Fuck you, Mama.
My mother and I have been cordially estranged for the past eight months or so, ever since she told me she couldn’t pray that I get pregnant. It’s cordial in the sense that no unkind words have been spoken and that I am polite and sometimes even pleasant when obliged to interact with her. It’s an estrangement in that I have reduced communication to the bare minimum. She doesn’t know about the IUIs or the surgery or any of it. We’ve spoken maybe twice since Christmas, and exchanged a few letters. In my last to her I thanked her for leaving me alone. So when she left a message on Thursday asking me to call, I assumed my grandmother had died.
But no. She wanted to tell me she’d heard a NPR program claiming that the sound of a mother’s voice is comforting. She then said (you know, in her comforting mother’s voice), Everything is okay. You’re fine, everything’s good.
Like with the I can’t pray comment, it might not be obvious why this made me want to sever all ties with her immediately. Her intention is clearly to be supportive. And if she doesn’t know what’s going on in my life, it’s because I’ve shut her out. But I feel like once again she’s managed to find something to say that a) denies my pain, and b) suggests that rather than suffering, I should just let the universe do with me what it will.
Is it unreasonable to think no one is entitled to tell me everything is good? I feel I’ve been clear that everything is not good, though I’ve not given her the details. (And I’d totally give her the details, except she keeps demonstrating this penchant for undermining, hurtful comments.)
I guess my choices, beyond writing about this and hoping you guys will validate my pain (So you know what’s expected of you! Don’t let me down!), are to write to her explaining why she can’t say things like that and why she needs to really, really leave me alone for REALS (I could even ask her not to respond, to avoid the next hurtful comment…) or to add this to the ever-increasing sum of rage I feel towards her. What with my super-sophisticated understanding of the human mind and all, it’s pretty clear which is the more responsible choice. But it’s so hard to want to repair a relationship with someone who has just sucker-punched you.