No more baby in my face
It’s been exactly twelve weeks since I had my belly cut open. (OMG, I’m almost in my second trimester! *Stabs self in eye*) I’m Officially Recovered. The region from belly button to incision is still a little weird-feeling, and the hideous little shelf of fat above the scar remains. I fear it will always be there, which pisses me off. Scar? Okay, whatevs. I signed up for that shit. Flesh shelf? NOT OKAY. Really don’t need something else about my body to dislike. But the point is: I can now feel free to get super pregnant. So I’ll just go ahead and do that. ‘Cause this infertility biznazz is BULLSHIT.
Meanwhile, BFB and family left town yesterday. I’m sure the time will come when I am wracked with sobs, missing my best friend like anything, lonely as all fuck now that I’ve got exactly zero real friends in Ohio. But right now I’m a leeeeeettle glad to not have that damn baby in my face all the time.
I mean, she’s a perfectly nice baby and all–it’s not her, it’s me. One evening BFB was dealing with something and Jane’s crying was stressing her out (and Mr. BFB is absolute SHIT at comforting his infant. Like…WOW. Too bad she’s not an iPhone–that he is Master of), so I took Jane out into the garden. I told her about the different plants, and she reached her tiny hand out and touched them. Watching those perfect little fingers gripping my clematis blossoms and those giant eyes growing so wide with wonder…well, it made me want to die. And the rest of the time it was all about keeping my eyes forward and ignoring the kissing and singing (I couldn’t quite bring myself to prohibit singing, though I seriously considered it…) and the cooing and the gurgling and BFB’s constant efforts to get me to admire Jane’s cunning little antics. Hyperbolic as it might sound to those of you who are well adjusted non-assholes, it was fucking exhausting.
I wonder if it will actually be easier being infertile without my fecund friend around. Probably not, but if any of you live in a cave where there are no pregnant women or babies, be sure to weigh in.
As we were saying our goodbyes, BFB asked if she should keep me updated with baby pictures. I think she was a bit taken aback by the vehemence with which I said NO THANK YOU.