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Life is like a box of slugs

Given my lax approach to gardening, I shouldn’t be too surprised by the fact that my harvest is less than bountiful. I can’t be bothered with pest control (despite Andie’s kind suggestions…) and figure watering is nature’s job. Still, this has been a quite sucky year for my little plot. Some specifics:

Radishes: eaten by horrible white grubs. (Seriously? I thought only humans ate radishes!)
Peppers: eaten by slugs.
Peas: largely eaten by slugs, though some are still standing.
Arugula and spinach: bolted before they really had a chance to grow.
Beets: unlikely to mature at this point. ‘Cause, hello, it’s June, and they are still just a bunch of slug-eaten leaves.
Beans: eaten by slugs.

So clearly I’m a failure at producing life. And doubtless when I finally have that baby–after all my failed IVF cycles and miscarriages and my switch to donor sperm when my husband leaves me–it too will be eaten by slugs.

16 Comments Post a comment
  1. Donor sperm eaten by bandit slugs….I can see the headlines now! But, seriously, don't beat yourself up over this too much. I have what most call a "green thumb", but still my tomatoes are suffering from something….my peppers never mature past "cute", and at the moment my flowers look beaten up. Ahhh, the "joys" of gardening. I am really impressed that you attempted beets and peas…I have never had the courage.

    June 3, 2010
  2. Awww, that's a bummer. I had a terrible time keeping my tomatoes from being devoured by neon green Hornworm caterpillars. Those things are HUGE! And gross. I used to spray down the plants with a soap and water mixture (I used a natural dish soap) and it worked okay I guess.

    June 3, 2010
  3. Slugs just chomped all the flowers I planted in one corner my yard. They are nasty little critters. Have you ever tried to get 'em drunk? Word is they hate beer. Put out little containers of beer and watch as they drink themselves to death, fun!

    June 3, 2010
  4. Oh, the little feckers. I declare war on them.They are supposed to get a shock from copper wire, but oh no, my ninja bloody slugs slid underneath it and ate an entire bean plant.Grr. They should breed dogs to hunt them down. Slughund?

    June 3, 2010
  5. Slugs and grubs? This gardening business sounds lethal. And disgusting. My herbs all died last summer, too, but I'm determined to do better this year. We'll see how it goes.

    June 3, 2010
  6. Argh, sorry. I don't have a green thumb either. And seriously hoping that this is not correlated with reproductive success.

    June 3, 2010
  7. How are your tomatoes???I never have any luck with radishes or beets…But tomatoes are the most important part of the garden, in my opinion. I've already weighed in on how you can't in when it comes to gardening– If it prospers, you feel barren in comparison. If it fails, you feel like you can't make anything bear fruit…I guess you could put out cups of beer. Or just drink the beer and head to the farmer's market for your fresh produce needs…

    June 3, 2010
  8. You have a well fed crop of slugs to nurture birds, or whatever eats slugs. I have pesky snails. I admired your ambition with the garden. The copper wire trick around the base sounds interesting. I'll trade you for my gopher. That fucker is after my grapevine and is boogying down to "im aaalllright" ala Caddyshack. Which is funny, but not so much when you've got one yourself. That said, you have some bunny salt grinder now. Spicing those slimy suckers on a night hunt ought to have some cathartic value!

    June 3, 2010
  9. uh, like i've said in the past. i can't even nurture a bamboo plant, which is supposed to be unkillable!!! pathetic is me.

    June 3, 2010
  10. Thanks Bunny!!! I was NOT thinking "no shit" at all. I was just sort of floundering around with my 2 brain cells that I have remaining on 'career' duty. I needed you to tell me what to do!!!!

    June 3, 2010
  11. Gardens are overrated. Who wants to spend her free time puttering around in a seething mass of slug infested mud? Maybe you should pave over it and build a hot tub. That'd show them slugs.

    June 3, 2010
  12. ASP #

    You're ridiculous (but really hilarious!)! Maybe spray some salt water on your plants, that's how we would get bloodsucking thugs, whoops, I meant slugs, off of us from creeks in the summer. I don't know if it would work for plants, but hey, you never know. Your post hit home yesterday about your friend having a miscarriage. We just found out one of our friends had a miscarriage at 10 weeks a couple weeks back and it really sucked to hear that from her (and him) this past weekend. When we had our miscarriage, it was just good to know we had friends that cared, and like a previous poster had written, just saying, "It sucks" meant a lot to us. And don't forget to include the husband because it equally sucks for him too. So, yeah, just be a good friend and let her know you care. That's all.

    June 3, 2010
  13. p.s. You got your faculty position right out of grad school????A. Super impressive!! You are a superstar!B. Totally stressful!! Basically, you've never been in a position where you're not being regularly evaluated on your progress by a committee! Damn.

    June 3, 2010
  14. It's a little late, but I think beer always works. Plus then you have cans of beer around for those times when, you know, you aren't jacked up on fertility drugs or thinking you are knocked up.Right now, I'm even in house plant killing phase, so I empathize. Nothing living should come near me. I fear for my dog….

    June 3, 2010
  15. JB #

    My husband is the one with green thumb, which is ironic since his sperm are next to useless at creating life. I try to keep the indoor plants alive, although it helps to sometimes think of them as "disposable" so I don't feel too bad when they eventually succumb to my over-watering or neglect. KB does the "farming" in the vegetable garden and I just pick out the flowers for him to plant in the yard every spring. If I touch them as they enter the soil, they die. I've kept the dog alive for a few years with few major incidents, so let's hope we're trending upward when it comes to preventing baby-cide.

    June 4, 2010
  16. 🙂 Bunny, bunny, bunny. I like what Misfits said about you nuturing the slug eaters of the world!

    June 4, 2010

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