Thoughts of DOOOOOOM
I feel like I’m surrounded by death. I found a dead chipmunk in my yard a few days ago, so perfect and sweet, but dead. On my walk to school yesterday, I discovered that two massive old oak trees had been cut down in a yard along my route–trees that I loved for the glorious shade they provided during the more scorching days of summer, and their astonishingly beautiful canopies filled with birds and squirrels. Tomorrow’s the two-year anniversary of my father’s death, and I got two e-mails today notifying me that someone I know has died. And I keep thinking, when my baby dies during or shortly after birth, these will seem like omens.
I have a feeling that frequent and extremely vivid thoughts of stillbirth and neonatal death are common at this time. And it’s not like we don’t all know tons of people to whom these things have actually happened. So in addition to revisiting these stories and imaging them happening to me, I consider practical questions like whether I will commit suicide or continue living for my husband. Or if maybe we’ll just kill ourselves together? Decisions, decisions.
I know that there is no reason to think Bun Bun won’t be okay. All signs (including the four or five elbows poking out of my belly right now) point to a healthy fetus, and a c-section is a pretty safe mode of delivery. I also know that there’s no point in becoming hysterically paranoid about the safety of my child, or I’ll pretty much never be able to stop. Maybe this is just one of those manifestations of the anxiety that comes when you are about to step through a door into a new world. But…it’s also hard to believe that something so wonderful as a real live Bun Bun in my arms could actually happen. So feel free to offer me some reassurance.