Plying with speed my partnership of legs*
The Bun Bun, she walks now. It’s awfully sweet. There’s a fair bit of falling and crying, but there’s also a fair bit of walking across large spaces. Toddle toddle toddle, like the wind. So there’s that milestone done and dusted. She also had a pointless one-year checkup wherein we got answers to our most pressing questions: How many pounds of mud is a baby allowed to eat per day? And, how do I explain to my child that while I’m allowed to bite her because she is the juiciest, tenderest morsel on earth, she is no longer allowed to bite me.**
Meanwhile, my carcass is not lying in some Canadian gutter. No. I went to Canada, I did my academic thing, I managed to stay on east coast time, which meant rushing off to bed as soon as the day was over, rather than engaging in that Hey old friend, let’s plan on having dinner tonight, oh look, six more people have decided to join us and now we have to find a table for EIGHT and one of these tedious hangers-on is VEGAN and expects us to give a shit and oh my god can we not talk about where we’re going to go for one more fucking second but just fucking GO there and whaddaya know it’s midnight and I’ve starved to death dance that is such a delightful part of conference going, so that was actually a BIG WIN. And, at the suggestion of my wise internet friends, I ditched out on the last day and got a massage, which was AMAZING, because they had the magic pillow that allows you to lie on your STOMACH. So good. And I missed my baby a lot, but…well, I also enjoyed being aloooooone. It was not unlike when I went back to work. Some of you told me that I might actually start to like having my own independent non-Mama space, and I was like Maybe you HEARTLESS BITCHES feel that way, but NOT ME. But of course….me too.
Since returning home I’ve been in an odd head space. I’ve been impatient and horribly cranky with my husband, and, worse still, he’s starting to get impatient with me. It’s almost like nearly two years of me being a hormonal bitch is too much for him. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, which is ridiculous, since my life is like, as easy as it gets. Yesterday my baby was fractious (clingy, whiny, fragile) and I was so shitty at coping. I even wore the Ma Phones, but they didn’t keep me from feeling like bugs were crawling under my skin. And instead of screaming, I had to comfort the bugs when they fell over for the thousandth time and feed them and watch them rub cream cheese in their freshly washed bug hair. OH MY GOD.
And…this is stupid, but bear with me. I haven’t been able to keep up with the yard work and the yard is full of weeds, and I was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed, so Mr. Bunny decided we should throw some money at the problem. Some guys showed up to weed and mulch and before I knew it, they’d weed whacked all my perennials to the ground. My columbines and my salvia and my lady’s mantle and all the little plants I’ve been nurturing over the past five years, including the lavender I planted over Bun Bun’s umbilical cord stump last year…I was completely overcome with sadness and wept and weeeeept, and since I was alone with Bun Bun while Mr. Bunny was out of town, she got to experience a lot of that. Which made me feel even worse, because she deserves so much better and I’m just such a crap mother with my ETERNALLY FOUL TEMPER. And then I think about the fact that in a few months I’ll have another child…
I think what I’ve got going on here is one part not enough sleep, one part hormones, one part the physical strain of having to carry two babies around a lot of the time, and one part free-floating anxiety about how I’m going to manage when this additional baby is considerably more demanding. With maybe a little inability let go of my need to keep every last thing under control. Which makes for a pretty disgusting cocktail, I tell you what.
*From Houseman’s Fragment of a Greek Tragedy, some top notch classics satire for massive dorks. Zeugma, my friends!
**Luckily there’s a book for that one: Explaining to Your Child that While You’re Allowed to Bite Her Because etc. Very helpful.