This morning Mr. Bunny was reading the paper and ostensibly caring for our child. I passed by and pointed out that she had lifted up the rug and was merrily scavenging under it for things to eat. (I mean, not food–I’m talking bits of lint and tiny particles of mystery stuff that are invisible to any eye but a baby’s ohmygod I swear we’re clean.) He retorted that he was supervising, and that according to the Latin roots (super + video), to supervise is to overlook. AH HAHAHAHAHA. It was our mutual fondness for Latin that first brought us together, and a good Latin joke always reminds me why I love him.
And yet, mere hours later, I am refusing to speak to him.
It started yesterday. I’d found us some babysitters so we could spend time together. I hear it’s good for a marriage. When you don’t know anyone, it’s actually rather hard to find babysitters, but I’d managed, and even had them over to play with Bun Bun to make sure they were not psychotic. And then we’d finally gotten around to actually booking one. And we were going out to dinner which I enjoy, and I’d been looking forward to it all week, but somehow the evening got entangled in this awkward thing where it wasn’t clear whether we were going out to dinner or meeting a new friend of Mr. Bunny’s, so no reservation for dinner was made. And despite the fact that we live in a city where it’s never hard to find a table, every restaurant we like was booked, so we had to settle for a place I don’t like, and I was PISSED. I got over it so as not to ruin the whole night, but not before I spent a lot of time yelling at Mr. Bunny in my head. (Things like, you don’t care about our marriage at aaall! Waaaaaahhh!) And I guess there was Festering Resentment. And then today he snapped at me and I became furious, but because I had to make dinner, I transformed the fury into more Festering Resentment, and then during dinner, we had a fight we seem to have now and again about food. Briefly, he is less on board with the BLW method of feeding our child because he has concerns about her choking, even though she’s never choked, and when I give her something more challenging to eat, and she gags, he gets really upset, and then so do I, and then we squabble in a very suppressed fashion. And the whole thing makes me feel like an incompetent parent, and it ruins dinner, which is often something it took me actual time to make and that I was looking forward to enjoying as a family.
Being angry at your spouse, particularly when he’s a very good spouse, is so damn boring. But I feel like that’s one of two modes for me these days. The other being, like I said last time, totally non-present.
A few months ago we had some mildly rough patches. Just grumpy and tense. And then things got better, and I’d started to feel like we were almost our old selves, and then…I got pregnant. And now I don’t have any energy to put into our marriage. And particularly not when my efforts to make sure we stay solid go like they did last night.