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Will I ever be ready to get rid of them?

I have a beautiful wriggling baby, one who’s learning to grasp things and roll over, and who will soon be babbling, and who fills my world with absolute joy, and yet I still take them out occasionally, and look at them, and remember August 31st, 2010.

Black and white so you can tell it’s Oldey Timey Times and don’t think I’ve managed to get pregnant again without sex. Even though that’s how it happened the first time.

It was a day of such intense hope and fear and happiness and love. It fucks me up that there are women who have longed for this sight for years and never seen it. It fucks me up that there are women who have seen it, sometimes again and again, and yet don’t have a child to wrap their arms around. I’ll be thinking of you all today, and especially the women I read who fall into that latter category: CGD, Augusta, Jennifer, Misfit Mrs., May, Egghunt, Andie and Twangy. I would wish you and your partners fortitude, but you obviously already have it. Ditto strength. Um…cake? Wine? Whatever might help today, I wish you that.

16 Comments Post a comment
  1. A year passes so fast, doesn't it? I still have my HPT on my nightstand table – I glance at it every night before going to bed. Some people might think it's gross hanging on to a urine stick, but I think it's fabulous.Love your words about the women for whom a baby hasn't happened yet. Ditto…

    August 31, 2011
  2. JB #

    I've kept mine as well…it's been nearly 2 years and I may never let them go. Urine is so precious to me, you know.And ditto again on the kind words to the mommies-in-waiting…

    August 31, 2011
  3. Oak #

    I agree, its just not fair sometimes that we all don't get our take home baby. I kept my HPT as well although its ending wasn't as lovely as a b&w photo. I used the ones that said "pregnant" or "not pregnant" and I kept the one that said "pregnant" even after I miscarried, I kept the stick to remember. But then apparently it ran out of batteries. And I didn't know that it could do that. And I took it on a trip with me to pee on for my next cycle and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. Um, yeah, I was testing with a used stick. Classy? You betcha. I have now learned to toss them.

    August 31, 2011
  4. i wouldn't ever get rid of mine. I'd make a shadow box with corresponding sonogram pics if you have them.

    August 31, 2011
  5. Ah. Thank you, bunny. Make mine a brandy and ginger, no, no wait – something a bit nicer, now I am not 22. A martini! That's for adults, now.You could make a piece of art with those sticks, I have often thought. It would be full of yearning.

    August 31, 2011
  6. I kept mine, too. I keep asking myself when I'll finally get rid of them, but I can't do it yet.

    August 31, 2011
  7. I still have mine, even the digi ones whose screens no longer reflect the digi result. And I still have my jam-packed sharps container. I did move it from the kitchen counter to my linen closet though. I don't know that I'll ever get rid of them. Even as I have a sweaty, soft 8 month old sleeping on my chest. It's all just too precious, too significant. X to our bloggy peers…

    August 31, 2011
  8. Okay, so now I don't feel weird. Though, the weird thing about me, I guess, is that I hung onto the positives from losses, as well. For a very long time. As if to say: See, it really did happen!I second your wish. It's time, universe. To let the sun shine on all of us.

    August 31, 2011
  9. I've got Smudgie's, along with all 27,000 ultrasounds print outs from this pregnancy, in a ziploc bag on my dresser. I had to put them in a ziploc because of the hurricane–couldn't risk the wind blowing out my windows and destroying the precious pee sticks.I've also still got my positives from the failed pregnancies, but they're in a drawer. It doesn't seem right to get rid of them, since that's all that remains.

    August 31, 2011
  10. Delurking to say how much I love this post. My firt BFP was a digital, and became blank not long after is said "pregnant", but I can never dispose of it. I also have two dollar strore cheapies, that I took the week after the first BFP, and saved those as well. Those little pee sticks represent the best moment of my life!

    August 31, 2011
  11. What a thoughtful call out to everyone still in the fight. I send my best with yours.I threw out Toddlerina's sticks when she turned 2. I figured the pregnancy was a success.The b+w gave me a belly laugh. Old timey.

    September 1, 2011
  12. Cake. Cake would be good right now. Thank you for thinking of all of us. I am so very happy that you have your wonderful Bun Bun. Her literary abilities are quite astounding, you know. And she is so very lucky to have you as her mama. PS. I most certainly do not think you should cut our hair. Evah.

    September 1, 2011
  13. cgd #

    thank you for all the love and support. I get why you keep that stuff. It was a hard earned BFP not to mention a memory of a really, really happy day.

    September 1, 2011
  14. Thanks so much for your steadfast support, dear Bunny. It is HUGE, all the love and support you give us. You are a one of the pillars of our community. I am thankful for you each day. And yes, cake and wine, in no particular order. One day I hope to share a bit of both with you when we meet in person. I love that you kept the pee sticks for posterity.

    September 1, 2011
  15. I kept them too until the end of last year when I was trying to pretend I was over the whole mess. 🙂 I do wish I still had them sometimes to remind myself I did get positives even if they didn't stick.I would totally put them in the baby book. You worked hard for those! !

    September 2, 2011
  16. I still have mine. I'm glad I'm not the only one!

    September 8, 2011

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