How can I optimize support?
Every day I think of my friend A., who is in the midst of her second miscarriage. (You remember–I killed her baby with my selfishness.) And I never quite know whether to contact her. Does she need to be left alone? Is she sick and tired of thinking ceaselessly about her situation? Is she trying to stay focused on work? Is she going to get my e-mail (I am totally phobic about using the phone so would never call her) at a terrible time? And then I was reading hope4joy‘s post about the lack of support she’s gotten from her family and thought, SHIT, A. might very well be feeling equally abandoned! Simply because I am not one of those people who’s magically brilliant in these situations.
Basically, the amount of sadness I feel for her (and all of you who have been there…) incapacitates me.
So I wondered if you guys would be willing to tell me about the kinds of support that have helped you. Particularly those of you who have been through a loss, but really all of you. Of course you’re all going to say, It’s your comments, Bunny, that got me through those dark times. I know, I know. But surely there are other things.
What are the words that have actually eased your suffering, if only for a moment? How often did you want to hear from those who loved you? In what form? (I mean, how many times can I send her flowers with a note that promises things will get better someday? Is it time to shift to balloons or a clown?) At any given moment, what was the probability that you really didn’t want to be reminded of your loss or failed IVF cycle or negative test? (Could you ever actually forget it?) In short, what should I do to help my friend?
I’m afraid the answer is NOTHING WILL HELP. And I guess I know nothing really will. So perhaps the question is simply what should I do?