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Robot harnesses

As you know, I am a baby, and have limited mobility. Consequently, I am forced to use a giant robot to get around. You know, like Ripley.

I’ll fuck you up, Aliens.

I have two robots. One is a bit softer and smells milky, and the other one is easier to control–I can get it to go for super long walks instead of just the stupid laundry room. But when you get right down to it, robots are pretty much all the same. I HAVE found that there are large differences in the comfort of the harness used to attach me to the robot, though, and I wanted to share my findings with other babies.

I started with the Moby, back when I was a newborn. At first I thought my robot was just inept, but as time went on, I determined that it’s just NOT the harness for me. It’s squashy. I like to look around, and my robot kept trying to tuck my head in, and I’d pull it out, and then it would flop around on my neck, and then my robot would have to hold me in, and it was just…absurd. And when I started talking to other babies, some of them agreed. While it’s funny to watch the robot struggle with the harness like it’s wrestling a boa constrictor, ultimately…not worth the trouble.

I tried the Baby Björn next. But I found that both robots would take me off waaaaay before I was ready. It was almost as though the harness caused them some kind of PAIN. I know, I have a foolish tendency to anthropomorphize…but the robots kept making these weird groaning noises that made them seem almost human. So that one’s out.

Then I found two that work great, the Mei Tai and the Beco Gemini. The Mei Tai works well with my milky robot and I loved it when I couldn’t really control my head. The Gemini works with BOTH my robots, AND I can face forward or backward. (I know–there has been some discussion among babies about whether it’s good for us to face forward, but my physical therapist assures me that any harness where my adorable pudgy knees are level-ish with my plump, delicious little rump is okay when used in moderation.) And later I can go on my robot’s hip or back! Both these harnesses are comfy and taste great, too. The Gemini even has these little dangly things that I can chew on. Mmmmm. Since I got these good harnesses, I’ve been having a lot more fun. I take my robots to the grocery store, and all around the house, and the library and…everywhere!

OH, and I DID try out that rolling cart thing. You know, where the robot pushes you? I hate it. I can’t see shit and when I want to sleep, there’s no warm robot chest to snuggle into. So these are my recommendations, for what they’re worth. Gotta get back to work–I’m trying to program my robot to give me a beer but all I get is a piece of banana.

16 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oak #

    Oh Bun-Bun, you are so very wise. I love it when you steal your robot's computer and post for us. You are very cute as well. -Mac

    October 25, 2011
  2. JB #

    I struggled with the Moby, too. It seemed to work well for us sometimes, and then other times not. I still have it for when we become urban legends and get miraculously pregnant on our own…….okay, now that we're past that, I've saved the Moby and the Bjorn (which Jackson is just too mobile to tolerate anymore) for the mythical "next time." Or a garage sale, whichever.The whole baby-wearing thing is trial and error, I think. But it does make drinking a cup of coffee and putting in a load of laundry, well, possible.

    October 25, 2011
  3. Great reviews Bun Bun! So funny…

    October 25, 2011
  4. Thank you, Bun Bun! My folks have been going nuts over those roll-y carts and have had no idea which harness to attach me with. Did your robots get the Gemini with the robot print on it? I've found they can be awfully self-centered. Keep the reviews coming; my peeps are in shopping mode!xoxopumpling

    October 25, 2011
  5. If only you could go back in time Bun Bun and advise my Mommy to get it figured out before she tried to put me in that stickin' moby and bjorn knock off. WTF right? -Bee

    October 25, 2011
  6. ASP #

    Oh, Bun Bun! I have robots too! 😉 Momma Robot uses the Moby, which is much easier on her back than the Bjorn! Daddy Robot uses the Bjorn because he's not as fancy as Momma Robot tying all kinds of cloth all over the place! I like both of them pretty equal though! You sure are getting big and cute! Can you believe we have such weird parents?

    October 26, 2011
  7. Dearest Bun Bun,My milk-scented robot abandonned the Moby around 5-6 months, which is when I developed super-baby strength and repeatedly forcefully flexed myself out of it in Incredible Hulk fashion. I miss the Moby's forward-facing option, because now I use the Ergo, and that bitch makes me face backwards. The milk-scented robot still has not finessed the hip-carry with the Ergo, which is supremely annoying. I cry whenever I have to use the bearded robot because he behaves like I am nuclear bomb strapped to his chest! He is way too delicate and stiff, and it just freaks me out. The Ergo is mighty comfortable and agreeable for the robots, however, and it was such an efficient means of navigating the airport recently. Also, the rolling cart thing? It gets better. My robots did an insane amount of research on carts with robot-facing features, because they are all up in that attachment-roboting shit and think that all I want to do is look at them all day, and I grew very listless and annoyed and Incredibly Hulky in it, until those idiots finally turned my seat around to face the rest of the world. And I much prefer that view. Happy robot taming to you,ArloP.S. Stripes on stripes is also how I roll.

    October 26, 2011
  8. barfingrainbowsandunicorns #

    I so enjoy Bun Bun's posts. 🙂

    October 26, 2011
  9. bun bun, have you updated the drivers on your robots lately? they sound a little buggy.the robots and person in this house totally agree about the beco, by the way. and you will love the back carry — all the world you can see, plus privacy and hair to yank out. plus, if you fall asleep, your robot ends up bending over at the waist to keep your head from flopping, which is super-comfy,

    October 26, 2011
  10. Friends bought us the Gemini (though we have yet to use it successfully). So glad it has Bun Bun's stamp of approval. (Though, stay away from the beer, Bun Bun. That way ruin lies:)

    October 26, 2011
  11. Thank you, Bun Bun. I really enjoy your penchant for anthropomorphizing and your incisive critiques. Keep writing, dear girl.

    October 27, 2011
  12. Bun Bun dearest, so glad to hear that you have control of the robots and are getting out an about. Adorable stripes and all. You have also clearly mastered the art of robot typing. Do write again soon, as your Robot Aunt Andie just loves to hear about all your adventures. xoPS. Your internet aunt Trinity is a crack up.

    October 27, 2011
  13. BunBun, I have changed my mind. It's your book that the world needs! I'm gonna make ya famous!Never mind Milky Robot – TOTAL hasbeen.

    October 27, 2011
  14. "Oh, and you can breast feed while wearing your baby – and keep walking around!"WTFI did have a key find last wk. A member of a baby wearing club. What the heck is that, I cannot wait to find out.Bun Bun, you so lol.

    October 29, 2011
  15. Anonymous #

    Hi, wandered over here from Bionic Mamas and I just laughed out loud so many times while reading this that I had to Thank you. I am not a robot, but your post is rip-roaringly hilarious! You have crafted your post with surgical precision; tears are in my eyes. Thank you again.

    January 29, 2014

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