The anatomy of a Bunlet
As of today’s 19w anatomy scan, my fetus appears to be in working order.
I haven’t written much about this pregnancy. It’s partly for the reasons that came up in the PAIL discussions: As much as I try to write whatever I want and let ya’ll look after ya’ll’s own interests, it can be impossible to write about my perfect life when I’ve just read about someone’s unsuccessful IVF cycle, or someone’s delayed donor cycle, or someone’s latest miscarriage, or someone’s feelings of abject hopelessness in the face of all she’s been through and all she’s still got to go through. And, both wonderfully and horribly, many of the women I started reading when I first landed here in blogland have succeeded in becoming parents, and are now wrestling with wanting yet MORE babies. Because babies are wonderful. I should know–I have them aaaaaaaall.
So that’s part of it. The other reason is that, well, it’s considerably less novel this time. I’m not constantly scared. It’s not a desperate every day Will Today Be the Closest I Ever Get to Parenthood? thrill ride. I suppose I should still be terrified, but having one totally uneventful, easy pregnancy is a powerful force for complacency. And along with the absence of angst and fear, there’s also a whole lot less…I mean, I feel like shit for saying this, but it’s true…joy and excitement. With Bun Bun, I’d talk to her every single day (usually in the shower), and I never for a moment forgot that I was pregnant, and I was so in love with her from day one. But with poor Bunlet…most days I can’t find a moment to commune with this lonesome, neglected fetus. Shower time now includes a baby shrieking and trying to rip open the shower curtain. (Uh, it’s not the one in my uterus, in case that was confusing.)
And I think it’s also that, this time, I’m not being completely transformed. I’m already a mother. My identify and my universe are not shifting radically. I mean, I know I’ll change in wonderful new ways and I’ll learn the magical lesson that your heart can expand to enfold another being as perfect and wonderful as the first… but there’s nothing quite like losing your having a baby virginity, I guess. I can’t expect it to be as special and perfect as my first time, and it doesn’t mean I’m not going to be a good mother to this child.
I suppose none of it matters. When Bunlet arrives, I’ll forget I ever worried about this shit. I still feel bad about it NOW, though.