You don’t think you have any hope…
Until you find yourself terribly disappointed. First, I should say that I have NOTHING to be terribly disappointed about, and I’m quite aware that an awful lot of people do. They have my sincere sympathies even as I wallow in self-pity. It’s just that any reproduction-related procedure gets me so keyed up that I have a BIG emotional reaction when the slightest thing goes wrong. And it’s funny–I feel like a million different people with this cycle. There’s the HUGE part of me that has zero hope for IUI.* There’s the part of me that is following all the rules because I’m terrified of the looming finality of IVF. There’s the silly little part of me that thinks if Egg can get pregnant via IUI, maybe I can too (isn’t that the most wonderful thing? I’m not gonna lie–some blogosphere pregnancies are tinged with why not meeeeeee??? sadness as well as joy, but not this one! That girl has waited her turn like a CHAMP! Please, Universe, don’t make her wait any more.), despite the fact that our situations have nothing to do with each other. Then there’s the part of me that’s trying to give positive thinking a chance in order to supress the uterine spikes. (Because stress makes your uterus grow spikes. I have a PhD so you have to believe me.) And then there’s the entirely normal part of me that wants everything to go perfectly, just like every other woman who has ever gone through this. Because going through this shit is hard enough even when it does go perfectly.
A couple of things are not going perfectly this cycle. My ovaries are taking their time, so I’m not supposed to trigger until tomorrow. But what if I ovulate when I normally do? If that happens, there will be no sperm for my nice little egg(s). (My clinic is a No Sex Before IUI clinic, plus my husband will be out of town.) I know I should just trust the clinic and not worry about it, but I find that very hard to do. (I also got Nurse Idiot this morning, and she does not so much inspire the confidence.) And second, they wanted me to trigger on Wednesday for a Friday IUI, but a stupid mandatory pre-semester thing I HAVE to do got in the way. Take home point: the timing of the IUI will be suboptimal.
Anyway, I’ll get over it, and will simply have to hope for the best. But it’s always a surprise how devastating these little things can be, considering how little I expect the procedure to work in the first place!
*I know, you guys are all like But your shiny new uterus! However, if my RE thought the fibroids were a real issue he would have recommended myomectomy from the start. Having them out is really just a pre-IVF necessity. Ergo IUI is pointless, same as it was the last four times.