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Plying with speed my partnership of legs*

The Bun Bun, she walks now. It’s awfully sweet. There’s a fair bit of falling and crying, but there’s also a fair bit of walking across large spaces. Toddle toddle toddle, like the wind. So there’s that milestone done and dusted. She also had a pointless one-year checkup wherein we got answers to our most pressing questions: How many pounds of mud is a baby allowed to eat per day? And, how do I explain to my child that while I’m allowed to bite her because she is the juiciest, tenderest morsel on earth, she is no longer allowed to bite me.**

Meanwhile, my carcass is not lying in some Canadian gutter. No. I went to Canada, I did my academic thing, I managed to stay on east coast time, which meant rushing off to bed as soon as the day was over, rather than engaging in that Hey old friend, let’s plan on having dinner tonight, oh look, six more people have decided to join us and now we have to find a table for EIGHT and one of these tedious hangers-on is VEGAN and expects us to give a shit and oh my god can we not talk about where we’re going to go for one more fucking second but just fucking GO there and whaddaya know it’s midnight and I’ve starved to death dance that is such a delightful part of conference going, so that was actually a BIG WIN. And, at the suggestion of my wise internet friends, I ditched out on the last day and got a massage, which was AMAZING, because they had the magic pillow that allows you to lie on your STOMACH. So good. And I missed my baby a lot, but…well, I also enjoyed being aloooooone. It was not unlike when I went back to work. Some of you told me that I might actually start to like having my own independent non-Mama space, and I was like Maybe you HEARTLESS BITCHES feel that way, but NOT ME. But of course….me too.

Since returning home I’ve been in an odd head space. I’ve been impatient and horribly cranky with my husband, and, worse still, he’s starting to get impatient with me. It’s almost like nearly two years of me being a hormonal bitch is too much for him. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time, which is ridiculous, since my life is like, as easy as it gets. Yesterday my baby was fractious (clingy, whiny, fragile) and I was so shitty at coping. I even wore the Ma Phones, but they didn’t keep me from feeling like bugs were crawling under my skin. And instead of screaming, I had to comfort the bugs when they fell over for the thousandth time and feed them and watch them rub cream cheese in their freshly washed bug hair. OH MY GOD.

And…this is stupid, but bear with me. I haven’t been able to keep up with the yard work and the yard is full of weeds, and I was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed, so Mr. Bunny decided we should throw some money at the problem. Some guys showed up to weed and mulch and before I knew it, they’d weed whacked all my perennials to the ground. My columbines and my salvia and my lady’s mantle and all the little plants I’ve been nurturing over the past five years, including the lavender I planted over Bun Bun’s umbilical cord stump last year…I was completely overcome with sadness and wept and weeeeept, and since I was alone with Bun Bun while Mr. Bunny was out of town, she got to experience a lot of that. Which made me feel even worse, because she deserves so much better and I’m just such a crap mother with my ETERNALLY FOUL TEMPER. And then I think about the fact that in a few months I’ll have another child…

I think what I’ve got going on here is one part not enough sleep, one part hormones, one part the physical strain of having to carry two babies around a lot of the time, and one part free-floating anxiety about how I’m going to manage when this additional baby is considerably more demanding. With maybe a little inability let go of my need to keep every last thing under control. Which makes for a pretty disgusting cocktail, I tell you what.



*From Houseman’s Fragment of  a Greek Tragedy, some top notch classics satire for massive dorks. Zeugma, my friends!
**Luckily there’s a book for that one: Explaining to Your Child that While You’re Allowed to Bite Her Because etc. Very helpful.

18 Comments Post a comment
  1. SRB #

    Oh, my fucking god. I would cut a bitch who cut my perennials. That is grounds for justifiable homicide, friend. Not a jury in the land would convict you.

    I’m glad to hear from you. Glad to hear how you are doing, even if how you are doing is crappy and agitated.

    June 5, 2012
  2. Oak #

    Your headspace is quite a normal one. I think that you’re not alone and likely in very good company (yes, I consider myself very good company). I’m damn close to ripping the head off of the next asshole that asks me if I’ve had the baby yet. The answer is fucking NO okay. And I’m sick and tired of being assured its going to happen any day. And I’m sick and tired of knowing that once I’m DONE being pregnant, life actually will NOT be easier.

    See? We call all be bitchy together! Its fun!

    June 5, 2012
  3. I agree with the ladies above. Bitch is the new black. And foul temper is the LBD that goes with everything. I have no idea how to care for plants, except that it is hard and you are so entitled to rip off the heads of those tossers who ruined your plants.
    Toddling gets better. And so does the falling. It gets spectacular and adventurous. Your heart may stop and need restarting. And then you move on.
    Biting is a phase. So is hitting. Very annoying phases. But they go away. Sometimes they come back, but go away again. And then you move on.

    June 5, 2012
  4. Although Canada would be honoured by your ongoing presence, I am still very glad you’ve returned home safe and sound. After a good massage. Which sounds like you need again. Maybe you could schedule another one for this week? (but not in Canada)
    What kind of bottom feeding degenerate garden-care company mows down the perennials? Have you given them a piece of your hormonal, exhausted, sleep-deprived mind yet? Want me to go beat them up? Hey, if I can stick a 1.5 inch needle in my own ass, I can go beat up some thugs for you.
    I hope you get some rest soon, Bunny. Can you bring in a cot into your office and sleep with the door closed during the day?

    June 6, 2012
  5. I’m so sorry to hear they ruined your perennials. That would piss me off too. If it makes you feel better to hear this our neighbor went around spraying round up on our green grass that we have nurtured back to health over the past two years. He thought he was doing us a favor. Still not as bad as beautiful flowers.

    The walking Bun Bun…how about that!! I put the bike helmet on Bee when he takes to walking on our concrete areas due to the mentioned falling and crying and I just can’t keep up with him.

    The hormones are crazy. Some days easier than others to deal with, but I get you. I just think about the few short months I had without any pregnancy or breast feeding hormones and I recall wanting to spend time with my husband again, so I’m confident the fog will once again lift on your head space and all will be right in the Bunny world again. Try to remember that caring for two babies and yourself and your relationship no matter how easy life seems is hard work and draining work (unless I’m totally wrong and it isn’t) although a labor of love obviously.

    We have been against television watching since day one, but recently my skin has also crawled a bit and I have found 15 minutes of sesame street provides a bit of relief. Again, that’s the corruptive mama in me based on my own judgement.

    Glad border patrol let you back in!

    June 6, 2012
  6. Conceptionally Challenged #

    I love your honesty, bunny. And your talent of describing how HARD life can be.

    June 6, 2012
  7. Not stupid! Bunny is never stupid. The very idea of some fecking eejit cutting a swathe through your plants.. I am having murderous thoughts.

    I am really sorry for the ARGG factor you are experiencing. I have it too. I really do.

    It’ll get better. Things do. You are the mighty bunny, after all.

    June 6, 2012
  8. The mowing of the perennials would have made me weep. Openly, and for hours (perhaps days). And then get angry and demand a refund or something from the idiots who did something so boneheaded.

    Walking is exciting! And terrifying! And exhausting for mommy and daddy! We taught B to do a little “shake it off” dance whenever he fell, and that seems to have done the trick to stop the crying, but now he climbs and it is terrifying. He stood up halfway up the slide the other day and I nearly choked (and then sat his ass back down). If you can figure out how to get kids not to stand up in the bathtub, let me know, too.

    We had a lot of biting until I realized I had to stop eating B’s fingers and toes. It seems unfair that I can’t still do that, but he wasn’t really able to get the whole “OK for mommy but not OK for B” thing and now it has mostly stopped, unless he is REALLY frustrated.

    Nearly 2 babies is hard work. You are allowed to be bitchy. I’m bitchy all the time too, and I can justify it with no problem.

    June 6, 2012
  9. Jen #

    BunBun Walks! (sung to the melody of “Jesus Walks”). The achievement of locomotion will keep her busy for a while. May even tire her out some days. Enjoy that. The biting? Not so much. We had a shitty biting phase that was mostly directed at me and it thankfully passed. “No teeth!” became a popular command around here (trying not to use the word “bite” which gets used with gentle coercion to eat one more morsel of food).

    And the two baby, hormonal, whatever thing….yeah. I know. From one day to the next I don’t know who the fuck I am. I just keep thinking, this too shall pass.

    June 6, 2012
  10. YAY for BunBun walking! Believe me it will only make your life easier. Assholes like to say ‘oh you shouldn’t be in a hurry for them to walk because once they start you can’t stop them’…..shut it a-holes. The great thing about walking is less carrying. You guessed it. Jack is now becoming fiercely independent and wants to walk everywhere, including out into the street. When I try to pick him up he does the limp noodle act to prevent me from grabbing him. “Oh eff” you might be thinking, but if BunBun does the same, then when baby 2 shows up, you will have much less carrying to do. I hope that is the case for you because GB you need the break.

    June 6, 2012
  11. Ana #

    Nothing to say but ugh. I feel you. The skin crawling…yes….only the alcohol deadens that sensation for me, so pregnancy was rough! And I agree with pjsareconmfy above…good think BunBun is walking now, before you have TWO to carry all the time. I knew a woman who got preggo with TWINS and HAD THEM before her first started walking (delayed & HUGE child), and this woman weighed 80 pounds soaking wet 2 days after delivery…it was sad (but, not really, because, fertile skinny whore and all).

    June 6, 2012
  12. I’m totally with you in the infurating-ness of trying to get a big group to make a plan and actually go somewhere together. And of clueless people cutting down your carefully-planted flowers.

    I found the whole newly-walking kid thing wonderful and frustrating in at least equal measures. The problem with the walking was that it was always either way-too-fast (like when headed into the street), or way…..too…….slow….. (like when you want the kiddo to actually GO somewhere, like the 20 feet from the house to the car and s/he has to inspect every crack/ant/leaf/speck of dust along the way).

    It all sounds exhausting. Be gentle with yourself–you have an awful lot on your plate right now. Can you anything extra to take care of yourself (like the massage mentioned above)?

    June 7, 2012
  13. Oh! The plants! I would kill someone, I really would!

    BunBun sounds adorable what with the toddling and falling and all. You are NOT a bad mother. You are the almighty kickass Bunny. I wish I had some other helpful advice to offer. I am thinking of you, as always.

    Glad to hear that you have returned in one piece from Canada and avoided the whole dinner drama. That made me laugh because oh my, it is so true. Hurrah for heavenly massages and alone time.

    PS. It must be almost end of semester in your part of the world – can we look forward to the annual picture display from your students?

    June 7, 2012
  14. Oh Bunny, I’m sorry you’re feeling so hormonal and cranky lately. I can’t imagine toting Adam around with a fetus kicking my insides. Hang in there – you’re going to be a super mom to 2 in no time – that I am sure of. I would have been pissed if someone came along and cut all my perennials back – so that has nothing to do with hormones… that rage is real!

    Yaaaa to Bun Bun for walking! Adam is so close, he’s taking 4 or 5 steps to me and its awesome – the look on his face when he’s doing it is absolutely fucking awesome – he’s grinning ear to ear! I’m looking forward to the day he decides to break free and take a run for it! Congrats to Bun Bun – such an awesome milestone!

    June 8, 2012
  15. Hormonal bitchfaceness is the god-given right of every mother. It’s why television was invented. (We should get one.)

    I don’t know about those other plants, but the lavender will grow back, won’t it? Won’t it? I’m pretty sure lavender can take a good hacking. I hope so. A-holes.

    And oh my god, that effing ‘Where shall we eat?’ bollocks. Is it just academics that are so terrible at this? We would go for drinks most Fridays with the philosophers (in the days before bebe), and every damn time this bullshit would occur. I would end up just leaving without them. Screw you, vegans.

    June 9, 2012
  16. oh no! i am having massive heartache over your plants! i really am! were they at least only whacked? as in, they will probably be back next year? ach, ach, ach aye. that is so not okay. what kind of a moron can’t tell lavender might be something Intentional? ARGH!

    we are taking a satter-esque approach to mud, ourselves. i’m sure bunbun is able to determine her own limits, etc.

    in conclusion, god, i do love me some zeugma.

    June 9, 2012
  17. I’m glad – and proud of you – about the massage. And I had a good chuckle about your rendition of Academics Abroad, Dinnertime Edition. Yup.

    I think that gardening service should be shot, though. I’d have been equally distraught about it. That’s really terrible – and I hope you made a big stink about it. Fuckers.

    I’m sorry that things have felt out of control recently. I seem to go from moments of feeling like I’ve got everything in order to moments of panic where NOTHING is. And this can only be magnified by thinking of Bunlet’s impending arrival. The sleep thing…that’s huge. I think you should do a pie chart on one’s state of mind in early motherhood. “Psychosis from not having slept’ must surely register at 99%.

    June 11, 2012

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