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This is NOT how to get laid

I recently checked in with my husband on the topic of our continued abstinence.* We’d had kind of an ugly not-quite-fight-that-would-have-been-a-fight-had-either-of-us-had-the-energy-and-not-been-afraid-of-saying-things-we-didn’t-mean-yet-could-never-take-back…um…moment, so it was time for a state of the union conversation. The sex part went something like this.

Me: Blah blah blah plus I just feel repulsive and deeply unsexy.
Him: Yeah, me too.

Later I realized that I’d been a little hurt when he hadn’t protested and reassured me that I was still the most ravishing beauty he’s ever laid eyes on. I was like, Way to make me feel hot!

And still later I realized that he’d probably been hurt when I failed to reassure him.


*Going on five months now, friends. I sort of can’t believe that. But then I consult my libido, and totally can believe it.

22 Comments Post a comment
  1. cgd #

    ugh, I have the same issues with my husband- our sex life/ drive has gone MIA. Let me know when you stumble on the solution. hoping you guys get back on track soon.

    September 15, 2011
  2. ana #

    I did read a study yesterday that men's testosterone levels dropped significantly in the first few months after becoming a father. It went up a bit by one year, but not quite normal until a couple of years out. Might explain some things. I think we had sex ONCE in the first five months & I honestly just had to grit my teeth and get through it. I'm sure sleep deprivation was a HUGE part of it, plus the breastfeeding and general stress.Good for you for at least TALKING about it. We kind of just avoided the whole topic & were probably both worrying about it in our own heads.

    September 15, 2011
  3. I find that I still have no interest in sex (breastfeeding hormones, must be), but the more sleep I have, the more likely I am to at least consider it. We do manage every couple weeks…but my husband throws hints lots more. I think they probably wish we desired them more, and makes them feel unwanted. If only they understood the changing hormones are totally out of our control!

    September 15, 2011
  4. Oak #

    Wow, we had the same conversation last night. It went like this:Me: We should try to have more sex.Him: Yeah.Me: Any ideas how?Him: Um, not quite yet. How long has this been on your mind.Me: About a year and a half.

    September 15, 2011
  5. Wow yeah I feel ya, I mean my husband and I were never having tons-o-sex but it was fairly regular, like 1-2 times a week. Now twice in 7 freakin months!?! WTF? (or not I should say). No answers yet.

    September 15, 2011
  6. N #

    Same boat. I bring it up about once every 10 days, out of guilt mostly, since I have no interest yet either. Then we look at each other from across the couch and say something. I actually can't remember what we say, then we go back to finishing up whatever show we are watching then go to bed. Someday….

    September 15, 2011
  7. I literally forced myself for the sake of our marriage. It was horrid. I don't recommend it. I stonewall the thought of speaking aloud about it. I think it's pretty normal whatever that is anymore, but I do have a friend who is 9 months out and is back at it 2 times a week! So maybe there is some hope but really, it's horrid!!

    September 15, 2011
  8. Ugh – this sucks. But the good news is we're not alone – apparently this is very common. My hubs and I have had sex twice this pregnancy, actually I think it's twice in 2011… Huh. And considering I bled the last time we had sex, I doubt we'll have sex again before I give birth. And I doubt we will after giving birth for awhile. Cool – twice in 2011. Ugh.

    September 15, 2011
  9. Good times. I'm still scared to poop, so there's no way I'm thinking about sex yet.

    September 15, 2011
  10. I have hope to offer! Encouragement! Good news! It does, despite how it feels right now, come back……. eventually.The bad news? It, erm, kinda sorta took us around, gulp, 2 years. But it did come back (more or less).

    September 15, 2011
  11. we have long periods of nothing in the sex department (yes, by that I mean months) and I always think he'll just leave me at some point because of my lack of interest. What helps me through that when I start worrying too much about it is to think that there are seasons of plenty and seasons of scarcity. It sounds like from the other mamas who posted a comment that it does come back after a while. I hope that's encouraging, even if only a little.

    September 16, 2011
  12. We've been doing it on a weekly basis mostly for my husband's sake but also because I'm clinging to some sort of identity of me as wife rather than mother. I really want to *want* it again, but seven months PP and one month since stopping breastfeeding, my libido is only just beginning to stir.It was definitely always an extra chore though, and there were many times when I wanted to ask him to just sort himself out–never quite had the courage.

    September 16, 2011
  13. are you sure you're not lesbians? not the bed death part; the feeeelings, things are getting better over here. keep hope alive.

    September 16, 2011
  14. I'm embarrassed to even tell you how long it's been, but it's definitey ridiculous ( and corresponds to the length of my gestation plus the age of my child). And we talk about it, but that's about it… I think we are both trying to figure out how we feel. I feel fat, that's for sure, and that isn't helping. If you figure out how to sort this one out, let me know.

    September 16, 2011
  15. See also: Snarling at Your Husband When You Catch Him Staring at Your Exposed Breasts; and Impatiently Shoving His Hand Away When He Places It on Your Midsection; and Closed-Mouth Kissing Him As the Rule Rather Than the Exception. I could fucking care less about having sex. Just the thought of it exhausts and depresses me. Sometimes I care that I don't care, but mostly I don't care that I don't care.

    September 18, 2011
  16. I hope it helps to know that you are far from alone in this. We're still in the mode of fanning the embers over here. I don't have any good advice to offer, except maybe … footrubs? Next best thing!

    September 19, 2011
  17. I wanna take the whole lot of you and hug until your eyes pop out…. clearly, in a non sexual way.Sex is so last year.Law alive, it feels good that there are others out there in the same boat.

    September 19, 2011
  18. Shit. Just keep trying to have a conversation. It's really the only way out. Communication, communication communication. It's so hard because sex is such a marriage-exclusive activity (when you are married-that is) that it can take on all kinds of weight with respect to how healthy the marriage is. But sometimes sex is just more effort than it's worth. It never ever has been a high-priority activity for me, so I'm kind of in the practice of doing it for the sake of the other person. I know you feel disconnected from your hubby, though, and that is distressing. I can only trust that by keeping the lines open, you all will push through the muck. Sex is not marriage. But marriage contains some sex with "some" being always in flux. Those are my words of wisdom.

    September 19, 2011
  19. Oh boy, um, maybe a vibrator? Uh, or some hand/oral jobs or erotica (if you're into that) or somethin? Or indulging in a forbidden fantasy or self-stimulation? I don't know what will light the fire. Neither my husband nor I masturbate or use "marital aids", so maybe we're less tolerant of dry spells… (no judging from me, it's just how things have ended up with us).I agree with Melanie about honest communication. Women feel weird about their post-partum bodies and men don't know what to say. Trying to trade the awkward for funny worked for us. And lube. Also my husband loves my boobs, but they were implicitly not to be fondled during my breastfeeding years. We just didn't do boob stuff for a while. I did tons of internet searches trying to find out what other couples did about that because I felt so weird about it, but could never find any info. We never discussed the boob awkwardness openly, but only got away with the silence because the rest of the sex was going well.You'll get out of the rut, but maybe try to take some itty-bitty steps soon toward the big deed? It can be scary, but I think it's probably healthy to re-initiate it proactively. It's funny how we can feel like awkward teenagers all over again, huh?

    September 20, 2011
  20. Hah! Well, at least when I bring it up, my dear spouse's reaction is generally, "I'd do you! But I'm pretty sure it would just annoy you right now." Which is so true.

    September 21, 2011
  21. AL #

    ugh, i am so not interested in sex for the most part either but the mr. is very interested. We've never been more out of sync. perhaps that's b/c I'm the one that wakes up with the little man every night to let hubs get his precious zzzs.Hope you find your mojo soon.

    September 21, 2011
  22. I've heard this from a lot of other people. But I still think going with how you feel is better than trying to muster up something that's not quite there yet. (It will be there…just think of the hormonal rollercoaster you've been on.)

    September 29, 2011

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