As you know, I am a baby, and have limited mobility. Consequently, I am forced to use a giant robot to get around. You know, like Ripley.
|I’ll fuck you up, Aliens.|
I have two robots. One is a bit softer and smells milky, and the other one is easier to control–I can get it to go for super long walks instead of just the stupid laundry room. But when you get right down to it, robots are pretty much all the same. I HAVE found that there are large differences in the comfort of the harness used to attach me to the robot, though, and I wanted to share my findings with other babies.
I started with the Moby, back when I was a newborn. At first I thought my robot was just inept, but as time went on, I determined that it’s just NOT the harness for me. It’s squashy. I like to look around, and my robot kept trying to tuck my head in, and I’d pull it out, and then it would flop around on my neck, and then my robot would have to hold me in, and it was just…absurd. And when I started talking to other babies, some of them agreed. While it’s funny to watch the robot struggle with the harness like it’s wrestling a boa constrictor, ultimately…not worth the trouble.
I tried the Baby Björn next. But I found that both robots would take me off waaaaay before I was ready. It was almost as though the harness caused them some kind of PAIN. I know, I have a foolish tendency to anthropomorphize…but the robots kept making these weird groaning noises that made them seem almost human. So that one’s out.
Then I found two that work great, the Mei Tai and the Beco Gemini. The Mei Tai works well with my milky robot and I loved it when I couldn’t really control my head. The Gemini works with BOTH my robots, AND I can face forward or backward. (I know–there has been some discussion among babies about whether it’s good for us to face forward, but my physical therapist assures me that any harness where my adorable pudgy knees are level-ish with my plump, delicious little rump is okay when used in moderation.) And later I can go on my robot’s hip or back! Both these harnesses are comfy and taste great, too. The Gemini even has these little dangly things that I can chew on. Mmmmm. Since I got these good harnesses, I’ve been having a lot more fun. I take my robots to the grocery store, and all around the house, and the library and…everywhere!
OH, and I DID try out that rolling cart thing. You know, where the robot pushes you? I hate it. I can’t see shit and when I want to sleep, there’s no warm robot chest to snuggle into. So these are my recommendations, for what they’re worth. Gotta get back to work–I’m trying to program my robot to give me a beer but all I get is a piece of banana.