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The optimistic husband

I’ve mentioned before that Mr. Bunny is an optimist. What with my considerably more cautious attitude, this is making for some interesting attempts to talk about ye olde embryo. I mean, mainly we’re both too scared to mention anything beyond the ultrasound, and you can only have so many conversations that go, I hope our baby doesn’t die! I also hope that! But when we do discuss the topic, he keeps saying things that make me want to reply with a depressing piece of information. (E.g., Him: That third beta is so great! In My Head: Yes, but plenty of people have rising betas and then miscarry.) Thus far, I’ve been biting my tongue. I figure if he can be happy, why get in his way? But I do worry that he won’t be prepared if things go south. And, selfishly, that he won’t be ready to support ME. Or maybe that he’ll be all we got pregnant once, we can do it again! while I’m being all I can’t fathom living. A good solution would be for me to not miscarry, huh?

I’m partly sorry my clinic doesn’t scan for a gestational sac–it would be cool to have a little more information sooner rather than later. On the other hand, I’m grateful that, God willing, I’ll get to go to this conference and take my Big Career Step in a state of ignorance. Because trying to put on a brave show of professionalism while utterly devastated…well, many of you know all too well how undesirable that is.

Speaking of which, I leave on Tuesday. The google embargo is still in place, so I can’t research the dangers of flying early in pregnancy. Can you guys reassure me that it will be fine? I asked Nurse Idiot and she said it wasn’t an issue, but with a particular note of uncertainty in her voice that I have learned means, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

22 Comments Post a comment
  1. i hear you about biting your tongue. to speak or not to speak. i called dh to tell him my e2 numbers last night and he was like "great!!" and i'm like "what the hell are you talking about?!! that's not great!". needless to say, i got a freaking earful about being a paranoid lunatic and he kept telling me to RELAX. relax? *hmph*. HE didn't get a hello kiss when he got home last night. i dunno squat about post-bfp, but i'm SURE it's fine to fly. are you going far? just get up every once in a while to get the circulation going :o)

    September 9, 2010
  2. My nurse also said flying in early pregnancy was fine, in a confident voice. (I flew at 5w4d and 6w2d for vacay.) She told me to drink lots of water and to get up for stretching breaks at least every hour.Your hubs sounds a lot like mine. It can be frustrating, I feel like I schooled my husband on every doomsday scenario under the sun (lovely), but I wouldn't have him any other way, he's a rock. I ask him every morning, "Are the babies okay?" Him: "Yes." And then a variation, "Really?! But are you SURE?" "Yes, the babies are okay." And then, "They're growing and healthy and everything is okay?" "YES!!!" Then I let him go about his business until I put him through the same process again after work, and before bed. Sigh.

    September 9, 2010
  3. When I was young and optimistic about getting pregnant on the "first try" I did a lot of googling about flying during pregnancy (cuz Hubs and I were planning a trip). It's perfectly fine! I have also had several people fly out to visit me during their first trimester (and these are smart people). So, I am going to say it's going to be just fine!!!

    September 9, 2010
  4. I think most women are told not to worry about flying. I was told I shouldn't but this was because a) I have a blood-clotting thing, and b) given my less than stellar history, I think they're more afraid of something happening when I'm in a strange place, and away from familiar medical care than anything happening because of the flight itself. I'd say: go, and with a light heart. Lots and lots of women fly in early pregnancy (I know an airline stewardess who flew regularly into her second tri).You and Mr. Bunny sound like a good pair. I think it's better that you're not both pessimists or optimists. You can meet in the reasonable and sensible middle, sort of balance each other out. I understand your being cautious in your conversations (boy, do I understand that). But I hope – very soon – that you're able to exhale, and to start planning with reasonable confidence. In terms of that 5 week ultrasound, it's always annoyed me…but I've always been given the option, and so I'd probably be annoyed if I weren't. There's not a lot they can say – gestational sac, check, yolk sac, check. But whatever they see, they'd just tell you that the definitive scan would have to wait for the next week. (Thinking good thoughts as ever for you, Bunny.)

    September 9, 2010
  5. i agree that the best plan is not to miscarry. excellent idea.in the spirit of your previous post, i will share my secret of not-miscarrying-despite-great-fear-and-scary-excretions: sugar. great heaping lots of it, in the form of candy and soda. and corn syrup, in particular coca-cola. don't say i never told you nothin.

    September 9, 2010
  6. Maybe you could encourage Mr B to deploy the cautious optimism – without deflating him or worrying him too much? Just One Day at a Time sort of thing..?

    September 9, 2010
  7. You are sitting on a lot of information. I get it that you want to protect him. No good can really come from it, I suppose. I dont think knowing the worst can happen makes it hurt any less.No sweat on the flying. I used to travel FT for my job and there were no concerns. Hurrah!

    September 9, 2010
  8. I think it is ok that Mr. Bunny is optimistic. First of all, that gestational sac is THERE– there'd be no way to have betas like that without it being firmly tucked in where it should be. And there's no reason why the rest should not also go without a hitch. After all your problem was meatballs, not eggs! :)I am super excited and scared for you giving this talk. When I gave my conference talk in Portland this summer, and then my recent "let me tell you what I have accomplished for 15 minutes, in exchange for $50,000 plus a year of health benefits" talk, I was utterly freaked both times. More nervous than normal, because I was also worried that the stress would hurt the baby. Extra stress! Great! AmyG, however, assures me that tonic stress has no effect (although I have read articles to the contrary in the primate endocrinology world…). Ok, I fear I am making this worse. You'll be FINE, and so will your baby bunny/ies!!

    September 9, 2010
  9. AL #

    Ah, yes, the best plan is not to miscarry and I'm hoping with all of got that this pregnancy is an easy one for you.No matter how many scary stories I told my husband during either pregnancy and our crap luck in two pregnancies so far, the hubs *always* remained totally optimistic until the doc came back with the bad news. Even the second pregnancy, when I was so incredibly pessimistic about it, he thought it would HAVE to work out. As annoying as it was, I'm glad he was the way he was and I hope if I'm lucky enough to be pregnant again that he'll remain the rock, the one that trusts that things will work out. Because I need that hopefulness, even if it is uneducated and overly optimistic (since I am overly pessimistic, let's be honest). I guess what I'm saying is, like Adele said, you two are a good pair. You need his optimism and he needs a dose of your pessimism to stay balanced.And for flying – lots of water and you should be fine. Thinking of you and your lil bean.

    September 9, 2010
  10. AL #

    *hoping with all I've got

    September 9, 2010
  11. I understand where you are coming from regarding the optimistic husband, optimisim is a luxury that a man who has not had a miscarriage can afford. Having said that it's good men are optimistic otherwise most of us would have given up by now. I don't think the flying should be an issue, only in the 3rd trimester. Good luck bunny we are all pulling for you!

    September 9, 2010
  12. It is so tough when you want to be happy but you feel like you can't loosen up and enjoy…because something awful could happen. I'm so tired of that feeling. I wish you all the luck in the world! You deserve a baby bunny!

    September 9, 2010
  13. Oh, I completely get the husband thing. When we were pregnant last year, I was constantly worrying about miscarriage and he was seemingly oblivious to it. It makes you feel kind of alone. Like…not only do you have to worry about taking care of this life inside you, you also have the added burden of being the only one thinking it could go wrong at any minute. It's a lot to bear. I hope that this trip will help you get your mind off things a little bit and enjoy yourself.

    September 9, 2010
  14. JB #

    I believe you can fly…Okay, R Kelly references are not appropriate. I get it.Flying is FINE until 36 weeks. Get up and stretch often and drink boatloads of water (get used to those instructions, they will last for MONTHS in every context). Go take that career step and feel good about it! Your behbeh will be so proud of his/her mama!This is the hardest time to maintain optimism. I remember it well. It lasted until around 12 weeks, actually, and resurfaced at intervals. I still worry about weird things that could go wrong. You can't stop it; you can only hope to contain it. Let Mr. Bunny's optimism rub off on you a little, if you can. It might just help.

    September 9, 2010
  15. I just started following along here through friends of friends blogs. And I love your writing style. I have to say my hubby's positive outlook on things drove me kind of crazy in early pregnancy. I wanted to shake him and tell him to calm down, and then I felt guilty about raining on his parade. Waiting for an ultrasound is the worst- and Week 6 u/s is more important than anything!

    September 9, 2010
  16. bir #

    haha… your hub sounds like mine… I'm in trouble for being "negative" (hmmm… negative or realistic?)! So, I'm trying to learn to keep my mouth shut πŸ™‚ but internalising these "realistic" thoughts isn't good for business either!Not far ahead of you, and following your journey.. x

    September 9, 2010
  17. Flying at this early stage is fine-I know people who have flown well into the second trimester. I was told similar to Adele, due to the blood-clotting thing; and also my history. But I am in a totally different situation medical wise, and you have nothing to worry about. Go take the Big Career Step and be awesome, Bunny! I know you will be πŸ™‚

    September 9, 2010
  18. I hope this doesn't sound sexist…maybe I should just comment on my own husband and not generalize…and then I'll be ok πŸ™‚ My experience is that my husband just can't handle thinking about it – and he doesn't have the communication skills to discuss it…he was pretty much flumoxed about pregnancy itself let alone contemplating what might happen. πŸ™‚

    September 9, 2010
  19. Delurking to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blog and to let you know that flying very early in pregnancy is fine. I got pregnant just weeks before an international research trip that I could not cancel. Even though my history includes several miscarriages due to a blood clotting problem, after doing my six-week scan (the day before I flew to Europe for a month), my RE's nurse told me (with confidence) that I just needed to drink lots of water and walk around every hour. I was a mess throughout the entire trip, but the baby was (and is, at 6 months old) fine. Good luck!

    September 10, 2010
  20. N #

    I have to fly next week and I think it is fine also. I would suggest drinking h20 and moving also. The risk of stoke is slightly higher in pregnant women (1st tri and post pardum) then the average non-pregnant woman. (I only know this because I work in the heart disease/stoke field and I accidentally saw a presentation on it last May.) I don't think it is really high as I have never heard about it from anyone other than stroke specialists. Good luck!

    September 10, 2010
  21. I too have one of those optimistic husbands at home. What was it with the 1970s? Did they mass produce optimistic boys and unleash them unto North American mothers? In any case, they are good to have around, those optimistic husbands. Even when we want to squeeze their lips together shut so they stop talking so optimistically about such grave matters as that of pregnancy. I'm excited about your big career step conference next week, and I hope you'll tell us about how it goes. Although I already know (I'm Alice from the Twilig.ht Saga) You'll be FABULOUS.

    September 10, 2010
  22. I flew the day I got my first positive beta with my first IVF and at 11 weeks with my second. I talked to my Dr both times and was given the OK both times. I was told to drink lots of water, get up for walks, and take a baby aspirin the night before the flight.Also? Love the optimistic husbands! Mine keeps me from hiding under my pillow and crying with worry.

    September 10, 2010

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