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The anatomy of a Bunlet

As of today’s 19w anatomy scan, my fetus appears to be in working order.

I haven’t written much about this pregnancy. It’s partly for the reasons that came up in the PAIL discussions: As much as I try to write whatever I want and let ya’ll look after ya’ll’s own interests, it can be impossible to write about my perfect life when I’ve just read about someone’s unsuccessful IVF cycle, or someone’s delayed donor cycle, or someone’s latest miscarriage, or someone’s feelings of abject hopelessness in the face of all she’s been through and all she’s still got to go through. And, both wonderfully and horribly, many of the women I started reading when I first landed here in blogland have succeeded in becoming parents, and are now wrestling with wanting yet MORE babies. Because babies are wonderful. I should know–I have them aaaaaaaall.

So that’s part of it. The other reason is that, well, it’s considerably less novel this time. I’m not constantly scared. It’s not a desperate every day Will Today Be the Closest I Ever Get to Parenthood? thrill ride. I suppose I should still be terrified, but having one totally uneventful, easy pregnancy is a powerful force for complacency. And along with the absence of angst and fear, there’s also a whole lot less…I mean, I feel like shit for saying this, but it’s true…joy and excitement. With Bun Bun, I’d talk to her every single day (usually in the shower), and I never for a moment forgot that I was pregnant, and I was so in love with her from day one. But with poor Bunlet…most days I can’t find a moment to commune with this lonesome, neglected fetus. Shower time now includes a baby shrieking and trying to rip open the shower curtain. (Uh, it’s not the one in my uterus, in case that was confusing.)

And I think it’s also that, this time, I’m not being completely transformed. I’m already a mother. My identify and my universe are not shifting radically. I mean, I know I’ll change in wonderful new ways and I’ll learn the magical lesson that your heart can expand to enfold another being as perfect and wonderful as the first… but there’s nothing quite like losing your having a baby virginity, I guess. I can’t expect it to be as special and perfect as my first time, and it doesn’t mean I’m not going to be a good mother to this child.

I suppose none of it matters. When Bunlet arrives, I’ll forget I ever worried about this shit. I still feel bad about it NOW, though.

21 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oak #

    I’m exactly the same way. I think that even more than that, if some of the things that are happening this time around had happened last time I would have been living in the L&D ward and begging them to check again just to make sure everything’s okay. This time I’m all “Oooh, I think I’ve had a contraction for like 4 minutes straight, that’s odd.” Its terrible but I don’t worry because well, I KNOW what labor feels like now so I don’t see the point. And then I feel a little guilty but mostly…I just feel relieved.

    March 30, 2012
  2. Jen #

    Word. Some days I forget for long stretches of time that I’m pregnant again AT ALL. And then a little wave of nausea smacks me in the face, or I have to pee AGAIN, or I suddenly need to sit lest I get the vapors, and I remember. But those moments aren’t magical, they’re mostly annoying.

    Also, this baby will be getting the smallest bedroom, lots of hand-me-downs from Jackson (clothes, bottles, potty chairs, everything you can eat or shit in!), and one of the runner-up names we picked before, but I feel pretty confident will be loved just as much. Plus, s/he will have Jackson’s love as well, which is a huge bonus. That kid can hug.

    March 30, 2012
  3. When they handed me Tater, my first thought was “Gosh, but he smells funny.” It definitely took a couple weeks before I was really excited about having another tiny, needy human to care for.

    March 30, 2012
  4. I knew you were sensoring yourself and was wondering how bunlet was going. So absolutely wonderful that the anatomy scan went well. I’m assuming you’re keeping the sex under wraps for now? Anyway, congratulations on passing this milestone Bunny, I think it’s perfectly fine that you feel differently about this pregnancy than the first and I dont think you should feel guilty about that AT ALL. In fact I’m sure bunlet is snuggled in his/her cosy placenta blanket looking out and marvelling at how brilliant his/her mum (mom) is for being able to juggle so many balls at once and still remain the coolest lady in the land.

    xx

    March 30, 2012
  5. For what it’s worth, yours is just about the only blog that continued reading after the BFP and subsequent Bun Bun (I am still very much in the trenches). I’ve always felt you’ve been very sensitive in how you’ve approached your pregnancies in your blog and, the bottom line, you are an awesome writer! Best wishes for the new Bunlet….everything will even out eventually! 🙂

    March 31, 2012
  6. S #

    I just came home from my second D&C after my third miscarriage. I love reading your blog, only wish you’d post stuff morw often. You’re pretty hilarious, and I’m pretty excited for you about Bunlet. No resentment on my side, this is jist really a wonderful thing that’s happening to you, especially after facing difficulties some time in the past. I do have to admit I resent most of my pregnant friends a little. But I’m always excited for my blog friends and favorites. It gives me hope that good things can happen even after a lot of shit happens. Keep up your hilarious dry humor, and keep us all posted. x

    March 31, 2012
  7. The thrill of “all new and mind blowing”-ness is gone alright. And time seems to pass completely different this time. I have no idea what day I am, I have to think about it and count, but at least I am sure I am week 26.
    I feel like an ungrateful cow, not deserving this little miracle. I only talk to Numérobis when he reminds me he’s there, squirming and kicking. Which hardly makes me mother of the year material. But what is one more thing piling up on the shit that already makes me feel a failure, right?
    All this to say – hell I hear ya…

    March 31, 2012
  8. I still feel guilty that I don’t get as excited over what my daughter’s doing as I did when my son was doing it. I think part of it is that you have been there done that, but part of it is also that you’re so much busier, so much more tired, that it’s just hard to feel the enthusiasm… or stop to savour the moment.

    I’ve got used to it, but I still feel guilty that my daughter is not getting the special appreciation and attention that my son got. Of course, when my son was a baby, I was always nervous of what I was doing wrong or guilty that he didn’t get enough stimulation during the day with just me and him… I certainly don’t have that problem with my daughter! (OK, still worry about doing stuff wrong, but not to the same extent!)

    March 31, 2012
  9. Wow, 19 weeks already! You are moving right along. Like others have said, I LOVE your updates no matter what the topic, and I think one of the worst things about this whole infertility mess (other than the whole no-babies thing, of course) is the way it makes you look back on the sadness no matter how well things are going. And of course this pregnancy feels different — you are in a totally different place, and you can’t feel guilty about giving attention to the baby who is in the room with you and screaming. The one that’s still waiting for his/her chance to do that is getting what s/he needs too!

    March 31, 2012
  10. Misfit Mrs. #

    I wonder often about the state of bunlet and I am thrilled that parts are there and progressing. I also think that there is something to be said for a second experience. First time is like taking a machete to the jungle, an adventure fraught with danger! Coming back on the same path looks boring in comparison, but it’s still on the road and you are a happy traveler even if you don’t lose your shit when you spot the rare snarfle gator that you discovered the last time. It’s easy to feel like spotting the endangered critter should create more excitement, but I don’t feel feel forvone minute that you are slipping into “been there done that.”

    You are still looking upon the final destination with the gravity and joy it deserves. You are simply maybe a little less entertaining for your tourist. And luckily, for bunlet, this is the best adventure ever even if mom is fretting over her performance.

    March 31, 2012
  11. Wow. I am just as surprised by how quickly your pregnancy is moving as I am by mine. 19 weeks with thriving bunlet is fantastic news – and this, I believe, is the wrapping on the 2nd baby package: we get to live things differently. Part of it is being an old vet and the other, maybe bigger part, is the whole fact that you are BUSY!!!!! You know, that first baby plus your real job……

    March 31, 2012
  12. Bunny my wise old Mom told me in her experience (on par with that Dug.gar woman) that the second child was hard for her. She explains the some of the same feelings that you have that stayed with her until a week or so AFTER baby #2 was born. She explains that something just changed when she looked at my brother and fell just as in love with him as she had with my oldest sister. It just took her some time. She also explains that with the next 7 she didn’t go through that again. Maybe you’ll have have to have more babies to see if that is true. I’ll let you do that though! I myself can not imagine caring for or loving someone as much as I love my little Bee, but I also never imagined this kind of love for anyone or anything until I met him. On the flip side I’m glad it’s a non-scary pregnancy. Also, I’m guessing Bun Bun will do a lot of talking to Bunlet once he or she arrives. After all, what are big sisters for? And I’m guessing you’ve got enough will power not to find out if bunlet is a he or she. Wish I did.

    April 1, 2012
  13. Very happy to read that all is well with Bunlet. What a cute sleepy picture of the wee one you included in his/her page. I am glad that you are writing about this, Bunny.

    April 1, 2012
  14. Conceptionally Challenged #

    I’m so glad you get to enjoy this pregnancy. And that bunlet looks just as s/he should, of course.

    April 2, 2012
  15. SRB #

    As the oldest of two, I was always SUPER pissed that my brother ‘had it easier’ because my parents used me as the test case, he was a boy, they loved him more etc. But now that I have my wee bebe, I realize that I was spoiled fucking rotten those first few years. I got straight up solo attention and everything I did was so wonderful and special. Bunlet may not be the novel baby now, but she’ll (assumptions!) be the actual baby of the family soon enough. She will get away with way more shit and there will be balance in the universe once again. It will be disgusting, and Bun Bun will be so pissed. So… it evens out, yes?

    But yeah…relief as the opposite of 24/7 debilitating anxiety can feel a lot like nonchalance bordering on indifference. Like, what is this warmish feeling in my chest and stomach? I don’t recognize this feeling. Better replace it with guilt, fast! Ahhh…crushing guilt! Much better.

    And another thing – please keep telling us about Bunlet! I mean, I was on the verge of emailing you to be all “Yo….how’s your fetus?” How can you expect me to remember to do that?

    April 2, 2012
  16. Oh, hell, you’ve earned a little complacency. Go with it!

    I can’t wait to read about the adventures of Bun Bun and Bunlet. They’ll be as thick as thieves!

    April 2, 2012
  17. Ana #

    Oh how I can relate to this…you just don’t have time for the anxiety nor for the anticipation the second time around. What with a living, breathing, eating, pooping, attention hog of a first child following your every move and all. And, it kinda continues…for the good & bad. The good: I am not obsessing over napping patterns, charting feeds, or fretting about every milestone that comes 2 days too late. The bad: MUCH fewer pictures, and much less direct singing-to and reading-to… But the love & wonder of it all, watching them interact, learn about, and grow to love each other…and the new experience of realizing how—though they both came from you—how very very DIFFERENT and UNIQUE they each are…amazing.

    April 2, 2012
  18. Your new post won’t let me comment and is appearing twice, btw. Below is the comment I was trying to leave on it… 🙂

    F*ing WordPress – I’ve tried 5x to leave my comment. It started out much cooler than this.

    The long and the short of it – fuck the people who judge – the majority will smile and love on your little one.

    Bottles will definitely help – it’s the whole suck and swallow thing that we as adults have perfected doing without even thinking about it during pressure changes. Is that dirty?

    Bring her favorite (fairly quiet) toy, and a snuggly blanket to hopefully promote a nap mid-flight. That being said, Stella was awake about 95% of the time we were on our four flights.

    You can do it!

    April 4, 2012
  19. I think it’s normal. Truly. And thank goodness for the normalcy of it. Imagine! This is what so many women experience with every one of their pregnancies. Unthinkable! I also feel like you do about the transformation. Those two states are such different ones: facing fear/the specter of loss/infertility with one already here vs. facing fear/the specter of loss/infertility with an empty house. I imagine that the first is gut-wrenchingly tough. But I likewise imagine that it is not in the same ballpark as the second. (Or maybe I am kidding myself?)

    However, I did nearly fall off my chair when reading this. 19 weeks?!?! For reals? Like, you’re pretty much halfway there? Yowza:)

    April 4, 2012
  20. 19 weeks?? that can’t be right. time flies when you’re chasing a peri-toddler, i guess, and i expect it’s the same at your house.

    i’m quite relieved it was bunbun with the shower curtain and the screaming. though that is a little Psycho for my particular tastes (which is why i never shower — that and a dislike of having the Bean play in the cat box).

    April 10, 2012
  21. I get it that it feels different. You figure the first go round your whole focus was getting pregnant. That is all any of us wanted and our eye was on the prize. Then we grasped the prize at last and were just so elated and thrilled that each and ever little thing became the biggest deal.
    The second time, first off you are a little distracted dealing with the product of the first prize and second, you’ve been there done that. I don’t think you need to feel guilty. When Bunlet arrives you will find excitement and newness in other things.

    April 11, 2012

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