Ancient Chinese Wisdom
This fortune cookie fortune is taped to the wall of my office.
I was thinking of endless department meetings when I stuck it up, not two week waits, but, being Ancient Chinese Wisdom and all, it’s got multiple applications.
Of course, unlike with department meetings where I make Noises of Extreme Annoyance when my colleagues get off track, I’m not showing any impatience. It’s all within, bubbling away on endless simmer. Like one of those fancy water baths you use to poach things. Like fish. And chicken.
Uh…where was I? RIGHT! IMPATIENT! Impatient and afraid. Not ready to face the result I know is coming. I think y’all’s positive attitudes towards my eventual pregnancy infected me, and made me forget that of course it will never happen. (Not that I want you to be negative. Too bad you’ll never have a baby, Bunny. Sux 2 B U. = Not really what I’m looking for.) Maybe I just feel alone, despite your lovely support. There’s not much we can really do for each other during these periods except offer words of hope. And my husband doesn’t like to talk about it, doesn’t ask how I’m doing, doesn’t think about this every moment of every day. It’s a solitary experience.
I went to the botanical garden today for a few moments of quiet contemplation. I threw a coin in the reflecting pool, and remembered throwing a coin in the pool this time last year, making the same wish. Today I sat on a secluded bench near a little stream. I watched water sparkling over sand, and a chipmunk sitting on the bank. I felt no peace, just a heavy heart. As the Ancient Chinese say, this shit sucks.