Journey into my psyche…
Let me start with something amusing, since the rest of this post will not be. And perhaps even this item will not be, particularly to those of you who are not into black humor. Although if you’re not into black humor, you may not want to ever come back here.
In Berlin, Mr. Bunny and I were having lunch with one of my favorite grad school friends (male! not pregnant!) at an Italian place. Our pizzas were taking an incredibly long time. Grad school friend said, Maybe they have to fire up their special ovens. Mr Bunny (who is ethnically, though not religiously Jewish) said, OH NOOOOOOOOO! My people have had enough of the special ovens!
Today I stopped by the pharmacy to put in an order for Ovidrel so that I’ll be prepared to do an IUI this month. I have some Clomid left over from my last IUI, and I’ve looked at Mr. Bunny’s travel schedule on our shared calendar and the timing should work out with respect to his Contribution. (You will not recall, because why should you? You have important things to going on in your own life! that I have to wait until November for IVF, but can do IUI in the meantime, provided travel doesn’t get in the way.) The thing is, I haven’t told my husband about my negative test yet.
Based on what I’ve gleaned from reading your stories, I’m a crazy person in this respect. I mean, those of you who test at all, don’t you share the news right away? I don’t know why I don’t want to tell him. It’s not just this month–I’ve always had a really hard time getting myself to do it. Many months I don’t think I even DO. It just becomes obvious. And recall that I’m also the person who didn’t tell her husband about her chemical pregnancy until SEVEN MONTHS later. I’m not sure what my deal is. So I figured I’d ask you, because what’s more fun that psychoanalyzing someone else? And if you’re like You’re a psychologist, do it yourself, I repeat, I’m not that kind of psychologist.
So that you have complete information to work with, it’s not that I’m hoping I’m pregnant despite the negative test, though it’s true that when I tell him about a negative test, he sometimes asks if there’s a chance that I’m still pregnant, and I HATE IT when he does that. (HAAAAAAAAATE IT!) What it feels like inside my head is that I don’t want to remind him of the whole fucking situation, ’cause he’s told me he doesn’t like thinking about it. And telling him requires us to talk about next steps, often, which he’s said he hates. But there’s got to be something more to it. Something DARK! DISTURBING!
So, how do you handle this particular moment in your lives? Why do you think I have such a hard time with it?
(Oh, and don’t bother suggesting that I just stop testing. I have my specific reasons for doing so and you ain’t gonna convert me.)