Hard on a marriage
Five years ago today I was in a Trader Joe’s in Boston, choosing some flowers to decorate my wedding cake. It took me about an hour, dithering over the same three or four limp bouquets, while rabid shoppers elbowed past me. It felt like a massively important decision, but I think my brain was simply overwhelmed by the knowledge that I was getting MARRIED in a few HOURS.
A year ago today I was being inseminated, then musing to you all about how cool it would be to conceive a child on my wedding anniversary. Well, friends, I did. And this morning, we told her the story of how Daddy went to the room to look at some pictures of women who were not mama, and how mama went in an hour later to get her cervix poked.
This focus on Bun Bun on a day that should be about US is a microcosmic version of what’s been going on generally. I feel a million miles away from my husband. In some ways it’s not unlike my wedding day–all the Other Shit is so noisy, I can’t really focus on him at all.
When people repeatedly advised me to make time for the two of us, I didn’t see what the issue was. Mr. Bunny and I are homebodies with a minuscule social circle, so having a baby would change little about the day-to-day. Why would we need to do anything special? But now I see. A baby really IS hard on a marriage.
I’m going to be as honest about this as I can, in case there are others feeling this way, even though I’ll probably get some reactions that make me feel pitied and pathetic.
In some ways I feel closer to my husband than ever before, but much of the time he barely exists for me. I don’t WANT to make time for the two of us. I’d rather be with Bun Bun, or hey, ALONE. If pressed, I’d be willing to make time for him to pick up his fucking socks.
For the first few months, I was so grateful for everything he did, and we had such fun cocooning and enjoying our new life. I loved the way he made me laugh and took care of us. That shit is OVAH. Now I just go about my day hoping he’ll leave me alone until I can hand childcare over to him.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time worrying about this. I think it’s pretty normal, though not necessarily universal. Instead, I decided to take my mind off the whole thing by making blueberry pie.
|It sits out for a few hours to collect itself, so I had to make it early. And I can promise you, it’s going to be a winner.|
I’m just not going to tell him that I’ll be thinking: stick this in yer pie hole, and leave me alone. So yeah. Happy anniversary to us.