This is going to seem contradictory…
I spent the weekend as well as Monday and Tuesday (Mediocre Institution’s fall break. YAY!) lying around being feeble. I’ve developed an Endless Headache, which mixes nicely with the Perpetual Nausea and Transitory Yet Reliable Heartburn. I actually didn’t know headaches were a thing that went along with pregnancy. THEY ARE. And it sucks. I find that waking up with a headache makes the whole day really hard to face. So that was me whining about how hard it is to gestate a fetus. Wah.
You’d think all these symptoms would be nice and reassuring. They are not. The thing is, I know too many tragic stories where women felt just the same as they had been feeling, then showed up to an appointment to learn that their fetus was dead. I can’t help but imagine that possibility. It makes me want to google things like “how to know if your fetus is dead” or “how long does a dead fetus stick around before your body notices”, but, uh…I really don’t want to see the results that such searches would turn up.
This is why people get a doppler. But I can’t make up my mind. Pros: reassurance. Cons: terror, which may or may not turn out to be unnecessary. You’d think I could just come down on one side or the other, but I can’t. I think part of me feels like buying one would be giving in to some level of anxiety and obsessiveness that I really don’t want in my life. Like, shouldn’t I be able to get through this on faith alone? And it feels like further medicalization of what has already been a very medical experience. (No offense intended to those of you who have gone for it–these are just my own personal crazy feelings.) Part of me feels like it’s silly to live in the age of science and not take advantage of it. So it’s up to you to decide for me. What should I do?