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The four year anniversary gift is jizz in a catheter, right?

Four years ago was my wedding day. I married Mr. Bunny because he was the first man to love me despite the fact that I have a big black oval for a face. (He sees my inner beauty.) As it turns out, he’s also the perfect match for me. I can never quite get over my astonishment that he’s willing to put up with my crankiness and nagging and fits of despair. 

That blurry figure is Mr. BFB, who performed the ceremony. You can only see Mr. Bunny’s hand. Just in case you think I’m married to a guy with a blurry face. Wouldn’t THAT make a pretty baby?

I considered trying to get pregnant that same year. Once I’d recovered from finishing my dissertation and moving and buying a house and adjusting to life as a faculty member, I felt like there was a lot of extra time in my schedule. But I wanted to spend a few years being married first. I wonder what would have happened if we had tried then. Would we have gotten to skip this IF bullshit? Would I even want that? As long as there’s still hope for a baby someday, I can be grateful for the ways this experience has brought us closer and made us stronger. Or would we have spent those first fairly happy years being miserable instead, going through exactly what we’ve gone through, but without the deeper understanding of each others’ characters we developed in years one and two?

It would be pretty awesome if we conceived a child on our anniversary, if via a very unromantic method. (Everything went fine this morning. I told Nurse Idiot that the bend in my cervix goes anterior, then posterior, and she was in with only a few sighs of frustration. I HATE having some person between my legs sighing with frustration!) Missing out on the fabulousness of that coincidence will be an added source of disappointment if this goes the way it’s always gone before.

It’s a bit weird to post poems read at your wedding, because taste in nuptial readings is so subjective and personal. But one of the poems read at ours has come to have extra meaning for me in the wake of IF. I think many of us who are the broken ones in the relationship wonder whether our partners would like to trade us in for someone with working parts. And I know my husband fears that if we never have our own child, he won’t be enough. And he won’t be–something will always be missing, there will always be a hole in my heart. But he’s what I would choose if I could have only one thing in life. And I do not think that this will change, no matter how rocky our path.

Love is not all: it is not meat nor drink
Nor slumber nor a roof against the rain;
Nor yet a floating spar to men that sink
And rise and sink and rise and sink again;
Love can not fill the thickened lung with breath,
Nor clean the blood, nor set the fractured bone;
Yet many a man is making friends with death
Even as I speak, for lack of love alone.
It well may be that in a difficult hour,
Pinned down by pain and moaning for release,
Or nagged by want past resolution’s power,
I might be driven to sell your love for peace,
Or trade the memory of this night for food.
It well may be. I do not think I would.

22 Comments Post a comment
  1. AL #

    Happy four years, Mr + Mrs Bunny! Hope you two have a wonderful day and that this IUI is it. That would be amazing. It's kind of crazy that we were married on the same day, both spent ~2 years preventing, and have been in the trenches of TTC since then. Gah. I hope by this time next year things look very very different for both of us.{I think your anniversary post kicked my anniversary post's ass btw. So sweet 🙂 }

    August 19, 2010
  2. Happy Anniversary! Hoping this IUI is the one. That WOULD be a great anniversary present!

    August 19, 2010
  3. Happy Anniversary, Bunny. What an intense poem, it is lovely. I have been thinking about all of those what ifs lately too, what if we married earlier or starting trying sooner, no point, we didn't, we are here now.I hope you get knocked up on your anniversary too despite the circumstances lack of romance.

    August 19, 2010
  4. Edna was brilliant, wasn't she? She had this uncanny knack of getting right to the heart of the matter, even while there were plenty of naysayers who questioned her craft. But nobody can say it quite like her.Happy anniversary, Bunny. I'm glad you got those first, happy years of marriage before all this began. It's some bad stuff. But it's marginally easier with a strong and loving foundation.I'm crossing fingers for that romantic conception story (even if by unromantic means).

    August 19, 2010
  5. Happy Anniversary! The poem is beautiful. I hear you on attachment to meaningful days in terms of baby-making. We found we were pregnant on June 21, Solstice day, and I thought it would be lovely to name the little one Summer if it were a girl. Not to be. May you get your big-day, blurry-black-oval-faced baby! So glad you found Mr. Bunny.

    August 19, 2010
  6. Happy Anniversary! Jizz in a catheter… still giggling.

    August 19, 2010
  7. Happy anniversary, bunnies. If the universe had any sense of poetry or simple justice, it would make this the successful day. THAT would be SO EXCELLENT, and perfect, (nudge nudge, universe). (And, eh, sorry to make it about My Fantastic Self, but thanks for your point of view, bunny. Your description of the hole in your heart existing alongside your love for your husband is so enlightening and helpful to my understanding of my husband. It's sinking in, slowly, how he might not want to chuck me out with the recycling.)

    August 19, 2010
  8. Wow, I'm not sure what to visually admire most here- the dress, the hair, the flowers??? Very very nice taste!This was a beautiful post, and I hope Mr. Bunny gets a chance to read it. I also love the poem. Coincidentally, I am reading Millay's biography right now (there are several, but I'm reading the one called Savage Beauty). She was certainly a wild child. It's pretty good, check it out.In regards to the OTHER portion of your post– I am not sure what is worse, you having Nurse Idiot sighing in frustration between your legs on your anniversary, or Mr. Bunny having to do his thing in a cup on your anniversary… either option has a comical flair to it that I hope you can share with the products of this experience one day.As for waiting– you are not by a long shot old, so I think that you would have had this experience either way. I'm glad you waited. And I'm glad E and I waited, too. I like to look fondly on our days together before the complications of reproduction entered the picture… we'll always have those memories.So– happy anniversary, and I hope a nice celebration is in order, which will clearly defeat any residual uterine spikes that may still be hanging around…p.s. In terms of papers, mine boast neither speed nor accuracy. It's all kind of like I've been agonizing over a finger-painting assignment here…

    August 19, 2010
  9. cgd #

    happy anniversary to you both. I love the idea of conceiving on this day (in what ever form that has to come in) or any day for that matter. You made such a pretty bride, black dot and all.

    August 19, 2010
  10. Happy Anniversary, lady! I have to say, I absolutely love your wedding dress. Top notch. I often think, too, that I'm not sure I'd want to trade in all the miscarriage/IF hardship. It's really shown me how strong we are as a couple and how much love we have for one another. Of course, this is all assuming I can actually have a healthy pregnancy someday. Great poem. Have a lovely day together!

    August 19, 2010
  11. happy happy anniversary bunny!!! i will be thinking great, positive thoughts for this cycle, and i really hope that a year from now, that you'll be posting pictures of your little boy bunnies :o) hope you guys have some fun celebration in the works!! xoxoxoxo.

    August 19, 2010
  12. Happy (hoppy?) anniversary, Bunny! 🙂 You looked gorgeous on your wedding day, black oval and all, my dear.I do believe that I read somewhere that the 4th anniversary is the jizz-in-a-catheter anniversary. Pretty sure of it. Thinking of you and wishing very positive things for this cycle…with all my freakin' heart. P.S. We read a Nikki Giovanni poem at our wedding. 😉

    August 19, 2010
  13. I happen to think anniversary IUIs are extremely lucky! Hoping all of the stuff that is supposed to happen is HAPPENING right this second!!! I think about the whole waiting thing a lot, myself. We've been together for 10 years and married for four. What the heck were we waiting for? If we'd tried right after our wedding, would it have worked? Did waiting bring on my anovulation? Did occupying myself with running? Ugh. BROKEN RECORD and it's hard hard hard not to think about. Fortunately your relationship is strong and you and Mr. Bunny are an amazing team in spite of IF. I have the highest ever hopes for you Bunny. And I love your wedding dress and poem! xo

    August 19, 2010
  14. Aw, beautiful post. And pretty picture – love your dress and hair! Happy anniversary, I hope you are surprised after this IUI and nurse idiot sighs of frustration will be all for good. Beautiful poem, too. Funny how things that are significant at one point in our lives take on even more significance with time.

    August 19, 2010
  15. I thought about your a lot today Bunny, as I was driving to and back from my RE appointment. It's Bunny's IUI day. Hopefully the day she gets pregnant with the child coming to her and her husband. I liked thinking that. My husband and I got married in March 2010, just after our fertility treatments failed and were told definitively that we could not conceive a biological child to us both. And getting married 4 months after hearing that news was brutal. And so far, our first year of marriage is very difficult. So reading that you had 2 years of marriage without the dark shadow of IF makes my heart glad for you and your husband. I loved the poem you shared. It feels so personal to me to talk about or share the poetry that resonates with me. I don't do it very often. I feel thankful that you did. You looked gorgeous on your wedding picture (black oval and all). I hope you and Mr. Bunny have a lovely celebration this evening.

    August 19, 2010
  16. Happy Anniversary! I wish you'd picked my wedding prose 🙂

    August 19, 2010
  17. Happy Anniversary! Your post made me laugh sitting here at my desk. Blog dot and blurry face – what a couple! :)Best of luck with this IUI. Surely this special day will bring you extra good luck!

    August 20, 2010
  18. Your wedding dress is beautiful, as is that poem. It's amazing that through IF you can find deeper understanding and closeness between you and your husband. When baby bunny comes, he/she will be so lucky to be brought into such a loving home. Happy anniversary, Bunny!

    August 20, 2010
  19. ASP #

    You look stunning, even with that oval face of yours! Happy anniversary! I'll be wishing and hoping right along with you and everyone else that this cycle is a smashing success! Best of luck!!

    August 20, 2010
  20. Hey — Happy day after your Anniversary!That dress rocks, btw! I so want you to be one of those "can you believe she got knocked up on her anniversary" stories? It would be awesome!I love ESVM. I made the Boy read the poem, too, so thanks for facilitating a (rare)romantic moment!

    August 20, 2010
  21. Oh, apropos of nothing, I think that you and my sister were at the same psych conference in Berlin. Weird small world.

    August 20, 2010
  22. Another amazing post: hilarious, poignant, and beautiful. Crossing my fingers for this IUI!

    August 20, 2010

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