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OH, MARRIAGE!!!

This morning Mr. Bunny was reading the paper and ostensibly caring for our child. I passed by and pointed out that she had lifted up the rug and was merrily scavenging under it for things to eat. (I mean, not food–I’m talking bits of lint and tiny particles of mystery stuff that are invisible to any eye but a baby’s ohmygod I swear we’re clean.) He retorted that he was supervising, and that according to the Latin roots (super + video), to supervise is to overlook. AH HAHAHAHAHA. It was our mutual fondness for Latin that first brought us together, and a good Latin joke always reminds me why I love him.

And yet, mere hours later, I am refusing to speak to him.

It started yesterday. I’d found us some babysitters so we could spend time together. I hear it’s good for a marriage. When you don’t know anyone, it’s actually rather hard to find babysitters, but I’d managed, and even had them over to play with Bun Bun to make sure they were not psychotic. And then we’d finally gotten around to actually booking one. And we were going out to dinner which I enjoy, and I’d been looking forward to it all week, but somehow the evening got entangled in this awkward thing where it wasn’t clear whether we were going out to dinner or meeting a new friend of Mr. Bunny’s, so no reservation for dinner was made. And despite the fact that we live in a city where it’s never hard to find a table, every restaurant we like was booked, so we had to settle for a place I don’t like, and I was PISSED. I got over it so as not to ruin the whole night, but not before I spent a lot of time yelling at Mr. Bunny in my head. (Things like, you don’t care about our marriage at aaall! Waaaaaahhh!) And I guess there was Festering Resentment. And then today he snapped at me and I became furious, but because I had to make dinner, I transformed the fury into more Festering Resentment, and then during dinner, we had a fight we seem to have now and again about food. Briefly, he is less on board with the BLW method of feeding our child because he has concerns about her choking, even though she’s never choked, and when I give her something more challenging to eat, and she gags, he gets really upset, and then so do I, and then we squabble in a very suppressed fashion. And the whole thing makes me feel like an incompetent parent, and it ruins dinner, which is often something it took me actual time to make and that I was looking forward to enjoying as a family.

Being angry at your spouse, particularly when he’s a very good spouse, is so damn boring. But I feel like that’s one of two modes for me these days. The other being, like I said last time, totally non-present.

A few months ago we had some mildly rough patches. Just grumpy and tense. And then things got better, and I’d started to feel like we were almost our old selves, and then…I got pregnant. And now I don’t have any energy to put into our marriage. And particularly not when my efforts to make sure we stay solid go like they did last night.

19 Comments Post a comment
  1. I shout at my husband in my head too. And then I have to remember when I do decide to have it out with him that I can't just do the dialogue from my head… I have to try and figure out what's actually wrong, instead of pinning all the blame on him.One of the changes I bemoaned after having my son was how much more mature my husband and I had to be in our relationship with each other. It's still a work in progress though.Sucks that he's not on board with the baby led weaning. I can understand his concerns, but I'd hate to have to do the puree route. Hope you can work something out.

    January 30, 2012
  2. JB #

    We still struggle sometimes. It's hard to find your footing when your world is turned upside down by a baby and every minute of every day has to be planned around caring for that baby. I can't (yet) imagine what growing a second baby does to that shifting dynamic. My honest, non-funny suggestion (for once)? Get into couples counseling, even if it's only 1-2 sessions to get some suggestions for communication. Confession: KB and I have not actually done this, but have talked about it and come very close to making an appointment. I think if we get knocked up again, in anticipation of even more stress, we likely will. We have lots of friends with kids who have gone to marriage counseling off and on to have a referee for their communication.

    January 30, 2012
  3. I am in the same boat as you without a sitter, but some close co-workers offered for an OVERNIGHT this weekend and my Mr. Bee thought he didn't see the need to actually book the place so we didn't go anywhere. We haven't had more than an hour to ourselves since the first week in August 2011. It's so difficult to find the extra time to put into the marriage but so important. Is that as stupid as saying to someone "sleep when the baby sleeps" in a comment? Probably so but I mean well by sharing.

    January 30, 2012
  4. i freaking love your blog. please keep writing your honesty and your writing are refreshing.

    January 30, 2012
  5. I am thinking of you Bunny. (yes, that is the sum total of what I ended up with having no helpful advice or relevant experience and not wanting to sound stupid). Am sure you and Mr B will work it out.

    January 30, 2012
  6. I too shout at my husband in my head. It works for us both. 🙂 And just so that you know, you are not alone. I think this happens to almost every normal couple who goes through this. Stupid ped that got stupid ideas in his head! Blw is great, gagging reflex is healthy, as long as you are supervising her, BunBun is just fine! If he wants to spoon feed her, let him, and you do your own thing, and compare results. But he has to take care of everything, steaming, pureeing, feeding, storing, washing, wiping, blahdiblah. Please, find another ped. One who is in line with your views on parenting. And then he will come around as well. I hope.

    January 30, 2012
  7. JB #

    Agreed with Mina! I forgot to say that we were advised by Professionals(TM)! that the gag reflex is normal and that letting Jackson play with a spoon and whatever food we give him, including him shoving it too far into his mouth and gagging himself, is not only fine but teaches him how to eat (and with utensils, eventually) on his own. Drop a knowledge bomb on Mr. Bunny for that one.

    January 30, 2012
  8. ana #

    Again, I was at this exact place last year. Since it is unlikely we are the same person, I'd blame life circumstances & hormones for all of it. Things improved for a while when #2 was sleeping, and I had energy for another person, but are back to square 1 again now that I'm exhausted. I think its just really really hard to prioritize ANOTHER person when you've got BunBun and the new oven-bun (forgot what you decided to call him/her!) taking all your energy; and to really make a relationship work, you gotta put a whole lot of energy into compromising/forgiving/reaching out and all that stuff. I admit I've been opting for just checking out because its easier and less energy-consuming (though probably less healthy) than being angry or resentful. [just realized I've used the word "energy" too much, but I can't think of an appropriate simile]

    January 30, 2012
  9. Sigh. We are in a similar place, although I don't have the 1T excuse of hormones and exhaustion. The other day while commuting to work I did the numbers in my head to see if I could swing being a single mom, b/c my DH was bugging the living shit out of me. Turns out I can't so I have to just figure out how to make it work. What's more annoying – he thinks everything is fine. My advice? just try to overcommunicate at low volume without gritted teeth. It's those last parts that I find challenging, but apparently they help.

    January 30, 2012
  10. Ugh….husbands can be so annoying. Especially when they question your parenting abilities. Hello?! I'm the one spending every waking second with this child when I'm not at work! And the not making reservations, that would burn my ass big time WTF?!! Plus you got the stress of them lovely T1 whoremones—-get it? Ha ha! I don't have any real advice just wanted to let you know you are 100% right and kick ass as usual.

    January 30, 2012
  11. My dear spouse asked me six times yesterday if I was mad at him. The answer was: yes, but I'm trying to decide if it's reasonable so I shall go sulk in a corner. Also he criticized one of my parenting techniques and I immediately got all "I'M THE PRIMARY CAREGIVER HERE" which is totally unfair.I keep telling people that as long as the baby's making choking NOISES, he or she is not actually choking! Seriously. It's not like Bun Bun's throwing up. (Which Bug did every single time we gave him something new. HMORK HMORK spew.)

    January 30, 2012
  12. JB #

    OMG we had the throwing up thing, too. Jackson would be fine, chew, chew, then SPEW. Chew, chew, SPEW. Exorcist style, like a fountain into his bib trough (thank you, Baby Bjorn bibs with troughs, aka spew catchers). He didn't even pause to consider what he had done, just kept shoveling food into his mouth. It's part of their learning process and some kids have a stronger gag reflex than others.

    January 30, 2012
  13. Jem #

    I just yelled at Mr. Jem in my head. I'm home sick and he left the kitchen in a big greasy mess after making hamburgers for dinner last night – In order to even make myself (and my un-born baby) breakfast I had to clean up the kitchen, coughing and hacking and cursing the whole time. He won't be home until late. I hope to be in a better place to tell him what I need.

    January 30, 2012
  14. It must be in the water because I have been yelling at my husband in my heasd since yesterday. They (men) can be so freaking clueless that it makes me want to scream. I have made my feelings known to him in a very clear way. There is no confusion about what I expect and still he just does what he wants. I have moved on from yelling at him to plotting my revenge so at least things are progressing! I agree with the couples counseling. The pressure that you must be feeling has to make things difficult right now.

    January 30, 2012
  15. I think the yelling in your head technique is a great one. I mean, I do it all the time. I still haven't figured out how to deal with those parenting spats but my recent approach has been to let a lot more fly. I just let G do things his way and even if I know he is WRONG. "As long as it's not life threatening" is my new motto. I used to lose it quite a bit more. Considering your current circumstances and all the stress they create, I'd say you are doing great (no violence, right?). Don't give up on those evenings together. I say switch it up next time – Mr Bunny finds babysitter and you make reservations.slowmamma

    January 30, 2012
  16. I am certain that the stress of parenthood will drive my relationship to become a sideshow dagger throwing event. I have no advice other that attempting to keep things civil (aka no sharp stuff, or slamming). I will say that I would be highly annoyed at having dinner thwarted with substandard options, too. Yell in your head. It's healthy. I swear.

    January 31, 2012
  17. there is the Festering Resentment, which is bad enough, and then the catastrophic thoughts we have about the Festering Resentment (this is killing my marriage. he doesn't care about me and my needs. I will never be happy. Waaaaahhhhh). Wishing for smoother days in the Bunny household, with a complete dearth of reasons for screaming in your head.

    February 1, 2012
  18. I read this on the tram going to work the other day and since then have been saying: OH MARRIAGE. OH MARRIAGE. And nodding, and rolling eyes. I wish someone had told me that it would be like this. Like 24 hour aversion therapy with MOMENTS OF GREAT JOY interspersed. It's so All The Time! ALL THE TIME.I EMPATHISE, is the point I am getting to eventually. Heaven knows, it's hard enough even without the small people. (Just had startling revelation that I will/might have to deal with that too. Think I will just repress that thought for the moment. Brain melting.)

    February 1, 2012
  19. argh. i dunno what you should do about mr. bunny. i supervise in a similar way, so he has my sympathy there, but gagging isn't choking, and i know how very close sugar has come to being a head shorter when she suggests that something i do or allow the baby to do is dangerous. press that button at your own, considerable risk, am i right?i do know, however, that you have to have to have to find a new doc before the advent of (bunbun)2. you hate this guy (for solid reasons), and that's no kind of relationship to force yourself to deal with, unless there's terrific sex involved. surely whatever hamlet you grace has more than one ped?

    February 1, 2012

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