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DON’T TAKE MY FETUS AWAY!

We’re having our thirty seconds of sun for the day. I’m in the dining room, looking out at our dogwood, which has finally flowered. That tree was one of the things that drew us to this house. It was this week five years ago that we paid it a second visit to confirm that we wanted to make an offer. There was something about it that spoke to us–Mr Bunny loved that it had the same layout as his grandparents’ house in Providence, I loved the sun room with the french doors opening out onto a downward sloping lawn where we could play croquet. And, though this may make you gag, as I walked through it that day I had a vivid image of our children scampering about, running up and down the stairs. That image was one that tormented me quite a few times over the past years, as I imagined us growing old and grey in this house, all alone.

I’m trying hard to visualize what it will be like to come back to this house with my very own child.  Quite possibly this time next week. I just can’t do it. Or more accurately, I can’t make it feel real. All that feels real right now is the bundle of parts squirming around inside me. (By the way, it’s bizarre how there comes a time when the fetus begins to feel very much like a baby–somehow although I never know what’s what, it’s clear that there’s something with arms and legs and a rump in there, very baby shaped!) Bun Bun is so safe in there, and his little movements feel so contented and secure. I don’t want to be separated from him.

Maybe it’s partly knowing that he doesn’t get to decide when to emerge–ready or not, out he comes in a few days. It might make me feel extra protective. Maybe it’s knowing that parenthood is a slow process of separation, that we’ll never be this close again. Maybe it’s actually got more to do with anxiety–I know how to be pregnant at this point, but I don’t know how to be a parent. Maybe I’m afraid to learn.

Mr. Bunny is all athrill with anticipation–soon he’ll be part of a triad instead of watching me be a dyad he can only enjoy from the outside. I know there are wonderful things on the other side of this door we’re about to step through. Still, I’m glad I’ve cleared my schedule so I can spend all my time appreciating the last of this extraordinary, miraculous experience.

17 Comments Post a comment
  1. This is such a sweet post. You're going to be such an amazing parent – I just know it. Enjoy these last moments with Bun Bun inside you…

    May 2, 2011
  2. bunny, that is wonderful and momentous. So glad to hear you are enjoying the last days of pregnancy, because from what I have heard most women are so uncomfortable they are desperate to get on to the next bit – ie, Actual Baby in the house, living with them. Like, as in a FAMILY.(!)

    May 2, 2011
  3. I echo what others said, so glad you are enjoying your pregnancy. I do think there's extra anticipatory anxiety when one has a scheduled due date. So excited for you and that your dream for your home is coming true!

    May 2, 2011
  4. AL #

    so glad you're still enjoying pregnancy and I can't wait for you to bring little bun bun home.

    May 2, 2011
  5. This post just makes me feel a crazy amount of joy for you, Bunny. I love that you're reveling in these last days of pregnancy. What I love the most is that in the days to come you WILL have your dream of a baby bunny in your house realized. It's touchingly perfect. I sometimes wonder if part of my desire to be home with Arlo is sort of a subconcious drive to recapture the intimacy of pregnancy. While I treasure the time the three of spend together, I really love the time when it's just me and Arlo. (Which isn't to say that there aren't exasperating times, natch.) I am so happy for you friend. 🙂

    May 2, 2011
  6. N #

    What a beautiful image, your little ones running around. 3 more days Yeah!!! BTW- Starting yesterday (12days post section) I feel really good, able to get out and about, not much discomfort at all from section. Good luck with yours.

    May 2, 2011
  7. JB #

    I am so thrilled for the huge rush you are about to experience. The first time you lay eyes on that little pile of squirmy arms and legs and rump…you're never gonna be the same. Enjoy this week, for all the awesomeness that it is.

    May 2, 2011
  8. triad? what about ALL OF US? you do realize we're all descending on you when bunbun is — i've said too much!enjoy these last, dyadic days….

    May 2, 2011
  9. I love this post so much. I think you need to print and paste it in your journal. I can't wait to read the sequel in about a week, once you've stepped through the threshold. What a wondrous adventure awaits you and Mr. Bunny. I'm very excited for all of you.

    May 3, 2011
  10. bunny – two more days!!! i hope you're at home resting it up before bun bun makes his/her debut??? i can't wait to hear more and hopefully see pictures :o) xoxo.

    May 3, 2011
  11. cgd #

    wishing you love and luck this week. I am so excited for you to meet your little one and cant wait to hear all about it (and hopefully see a pic??).

    May 3, 2011
  12. There's my girl! Let the poetic sap flow from your fingers! An absolute joy to read.I promise you. Somehow it manages to get better. Your definition of "close" will be redefined over and over again, each one bringing you more tightly woven.This is so exciting. You must be prickling w it!

    May 4, 2011
  13. *sniff, sniff* I'm tearing up over this post. It's so sweet… and the dogwood… and… and…This is just too freaking exciting.

    May 4, 2011
  14. Bunny, your house sounds beautiful and it will soon be filled with Bun Bunny joy. Hurrah! I was actually thinking today that living in the future I will no doubt be late to the congratulatory party; but I am so very happy and excited for you.

    May 4, 2011
  15. ASP #

    Are your bags packed? Tick tock tick tock tick tock! 😉

    May 4, 2011
  16. AL #

    I woke up today thinking: Bunny is having her baby tomorrow! I'm so excited for you and hope you'll be able to give us a brief update tomorrow that all went well and what gender bun bun is. Can't wait to hear!

    May 4, 2011
  17. It's so great that you can revel in what you have right NOW without always thinking to the future. That's a huge downfall of mine. Stop and smell the roses… love it.

    May 4, 2011

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