glum now plunge me into blackness. And instead of a warm red glow, there’s just a slightly darker grey. So yeah, contemplating what should be a fun trip is a relatively intense shade of meh.
(I’m totally exaggerating, of course. I know anhedonia is a real thing that I am not experiencing, as is clinical depression.)
So it’s time to bust out the German music. I gots to practice my German, and what better way to do so than with catchy music. You might like this one–catchy, and the German is around the level of a three-year-old, thus perfect for me.