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Yes, Mom, I HAVE gained some weight.

While my department chair knows my status as Pregnant Professor, he’s been asked to keep it to himself, and the rest of my colleagues haven’t figured it out yet. This is because I haven’t been visibly pregnant for long, but also because my department is small and we don’t really see each other that often. When the teaching schedule for next semester went around recently, my chair apparently got some inquiries about why I will be on leave next fall. He responded with something vague and kept my terrible secret. I am not sure why anyone would give a shit, since my leave has no effect whatsoever on their lives, but a couple of my colleagues are insecure assholes, so who knows what crazy things go on in their tiny little heads. (Um, this is why it’s important for me to keep this weblog anonymous. HI, I LIKE TO CALL MY COLLEAGUES ASSHOLES.) Anyway, after wondering why the hell my chair was telling me this, I became weirdly determined to keep my state a secret for as long as possible. We had a department meeting yesterday, and I wore my baggiest, most Bun Bump concealing garments. I’m pretty sure I got away with it, and I enjoyed the feeling of being a teenager trying to hide her pregnancy from her parents. I acknowledge that this is crazy. And passive-aggressive. But I feel like it’s none of their damn business, and if wondering about it stresses them out, that’s what they get for being crazy.

I suppose the other possibility is that I’m afraid to be outed as a pregnant person. That I don’t want to deal with bullshit assumptions that this was easy. and whatever else.

But I’m pretty sure it’s because my colleagues are ASSHOLES and I want to fuck with them.

16 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oak #

    I'm on your ship. At 30 weeks, I still haven't told a single colleague or customer outside of management. The benefits of working from home and from having a giant torso I suppose. My customers are ass hats – and my colleagues are just idiots. Its hard being the smartest person in the room, isn't it? 🙂

    January 7, 2011
  2. JC #

    Lol, awesome! =)

    January 7, 2011
  3. AL #

    hahha, i love it! I would feel the same way with some of my co-workers, though I know they would have called me out by now. I'm glad you can mess with them a bit longer, but pretty soon the belleh will speak for itself.

    January 7, 2011
  4. I learned ASSHOLE in German this week, just for you. I am late in commenting on your other fancy knicker pants post, so I'll combine thoughts here to confuse those who try to understand my cryptic ways. (I am a mystery, forget it!)First, masterful use of a stapler. I think we would be great friends. I do know that you are uber tidy and I am clean, yet one of those messy creative types. Sigh. That said, I am sure we can find common ground. Hacking at your tights because you are annoyed is very much my M.O. Add some superglue at your desk, and hot damn you are on. Excellent work. I know you are one to wear footed stockings, but this year, my proclivity towards opaqueness in stockings has led me to wearing actual tights. Running tights that aren't shiny. I wear boots, and no one is the wiser. Otherwise, garters are your new friend. I like operation hidden bun. I expect a full dramatic reveal. Where you say "'CUZ I'm pregnant you assholes!" at the next meeting and whip open your poofy marshmallow overcoat (don't think I've forgotten this offense) and point to some obnoxious baby fetus picture emblazoned on your obvious belly. And, if that's how that unfolds, well, do the honor of videoing it for us all.

    January 8, 2011
  5. Ha ha ha I love Misfits idea. Brilliant!Best of luck keeping the secret and tormenting your fellow professors. One would think they would have to be smart to be professors, but no?

    January 8, 2011
  6. JB #

    I didn't out myself to anyone but my immediate supervisor for a loooong time (also a work from home type). The first time it was revealed on facebook was when I had a birth picture to post of Jackson. I not so secretly loved all the "Oh, I didn't know you were preggers" bullshit comments. I got the question from strangers and around 8 months, when I had reached manatee proportions, I just stared blankly at the questioner and said, deadpan, "No." Then walked away. It IS kind of a fun game. Like when you don't let somebody in your lane of traffic because they should have merged a long ass time ago, dammit.

    January 8, 2011
  7. Good plan, cause once your out, your out! And then people will want to talk about and touch your abdomen, all the freaking time!!!!! To the point that it will make it difficult to do your job and complete strangers will try to grope you. It's AWESOME!!!!

    January 8, 2011
  8. Well, you probably think your colleagues are assholes because … wait for it … they're assholes!And really, if they've got nothing better to do than sit around and gossip about why you're taking a leave, they deserve any little anxiety it might cause them.Have you thought about just not telling them at all? How wonderfully awkward it will be when some more weeks go by and you are plainly showing, yet no one can say anything about it because you haven't told. I recommend that just for the lulz.

    January 8, 2011
  9. You'll have to update on your colleagues' knowledge of your pregnancy cause there are just too many funny ideas here for you not to!

    January 8, 2011
  10. Academia is crawling with assholes. I know because I've been at their mercy for far too long. Luckily, you are no longer at their mercy; you just have to tolerate them at faculty meetings. I can't believe how nosy people are, asking the chair about why you were going to be on leave like it's any of their business.

    January 9, 2011
  11. Oh law I know how you feel. I went IRL with a couple folks and I still harbor a deep fear someone will accidentally out me and everyone I work with will see I call them by name, Fuck Face.I cannot wait to get fatter and fatter and fatter still while sitting tight with my little secret.Fools.I lived a little with this post, pretending it was me and I was smart enough to have yer job.

    January 10, 2011
  12. As someone whose colleagues demonstrate similar levels of asshole-ness, I think you're being smart. That knowledge belongs to you. Access to it should be granted on a need-to-know basis. Not because telling endangers anything, but because it's like a giant box of chocolates and YOU, Ms Bunny, get to distribute them to the people you like, people who are your friends. And this bunch doesn't sound like they are deserving of chocolate. Honestly, academic departments are the worst rumor mills out there. So gossip-y. It's like advanced degrees only increase this tendency for some very strange reason. I say: Let 'em wonder.

    January 10, 2011
  13. Love this – keep those assholes wondering for as long as possible!

    January 10, 2011
  14. Awesome. I did not have the luxury as my pooch emerged almost immediately and within a few weeks there was no question. I say hold out as long as you can! And when people finally start asking, give them a weird look and say "excuse me?!?!"

    January 10, 2011
  15. Your colleagues and mine both, Bunny.Keep 'em guessin'.

    January 10, 2011
  16. This is so funny, I had to read it out loud to my partner. You've done it again.

    January 10, 2011

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