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I cannot tell a lie…

This weekend BFB said something about how it’s so sad that she’s moving and when I get pregnant on my first IVF cycle she’ll miss my whole pregnancy. I thought…IVF!?!? I ain’t gonna need no stinkin’ IVF! Then I was taken aback. By my own mind, which is quite an achievement. But I now have to cop to the fact that while I’m striving to be logical about my chances, and clinging to my hard-won acceptance that I may never be a mother, apparently some part of me is thinking that soon….

I know none of us gives up on this vision until we’re forced to. Hope is unkillable, and we should know. But it would be nice if, as my next actual opportunity for conception gets closer (and since I got the BIG BLEED today, it’s a little closer! I love you, bleeding uterus!), the logical part of my mind would reassert itself. Because otherwise crashing disappointment could very well be in store for me.

17 Comments Post a comment
  1. I don't know what's harder to hear from a BFB – overdone optimism (as in "You're totally going to get pregnant this cycle") or what I consider the insensitive realism of what your BFB lobbed at you this weekend. Honestly I'm at the point where I don't want to hear *any* of my fertile friends talk about my pregnancy potential in any terms whatsoever. I'm sick of people who don't know what they are talking about try to empathize with me.That said, though (and sorry if I'm sounding bitchy today), I'm totally with you on the riding the hope roller coaster. I want to abandon hope so I stop hurting, and yet hope reliably shows up. The best thing, though (and now I feel like I'm negating that whole first paragraph I wrote), is having hope for someone else. Which I have for you. πŸ™‚

    May 18, 2010
  2. Ah, there she is — hope, that bitch. Because even though the logical part of your mind knows that you are not going to have a litter any time soon, you can't really keep trying and going through all of this complete bullshit unless you actually believe it will work.Case in point, even though we managed to not get pregnant "naturally" in 10 other cycles of trying, I was obsessively googling "timing of implantation" today because this time? This time could be it for us. (Never mind the fact that I should fucking know about the timing of everything at this point, and should possibly be granted an honorary medical degree.) Yeah, umm, probably not so much.The reality is, for me, at least, that disappointment and hope are two sides of the same coin, and no matter how much you think you have one under control, the other keeps appearing.

    May 18, 2010
  3. I know what you mean. I go back and forth between thinking "this cycle HAS to be IT" and "I'm never going to get pregnant!" WHY AM I NOT PREGNANT???? Why are YOU not pregnant? Why are we being tortured like this???? I understand your hope, because you are at least starting out with somewhat of a clean plate here. A fresh uterus. Why SHOULDN'T it work?Me, I'm just batty.

    May 18, 2010
  4. First of all, congratulations on getting your period because that is AWESOME! So, are you officially in "able to try" mode or will that be after another month or two of recovery?And I'm glad you're hoping, Bunny. I think that's fantastic! I have moments like this, too. On the one hand, I sent hubs links to the CDC IVF stats for clinics in our area. On the other hand, I almost started crying when he wanted to discuss our IVF options. Cling to the hope when you can because it is a good, good thing.

    May 18, 2010
  5. yaay to aunt flo coming to town! that picture of the bunnies is ADORABLE. i'd have that many kiddies if dh would just let me, but he's cutting me off at 2. something or other about "replacement theory" and 2 parents should only have 2 kids (i highly disagree) and population control, yadda yadda.i'm assuming bfp just got *confused* and thought you were doing ivf right away? bc you ain't gonna need it! the iui will do the trick, bc your uterus is all healthy and perfecto now!!

    May 18, 2010
  6. I held onto hope for a natural conception till the very bitter end. I had IVF meds and appointments lined up, and waited for my period simultaneously thinking, "Hurry up, Period! I want to start IVF!" and, "My period's late. Maybe I'm pregnant?" At least you have a reason to hope, what with your shiny, new uterus. Your shiny, new bleeding uterus!

    May 18, 2010
  7. I spent an hour or so picking which fertility clinic we'll visit in September when we start testing.And then I spent an hour practically breaking out in hives because it's too soon, and it can't get to that point, and OBVIOUSLY I'm going to get pregnant this summer.Feh. To all of it.

    May 18, 2010
  8. Woohoo!! The Bunny system is revving up its engines! And while I know that you're not prepared to be 100 percent optimistic about natural conception after your surgery, I do think that the surgery has likely changed the parameters for you. And so I don't think your hope is unreasonable. That said, the other is a possibility. It's hard to make peace with that but realism demands it. At the same time that jump – which looks so extreme now – is a lot less so the closer you get to it. I promise.

    May 18, 2010
  9. p.s. You work for THREE HOURS PER DAY? You're a machine!!! πŸ™‚

    May 18, 2010
  10. You know how I feel about hope, she's locked it the closet until a letter arrives from hogwarts saying magic school exists. That said, I expect that with all that room you've got now, the eggs from the iui and the washy sperm prep are gonna get down like never before. It's a serious party, full on. Ps I am pretty sure I will be taking all of you to the next appointment. I was super tempted to get prime shots for Adele of her pal Mr. Wandy.

    May 18, 2010
  11. If we didn't have hope, we'd have to give up. What with your shiny new insides, I do believe you have reason to be hopeful.

    May 18, 2010
  12. Yea for getting your period. I really hope that you don't have to go through ivf. I hope the same for me as well.

    May 18, 2010
  13. Woo-hoo for AF! Hope never leaves me side, and I hope it never does. The alternative is terrifying.

    May 18, 2010
  14. Aw, cycle buddies :).It's easy for other people to be super-positive about how easy it is to just "do IVF" and get pregnant. It's almost like my friend who told me not to worry if I couldn't get pregnant because she was great at making babies and she'd be happy to be my surrogate (!). Uh, thanks?Okay, that's not the same at all I guess. Your friend is just being positive without realizing that IVF is the last resort (and hopefully you won't need it).Good luck this cycle – maybe we'll both get lucky :).

    May 19, 2010
  15. JB #

    Go-go-bunny-ute! (Like Inspector Gadget, only nerdier, right?) I think it's GREAT that you have optimism. Considering the alternative, it's a good attitude to start with, now that you have a clean, shiny new ute and unfettered access to egg pickup. Who's the say how you'll feel about it in a week, or a month, or whenever, so enjoy this feeling (even if it surprises you) while it lasts. It's good for you mental health.

    May 19, 2010
  16. Yay for Bunny's body getting back to normal! I really hope you don't need no stinkin' IVF…now that your body is ready set go, I have high hopes that you won't.

    May 19, 2010
  17. Yay for glorious blood!!! Now once this bleeding session is over I hope you don't bleed from your uterus for a very long time becuase it will be all busy supporting a growing baby.I know BFB would not have meant anything bad by her comment (and I don't want you to think i'm judging her badly by my next comment…) but I do think it's a bit odd that she assumed you'd need IVF. I consider myself a seasoned pessamistic infertile and I certainly am not convinced you'll need to resort to those methods. So damn it, keep your hope alive, it's there for a good reason!!! xxx

    May 20, 2010

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