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Crooked

Last night I removed the steri-strips over my incision (with my RE’s permission, of course) and….my intestines fell out.

JUST KIDDING…and I got my first good look at my new lower abdomen. On the one hand, it’s not so bad. I’d imagined the scar being thicker and nastier, and it’s thin and tidy. On the other hand, there’s a huge scar in my lady region! At the moment there’s also an unattractive wodge of flesh over the incision. My RE tells me it’s fat that got disrupted and has settled there and will go away at some point. Soon would be nice. But most noticeable to my seamstress eyes is the fact that the line that goes from my navel to regions below is now off by a few degrees. (I believe this is called the linea nigra, and not everyone’s got one. So if you’re like what the fuck are you talking about, don’t worry your pretty little head about it. If you don’t have one now it may show up when you get pregnant. So just go ahead and get pregnant, ‘k?) In addition to looking weird, this also means the incision is not perfectly bisected, so it also looks crooked. As shown in Figure 1, which is not to scale, by the way.

Unlike after my lap, I’m not going to get all maudlin about this. Not YET, anyway. Things may look better in a few months. Who knows–it may even straighten out. But as much as I tell myself that this is a minuscule price to pay if I can manage to get pregnant, and that it’s only the beginning of the ruination of my fiiiiiine physique that would come along with motherhood, I can’t help but feel the same sense of erosion of self and, indeed, of self esteem, that’s been part of this whole fucking IF experience. I mean, why do I have to get scars in the pursuit of motherhood? Why does wanting a child result in my body becoming uglier and uglier?

I don’t expect you guys to have much sympathy for this bit of whining, particularly not Sarah, who’s been chopped and diced like a green chile. But this just seems like the antithesis of the romantic vision with which I started my journey. Why the fuck do some women get beautiful and glowing and radiant, while I get empty and…crooked?

15 Comments Post a comment
  1. That sucks, Bunny. I can't say it doesn't. I think you are incredibly brave to be going through all this. Now let's focus on the positive: That fibroid-albondigas soup was ¡delicious!, right??? Or, er–, I mean, you don't have things the size of softballs in your midsection. You'll just have to get a c-section later and have them straighten up your 'happy trail' while they're at it. Which will serve the double benefit of avoiding old-lady incontinence. Also, I know a woman who got abdominal surgery and woke up without a belly button. She sued and won.

    May 12, 2010
  2. the scar is your battlewound my friend. i feel like we're all at war, and while the majority of us will return home with bumps and bruises, some will be left behind. i don't wanna be left behind. please don't leave me behind. if i have to dress up in a monkey suit to get pregnant, i swear i'll do it.my family doesn't produce beautiful glowing, radiant pregnant women. we get bloated in the face (so that ppl can always tell we're pregnant before you're ready to announce), gain a lot of weight despite starting off small, and get 24/7 morning sickness throughout the entire pregnancy. there was absolutely no glow about my sister. she looked like $hit, but at least her baby was healthy. this is what i have to look forward to. i hate those girls who glow. they suck. all the above happened to my sister, my mom when she was pregnant with all 3 of us, and my aunts.i'm having trouble visualizing a crooked scar for some reason. i have an appendix scar down there that, and even though i had the surgery 25 yrs ago, i fear it'll split open when/if i give birth. of all the things to worry about, eh?i'm just rambling and i dunno if any of this makes any sense. i'm tired. soo tired. of all this $hit.

    May 12, 2010
  3. Hmm. The peeling back of the bandage is always a strange and fascinating thing. I wasn't too gone on my scars at first (I hadn't been listening when the surgeon told me there'd be four. Oops.) but now they're silver and quite nice. They improve with time, allegedly, so next year, I am expecting them to be like inlaid gems, at the very least.

    May 12, 2010
  4. I think it's one thing to "achieve" a scar in something that has a good outcome (ie, a C-section scar) vs. something that has an as-of-yet undefined outcome. But my hope is that you're going to one day look at those scars very differently: as the thing that helped lead you where you wanted to go. The lack of symmetry would bother me, too, by the way. And so I'm not going to spout any nonsense about the scar being character-building. But oh the stories you're going to be able to make up when your children ask you about them!!! I'm thinking you should start with alien abduction.

    May 12, 2010
  5. I'm hoping that one day, when the litter of bunnies are acting up, rooting around in the garden and chewing things they shouldn't and leaving little bunny pellets all over the floor, you can use this scar as the ultimate trump card. Forget the whole, "I was in labor for x hours to bring you into this world." You've got the ultimate sign of dedication.

    May 12, 2010
  6. Oh my, bunny, is it wrong that I am laughing my ass off at your description of me being "chopped and diced like a green chile"?I'm sorry they gave you an asymmetrical scar. That would totally bug the CRAP out of me – I love symmetry. I think you should definitely come up with a crazy story for the scar though – I used to tell people that the scar on my wrist (from a water skiing accident) was where I got bit by a shark.

    May 12, 2010
  7. Al #

    I gotta agree with Sloper and Adele – I hope that you'll be pointing them out to your children someday and telling them how much hell you went through to bring them here. Totally topics that whole 8 hours of labor thing…I mean, BORING!!I have to say, I know this may sound really odd – but I kinda wish there was a physical reminder of the hell that I've been through over the past year. Is that strange? I'm a little jealous of your crooked scar, though I'm sure it would bug the hell out of me that it was crooked too. I hope the scar and the wodge of flesh get better with time.

    May 12, 2010
  8. Highly annoying, my friend. My hope is that you will be otherwise occupied and too busy fretting over strollers and schools to do much navel gazing. If it is a fine cut, it will fade enough do that you won't notice it on first glance. I know that's not much consolation, but unless you've taken up pole dancing to enhance fertility (thanks Leslie!) or are so taken with ultra low cut jeans, nary an eye will wander to your nether regions other than those who are know you in the biblical sense(or the medical sense). And if it bothers you greatly, a tattoo is always a welcome distraction. Perhaps a snake, or a unicorn jumping through an ankh surrounded by dolpins. You know, something classy. 🙂

    May 12, 2010
  9. I'm not sure I can really top the unicorn tatoo just above, but yeah it sucks and yeah it sucks even more that there is no prize that you get for having the surgery (i.e., a baby that came out of the incision) but I'm thinking that after you are pregnant, it will become far far less important. But right now, it sucks and I'm sorry it's crooked. At least you still have your belly button.

    May 12, 2010
  10. You are a fighter, Bunny. And this is your (^&%*^&%#") battle wound! You're healing up and about ready to get back out there and fight the good fight. May it be the last one until labor.PS Thank you so much for your comment today. I am happy, I am good! But as much as I freaking want to, I cannot summon the awesome positive, this-is-it feelings I read so many other bloggies describe after an IUI. Oh, wait. This is comment is about you, isn't it? 🙂 Thank YOU my fellow soldier: You are awesome and I love coming to "visit" you every day and appreciate it so immensely when you stop by my neck of the woods. xo

    May 12, 2010
  11. Oh, Bunny! A crooked, non-symmetrical scar is so annoying. But I want to remind you that you actually have a really kick-ass body (I know cause I saw pictures of you in your amazing homemade dress) and that your scar can't possibly change that.

    May 12, 2010
  12. I do love Adele's idea of an alien abduction story for the litter of bunnies. A crooked scar is very annoying indeed. And yes, it sucks that we have to collect scars along the way, but it will be worth it in the end. A battle well fought my friend. And I agree with Finch. We happen to know you do indeed have a fiiiiine physique.

    May 12, 2010
  13. I agree. It pisses me off that there are woman out there who get to look down in the shower and not see scars on their abdomen (or in my case right now horrendous bruises from my heparin injections). I had a conversation with a new mother a few months ago and she was moaning and groaning about how her body is wrecked now since having a child and just as I thinking inside my head "well i'm pleased it wasn't all roses for you" she goes and says "but i wouldnt change it for the world because look at the angel I got in return" while staring lovingly at her baby. I wasn't impressed. At all.And I'd be annoyed about the wonky scar too, my lap scar is crooked too and it has always bugged me as it goes from my belly button at a funny angle. I know it's nothing in the big scheme of things but you do start to wonder when the punishments will start to pay off don't you? xxxx

    May 13, 2010
  14. I agree with the others – this is your battle wound. I know it would drive me crazy to have an unpleasant reminder and have it off center of all things, but this surgery is what will enable you to have those little bunnies and yes, it will be an awesome trump card when they're being brats (not that your kids will ever be brats…but you know…less than perfect) Plus, the scar will fade and probably not even be noticeable to you after a while.

    May 14, 2010
  15. I would be SO annoyed! I keep hoping that the crookedness is due to asymmetrical swelling and that it'll straighten out. But, probably not, eh?Here's hoping for a big payoff!

    May 14, 2010

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