P-A-I vs. F-F: Battle to the Death?
Lately I’ve been thinking about the relationship between the Pregnant-After-Infertility woman and her Fertile Friend. This thinking was inspired mainly by my own relationship with the only fertile friend I’ve got, BFB. (Most of my very few friends don’t want kids or are men, so may technically be fertile, but don’t count.) But also by Trinity‘s Baby Shower Series. The issues she was grappling with are very different from mine, but there are some common threads. Because issues have threads. Love me, love my mixed metaphors. And by a post of Sienna‘s about a friend who is due shortly after S. and is so excited to share the experience. But I don’t want to make any assumptions about their thinking, so we’ll just focus on me.
I’ve been struggling with the fact that I still resent my best friend for getting pregnant so instantly, for the pain I endured while watching her be pregnant, and for the pain I endured while watching her be a mother. I don’t want to tell her about my pregnancy, I don’t want to hear about her baby. And because those are the major things going on in our lives, we have nothing to talk about. We’ve been making a good effort via e-mail, but she wants to talk on the phone and I’m thinking…what’s the point?
On the surface, there’s nothing much to ruminate about here. IF = baggage, friends with babies = hard to navigate, pregnancy ≠ magic cure. But then there’s the part of me that thinks I need to get over myself already. I mean, am I seriously never going to open my heart to her? Am I trying to punish her by holding back on the details and keeping her out? Am I trying to make sure she remains “other” so I can shore up my identity as someone who has Been Through Something? Is it just that I don’t know if I’m going to have a baby for reals, so I’m protecting myself? I know if Anonymous were here (not the nice Anonymous who just happens not to have or want to share her internet identity, but the Anonymous who is CRAZEEEE) she’d say u shud get over ursel you stupid inferil cow you don’t diserve a frend at all b/c u r 2 self involved and unable to see beyond your own petty, artificially magnified sense of your own suffering. Or something like that. And she ain’t entirely wrong.
When I last posted about this intensely fascinating relationship, y’all mainly advised me to give it time and accept that relationships change. Excellent advice. But…what do I do while I’m giving it time?