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Shock, happiness, fear…sorrow?

On December 17th, I discovered that I had accidentally gotten knocked up. Yeah, like some fifteen-year-old or some crack whore. I had no idea how to write about such an unfair and ridiculous event, so I wrote nothing at all.

The experience has been one of very complex emotions, with an awful lot of guilt. Because I didn’t plan it. Because there wasn’t the same hope and anticipation leading up to the discovery, because the little embryo wasn’t cherished with all the love in the world from day one. And perhaps because of that hefty dose of guilt, all along, I’ve been thinking I deserved to miscarry. I’m sure at least one Anonymous is thinking the same thing.

But I’ve also been so happy, as the reality began to sink in, bit by bit.

I am about seven weeks today. Yesterday I started spotting. Today the nausea that’s been constant for the past week is gone, abruptly and completely. I think about undercooked eggs served in a dirty ashtray with a side of cold bacon grease…nothing. Instead of feeling exhausted as I have for the past week, I feel practically sprightly.

I’ve been thinking about the fact that when I called my OB’s office to make an appointment, the scheduler didn’t even congratulate me. It’s like she knew this was just an absurd little interval. Like she knew I didn’t deserve this little life.

40 Comments Post a comment
  1. cgd #

    thinking of you sweetie. Nobody 'deserves' to miscarry, not under any circumstances. please take care of yourself.

    January 6, 2012
  2. you don't deserve something bad to happen. thinking of you.

    January 6, 2012
  3. Fuck that anonymous. Or anyone else who would think that. Of course you don't deserve it (aside from the fact that it doesn't work that way, thank goodness). Spotting happens and nausea can suddenly dissipate even in normal pregnancies and this is what I'm hoping for you, Bunny. And if it should turn out the other way, no emotion or reaction in the world can bring that on. Thinking of you. Hoping.

    January 6, 2012
  4. An old IVF buddy of mine got pregnant by accident a few months postpartum. She found out around the time I got a negative beta for my first IVF cycle for my second child. She felt so guilty that she didn't dare tell me (or anybody else from our particular online circle) about her pregnancy until I was safely graduated from my clinic.When I did find out, I told her that it would have been hard for me to hear her news at the time, but I hated the thought that she had been going through that confusing and frightening time without our support.And that's what it comes down to. You deserve love and support, no matter what it's for. Best wishes for your appointment. My fingers are crossed for you.

    January 6, 2012
  5. I'm so sorry for you. I also miscarried when my oldest was around 1 year old, at around 9 weeks.

    January 6, 2012
  6. Oh, I'm so sorry :(. You deserve all the happiness in the world, and that baby deserves to live. Screw Anonymous. ((Hugs))

    January 6, 2012
  7. JB #

    Well. Not sure exactly what to say, other than I hope your symptoms (or changes therein) don't mean anything at all, and I hope your OB appointment scan shows a thriving little bebe, and I hope once all that happens you can begin to enjoy this wtf-pregnancy. Or, I hope that whatever is best for you and what you want in the end is what you get. Sorry this is all happening this way. These things are supposed to be happy, right?

    January 6, 2012
  8. first of all, no one — SIGH, not even YOU, anonymous — deserves to miscarry. wait, i hate that verb. to lose a — nope, still to guilt-y. to have a miscarriage.second, i am very hopeful that this is just one of those times when spotting is just spotting (i think my first adventure in spotting was at about 7 weeks), and when your nausea is not a doctor, like my boobs weren't. third, if it isn't one of those times, if your nausea is more educated than my boobs, i am so sorry.fourth, that nurse can eat my shorts.much love to you.

    January 6, 2012
  9. My poor dear friend. I wondered why you'd gone quiet. Of COURSE, (as you know with your rational mind), you don't deserve to miscarry but oh, I recognise that horrible maladaptive state of mind so well. It's a cruel way to feel, bunny. I am really sorry.I am hoping so much for you, and am always here.

    January 6, 2012
  10. AL #

    oh bunny, I've been wondering where you've been. No one deserves to miscarry, but I know how our twisted infertile minds manipulate it into that. I hope that you post soon with good news that all is well with bun bun #2. Thinking of you.

    January 6, 2012
  11. N #

    I'm sorry to hear that. I hope it is not true and just a mean joke your body/mind is playing on you.

    January 6, 2012
  12. ana #

    Oh wow. I'll add my wishes & hopes that the OB confirms a healthy bun bun the II and that the nausea is just taking a welcome break. The mixed emotions, the simultaneous joy and fear and hope and guilt…so hard.

    January 6, 2012
  13. Oak #

    To say I understand your feelings on this one is a huge understatement. I've been living these emotions for 19 weeks now. And I am hoping and hoping and hoping so hard that things are okay with this surprise blessing because even though it feels so different from last time, you will come to accept it and even it its not perfection, its still your baby. I'm still struggling to believe that in May we'll be a family of four and each bump or hiccup in our path feels like fate telling me to stick it up my ass. And talking about it, or blogging about it, well, thats even harder. Um, that was just a bunch of gobbledy-gook, sorry.

    January 6, 2012
  14. Sweet bunny,Please repeat after me while looking in the mirror: "I'm good enough and deserving of a normal natural pregnancy" I hope the bleeding is just a minor bump and that this is the beginning of 9 wonderful months.

    January 6, 2012
  15. ASP #

    Sending you lots of love and hoping that this awesome surprise turns out to be exactly that. Thinking of you (and I was totallllly wondering what was going on with you since you hadn't posted in so long…)XXXXXX

    January 6, 2012
  16. Jem #

    Whoa! Hold your horses, Bunny! Where is all this guilt and self-loathing coming from? Why the comparisons to a crack whore? Of course you love this baby. And just because she wasn't loved from BEFORE conception doesn't mean you deserve a miscarriage.I'm calling you on this, girl! Stop this madness! Right now! I'm with nurslouisa. You need to do some serious positive self-talk!Whatever the outcome, you deserve the best!

    January 6, 2012
  17. Oh dear Bunny. I have been thinking about you, hoping the silence was a side-effect of a new flurry of activity or something. I never would have guessed all of this. Crack whores aside, an oops pregnancy around these parts carries with it an emotional complexity that makes the head spin. Underneath all of it, of course, is the desperate hope that you aren't going to be asked to turn the other cheek weeks or even months later. That one stings like a mother fucker. I will be here for you, hoping for the best.

    January 6, 2012
  18. I know how worried you are right now. You really don't know what's going on yet– symptoms come and go (and symptoms can also stay strong even when everything's gone to shit, so symptoms really mean nothing). Feeling guilty is normal in these circumstances, I think.Hoping for the best for all of you.

    January 6, 2012
  19. I submit that the mind is an incredibly strong thing, and that upon seeing spotting, your brain went into hyperdrive and decided to make you "feel better" physically, even if it actually makes you feel worse.I mean, how many times have we convinced ourselves that we WERE pregnant when we weren't?That's what I'm hoping for. And maybe the scheduler was hung-over. Or just got in trouble for talking TOO much on the phone and is now being short with people. Regardless, she is not the Universe. I hope you're feeling shitty in a happy way again asap. (((Hugs))) How soon is your appointment? Please say today.

    January 6, 2012
  20. Wow, what a complicated mix of feelings.For what it's worth, I had a bunch of spotting at about 7 weeks and was not having a miscarriage.Hang in there.

    January 6, 2012
  21. Wow! You got knocked up on my anniversary! Sorry, that probably wasn't the appropriate response. Truly, reading the beginning of your post, I thought: "Omigoodness, that is AMAZING!" I can understand the weird guilty feelings, but fuck it, Bunny. As has been said many times above, NOBODY deserves to miscarry. You would whomp any of us over the head with a soft but firm object for thinking such a thing. So much easier to torture ourselves than to let our dear ones do it, isn't it? No miscarriage for you, please. I hope the spotting passes ASAP (hey, I BLED at 8 weeks!) and that you can go right on growing Bun Bun Bun (obviously the nickname you're going to choose for your next child) to fully baked size, whereupon s/he will be born thriving. Got it? That's the plan. Thinking of you, sending love, and knowing that this is a difficult, tense, emotional time. xoxo

    January 6, 2012
  22. Two of my dear friends had a not-intended-just-then first child several years ago. The husband told me he didn't want to call it an accident: "It's not like I tripped and fell down and oops, my wife is pregnant! It's not an accident, it's a SURPRISE." So that all sounds very surprising.Here's hoping that you've just gotten lucky in the lack-of-nausea department.

    January 6, 2012
  23. I was wondering where you went. I want the reason to stay on the track heading to Siblingville. You have everything I can share coming your way. Can you feel it coming from everybody?Remember, I was a bleeding fool and I have a 5 wk old who made it through. I know losing the nausea is scary. I lost it when I had my miscarriage but I never had it with Baby Jay. I hope my cold reporting of facts sits ok w you. Just trying to help you frame it all until you can get into the office. They say the nausea can come and go.Cant you tell those folks who you are and why you deserve to come into the office today? I guess they think it is all too soon. Ah, Bunny. You are on my mind.

    January 6, 2012
  24. So you were off doing "Sexy Action" then!Thinking of you my friend, Anonymous can grow some balls and come out of hiding if s/he wants to form a completely inaccurate opinion of you. I'm sorry the scheduler at the OB's office didnt treat you with the congratulations you deserve, I hope you get confirmation that all is ok very soon. It pisses me off that they are making you wait a second longer than necessary to give you piece of mind.Hang in there Bunny, and I hope bun bun #2 is doing the same.x

    January 6, 2012
  25. I was all geared up to come on here and make some awesome, well thought out comment that would be just what you needed to hear, but then I realized everyone else has already done a far better job than I could do.Listen to them, they are so, so right!I am hoping that everything is okay. If it was someone else, you'd be telling them that spotting and symptoms coming and going is normal. Try to remember that.((hugs))

    January 6, 2012
  26. I'm hoping hard for you, bunny. You deserve this pregnancy more than practically ANYONE.

    January 6, 2012
  27. I am crossing my fingers very much that all is well with little Surprise. Oh, I am so sorry you'd ever feel guilty or undeserving – we ALL deserve as many lovely babies as we want, and as for not loving the poor thing from a zygote, well, I have a sister who no one even so much as suspected the presence of until she'd been there for FIVE MONTHS and she is totally as loved as the rest of us, if not more so. All an embryo needs is a nice warm squidgy lining. I am crossing my fingers very hard and hoping all is well and the nausea/spotting is just effing with you. And if anyone dares to even THINK you don't deserve a Surprise! baby, I will personally slap them, and I say that as a bitter, twisted and sulky RPL victim.

    January 6, 2012
  28. Hi bunny,I've been following you, off an on, for a while now…before bun bun #1 was even a glimmer. (I'm not THE Anon, btw. I don't have any opinion on day care options). I haven't commented before but I felt moved to so today. I am so happy for you. Many people are extra-fertile in the period after having #1 so this is very normal… I have several friends with surprise #2s shortly after their #1s. It is wonderful that it happened. Regardless of how it goes (I have a very good feeling, but that is just me…) it so wonderful to be "receptive to life" in all its nuances, and to feel life opening up before you! I'm excited for you and proud of you. Lastly, infertility can be so scarring, I know. But as much as humanly possible, I try not to let it take over my mind… It's not a punishment, just a shitty thing…everyone deserves life, health, babies…sometimes it just takes us a while to figure out how to make it happen. So no guilt/self-blame…it's crappy enough to be infertile, no reason to heap all kinds of BS on top of it. All that fair/unfair/deserve/guilt stuff….Show it to the door. xx C

    January 6, 2012
  29. Bunny, I did wonder that something must have happened. I think everyone else has probably said it already – especially dear Twangy – I am so happy for you to hear this wonderful news, but also sorry to hear of the turn of events. As Adele said, it can just as easily mean nothing. Crossing everything for a wonderful appointment and a good outcome. As Twangy said, we are here for you and holding your virtual hand. Thinking of you.

    January 6, 2012
  30. As someone who actually has been trying, I am NOTHING but happy (and now just a little nervous) for you. You deserve everything! I hope this turns into something that you can quickly settle into and feel great about.I'm so damned EXCITED!

    January 6, 2012
  31. I don't have anything to add — just that I'm also happy (and nervous) for you too.

    January 6, 2012
  32. I spotted and outright bled from 6 weeks to 12 weeks and nausea came and went and everything is still fine — it definitely can be nothing. And, I'm really really hoping it is nothing because you deserve for this to work.

    January 7, 2012
  33. I spotted on and off from week 6 I think until week 13. I had a baby at 40w0d (induction, thanksGD). I can't remember now about the nausea and other symptoms, but I remember definitely being sick with fear. And yes, no one deserves to miscarry, that is stupid, Bunny, and this is just hormones and fear speaking, not you. I hope everything is fine and that you get to update us with great news from now on about numero dos. Connecting with a baby inside when you are busy with another outside is not easy, but it will come, don't let fear cloud your judgement.Wishing you the best.Mina

    January 7, 2012
  34. Since this event is in the realm of science fiction, it is no wonder than you are having a hard time coming to grips with the old, not trying pregnancy. I am a firm believer in aliens, unicorns, and surprise BFPs and count you among the gifted. Deserve is a word I want to banish from your thoughts in this moment. For the majority, this is exactly how this starts. Normal is terrifying and beyond your control. I do not like spotting in any form. I will kick the next dalmation as a tribute. I am wishing the mythical bun a warm welcome and inviting it to stay for a good long while.

    January 7, 2012
  35. Bunny! This is absolutely wonderful, but my heart hurts that you are worried. I so hope that the commenters who have shared their stories bring you some peace of mind until you can get to the OB. zen zen zen zen zen. I will hold off on all of the exclamation points and raucous congratulating until you bring us news after that appointment. Much much love sweet friend, xoxoxo.

    January 7, 2012
  36. Hey Bunny….Thinking of you. Hoping for good and wishing for happiness.

    January 7, 2012
  37. Awww, come on now. There is no grand fertility meritocracy, friend. You know this. I can only imagine the insane swirl of emotions this involves for you, especially sharing the news with this particular community. We're here for you, rooting this pregnancy along, collectively hoping for reassuring news, whatever that looks like for you. I'll temper the congrats until then, but I'm keeping you close in my thoughts. Sending love. X

    January 8, 2012
  38. Bunny! As the wise misfit has said,this is how the other half lives, so feel no guilt, please. And you've been around long enough to know in the rational part of your brain that spotting and intermittent nausea are both normal. I hope all is well with this new bun, and please don't disappear like that again.

    January 8, 2012
  39. Oh Bunny. you thought we wouldn't welcome you with open arms because of an unplanned pregnancy? Don't underestimate how much we all adore you, darling. Your guilt is yours to manage, and I suggest telling that bitch to go sit in the corner, you have other things to attend to right now. Bunny, let me say that I hope with all my heart that you are doing well and that little bun is also doing well. I send you all my love.

    January 9, 2012
  40. Oh, Bunny, I'm thinking of you. You DO deserve this life. I am so hoping that you and the little one in there are doing well. Hugs.

    January 9, 2012

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