School starts tomorrow, and I’m feeling my usual pre-semester jitters. Both my classes are far smaller than usual, which is a good thing, but makes me feel unpopular and weirdly out of things. Plus, one class is made up primarily of students who…how to put it…have not impressed me in other courses. Some of them are clearly floundering with this whole college thing, like the girl who has decided that because she’s gotten too many Ds and Fs, med school is out of her reach. So she’s going to apply to PhD programs. I know I should put aside any preconceptions about these people, but because I’m human, walking into a class filled with students I’d rather never see again…it’s hard to generate a lot of fire in the old teaching belly.
Meanwhile, there’s my baby. Monday will be my day at home with her this semester, and I should be savoring the fuck out of today. She’s in a magical delicious moment of just starting to crawl and just starting to push up to a sitting position and just starting to reach up for things, and it chokes me up because it’s so cool. I’ll plop her on her belly and turn around to find her sitting there, or on her knees pulling something off a shelf… I like to pretend she’s telling me, Hey Mama, I got this. I’m ready for a new phase... The nanny transition week was fine. I feel a little numb about the whole thing, still, and I really don’t like having my baby smell like someone else (fabric softener or perfume or whatever), but I think my biggest source of anxiety was how well Bun Bun did. Do I even matter to her? I sure hope so. So anyway, being with her today and knowing I won’t be tomorrow…hard, weird, hard, distracting.
Then there’s my uterus and its mysterious contents. I don’t mind waiting a few more days to find out what’s in there, my fear is that I won’t actually know on Friday. I have no sense of what goes on at a normal first OB appointment. Will they give me an ultrasound? SURELY they will give me an ultrasound. Surely they won’t just take some blood and weigh me. Surely? I miss the days of the medical community treating me like a miracle. I still feel like a miracle.
Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my pretty little head today. I leave you with this totally gratuitous photo of Bun Bun, in her first excursion in her Bun Bunting.
|She’d like you to know that she’s wearing nothing but a diaper under this bunting.|