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On applying antiperspirant to my hindquarters, and other things.

I use antiperspirant. I know, it gives the Baby Jesus Alzheimer’s, but I’m just that kind of monster. I sweat like a pig, you see. Not some freshly scrubbed pink piglet, either. Like a great hairy sow who’s been gently poaching in a puddle of slops all day.* And yeah, I’ve tried that whole use deodorant for a while and your body will adjust. But that is not what happens. No. What happens is that I stink hideously. So anyway, I use antiperspirant. It is a kajillion degrees here. I am pregnant. While it seems I’m not a big gainer of weight, at least some of what I gain appears on my thighs. Their inner portions sweat. Then they rub. Then they chafe. Then they chafe themselves RAW and I am crippled. Halfway through my walk home one day I was reduced to whimpering and begging my husband to pick me up. But then as I was applying antiperspirant to my underarms the following day it occurred to me…maybe this would work on my ass, too.  And it does. HURRAH. I can walk again.

Although…while I’m very pleased with this genius solution**, and I’m very happy to be stuffed full of wiggly fetus, and when people say it must be soooo awful to be pregnant in this heat I say I will never find it awful to be pregnant because I am very grateful and they feel very awkward and say oh and move away quickly, I DO think it’s quite possible that I will die if it does not get cooler soon.


As the proud owner of a PhD in Linguistics (and here you thought my PhD was in Psychology. That too. I know. I’m amazing. That’s why I know everything about everything and you should NEVER, EVER CROSS ME.), I’m not worried that my child utters nary a word. She has all the behaviors of a person on the threshold of entering the wonderful world of language, and she’s already more advanced than a chimpanzee, so I’m mainly enjoying watching her develop. But I do wish she’d say mama. I mean, she does, all the time, but I wish she’d say it with some semantics behind it.

On the other hand, once she does say it then she’ll be able to wail it in heartbreaking contexts, like when I have to leave her and she doesn’t want to be left. So I take it back. I hope she never learns to say mama.


A while back I requested info about transitioning from formula to cow milk. (I did the mixing thing, and that worked well. Thanks!) Now I would like to transition from milk in a bottle to milk in a cup. (Don’t ask why. I have my reasons.) Currently Bun Bun is conditioned to think of water-and-cup as a single entity, and milk-and-bottle as a single entity. I would like to break that association. I’ve tried giving her milk in a cup and she was surprised. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, her little brain said. So while I’ve continued to present it, she won’t drink the milk, and I feel obliged to pour it into a bottle for her. (Because she refuses to eat a lot of nice calcium-y things, like yogurt, cottage cheese, etc., and also refuses a lot of protein-y things, so we’re kinda missing the top of our food pyramid otherwise.) I’m thinking I will just cut her off this weekend. No milk except in a cup. Any other thoughts?



*I know, the idiom is actually about iron, not pigs, but I got carried away by the imagery.

**Turns out they make actual products for this, so I am not really a genius. OH WELL.

27 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh, I hear you on the chafing thighs. Both pregnancies I gained a TON of weight in my thighs. My theory is my legs need to get fatter to hold up the belly.

    You are doubly PhDed? And what an awesome combo. No, you are not to be crossed.

    I am not one to talk about the whole milk-cup transition. My kid went from breastmilk in a breast to Neocate in a bottle (forcibly weaned at 9 mo) to rice milk in a bottle (age 2) to chocolate rice milk in a sippy cup (age 3) and finally now she has refused all rice milk on the grounds that it tastes gross UNLESS it is in a stupid plastic sippy cup. She did this at 7 and now drinks calcium fortified OJ. So really I’m no help. Sorry.

    July 18, 2012
    • Well, I suppose one message is CHILD WILL DO WHAT CHILD WANTS. Which is always good to bear in mind.

      July 18, 2012
  2. SRB #

    Haha! I enjoyed this thoroughly. Sorry you have a sweaty butt.

    We are also struggling to get HGB to eat ANYTHING. It is an epic battle of wills. I’m pretty sure he’s going to get scurvy. So, I have no tips. I’m so helpful!

    July 18, 2012
  3. i’m not stuffed full of wiggly fetus right now and i have the same problem. ahem.

    about the transition – we just cut A off. poor kid. but within 2 days, he was drinking cold (we used to have to warm his milk) milk from a sippy cup. and we’ve never looked back.

    good luck!

    July 18, 2012
    • THANK YOU! It’s so nice to hear at least one person say the draconian approach might work. And please dear universe, let you be stuffed full of wiggly fetus soon.

      July 18, 2012
  4. you know what they say, kids are neophobes. It’s all about exposure, I say. Keep presenting it to her and one day it won’t be new anymore. But what do I know, I don’t have kids.

    You poor chaffed woman. Anti-perspirant on the hindquarters seems like a completely appropriate (read: brilliant) solution to this predicament. It’s been so insanely hot. Hope it cools down a little, for yours and everyone’s sake.

    I really like your reply to those who comment on you being so pregnant in the heat.

    July 18, 2012
  5. From last to first. We have the “milk” bottle vs. water cup issue. I have found that allowing the use of a bendable straw in cup with milk get him maybe 3 or 4 oz. I give in to the bottle at night because he needs the nutrients from his fake milk and doesn’t get them anywhere else although we try. Since the straw in a cup is sort of a novelty he goes with it. Worth a shot maybe but be expected to have a lot of straw playing.

    My Bee pointed at the ravioli on the table and said “ravioli” not once but twice. He never says “mama” although my husband claims when I’m not here he does. I think he’s just trying to make me feel better.

    On a personal level I have to tell you I’ve always been fascinated with linguistics. I even took a few classes in the subject undergrad because it fascinated me so much. So I think that’s cool. The psychology part…actually I was assuming you were a nuclear physicist with excellent expression skills. But NOW it all makes more sense. And no, I won’t cross you again because my tomatoes are dying from the blight. No joke. I suppose it could be drought induced, but still, won’t cross that path. Let me know how you enjoy yours.

    Last but not least…you could try monkey butt. I use this when cycling and it does a good job with the friction and sweat. It may be more or less harmful to jesus baby, but something else you could try that I’ve had good luck with.

    July 18, 2012
    • BWAAA HAAA HAAA! I definitely cursed your tomatoes. Mine are still very immature, but no blight to be seen. Yet.

      RAVIOLI. OMG. Now I want Bun Bun to say ravioli.

      Oh yeah, I’m also a nuclear physicist. Just didn’t want to brag.

      July 18, 2012
  6. Ana #

    Cut her off. worked for us. out of sight, out of mind.

    July 18, 2012
  7. Ana #

    oh also, you can use “glide” (or something like that), runners use it to prevent chafing, I saw it on some fashion blog once when they discussed sundresses and summer thigh chafing.

    July 18, 2012
  8. Sorry about chaffing. Do what you have to do. Always works like this. When you have to do sth, you just do, because there is no other likeable option, and you move on.
    I too worried about G saying mama. Now I worry he uses it too much, as in we have the multipurpose verb ‘mama’=give me/hold me/stand up and hold me/daddy, YOU stand up and hold me, mama is mean and won’t/etc., the adverb ‘mama’=*verb meaning*+now/quickly/NOW/etc, the adjective ‘mama’= ‘mama mama mama’ means ‘pretty mama, give me the remote’ + strokes and eyelash fluttering (such a flirt…), and the list goes on. So, be careful what you wish for. Because next on the acquisition list is NEIN. You might say you don’t use nein, and then I say ‘nor do I’. Nor do they at the crèche. So even with minimal exposure, between three variants of NO, he still picked the nein. I think he must have a dog trainer mindset, he uses the strongest variant, with double consonants, to make sure the message is clear.
    I tried the approach you’re thinking of. I lost. Milk is not drunk in anything else but a bottle, duh. All other recipients are for water only. Thank god yoghurt came to replace milk. For now. So, be prepared for multiple answers, some unexpected. Good luck and may your will, not hers, win this time.

    July 18, 2012
  9. Jen #

    You should probably wear a full-body skin-tight water-repellent nylon bodysuit so that no skin touches any other skin. Maybe an Olympic style suit. Then no skin-on-skin friction. And maximally aerodynamic. Nobel, please!

    Jackson’s words didn’t come until fairly recently. He babbled but nothing discernible came out until a couple of months ago. And “mama” with purpose just appeared one day. And it is, in fact, a double-edged sword. Because now the ubiquitous “no” is embellished with “no, mama” repeated forty eleventy thousandy times. He just learned to say “tomato” and it comes out truncated and accented as “mah-toh.” Some say tomato, some say….But potato is “tay-toh.” My favorite.

    July 19, 2012
  10. Anonymous #

    Glide. I used it when I used to run longer distances. Now I maybe waddle quickly for a bus. But thats not the point. The point is they still make it and it is awesome.

    Bun bun will speak when she is ready. Shes clearly quite the genius baby, but perhaps is waiting until she has something really important to say (such as Ravioli!). But remember, it’s easier to ignore unintelligible babble in the morning than it is to ignore “come out! Mommy! Please out!” at 555am (although I made a decent attempt.)

    We use a sippy cup for water and a straw up for milk. God help us if we swap one to the other — it gets spat out and the cup gets tossed. We area slowly transitioning away from water sippy to water in a straw cup, but it’s a different kind of straw cup, so the expectation isnot that it is milk. Frankly, cups have been a huge pain in the ass, and I gave away many rejected sippies. Fwiw, we use the vital baby cup for milk. And are moving to a small size camelbak for water away from the sippee. (I cannot believed have so much to say on this subject. That is absurd.)

    July 19, 2012
  11. Nicole #

    You could try a straw cup. That is what P has.

    July 19, 2012
  12. ok, before i was kind of making The Funny about falling love with you but holy shit! of course. my Master’s is in Linguistics (with a cog sci focus) – my bachelor’s in Linguistics (with a psychology/cog sci focus). I dropped out of the PhD program because i realized i had no desire at all to pursue a career in academia. Or because i’m just plain not as genius as you, more likely.

    I believe your baby bunny is just about my boys’ age and we just had the “should we be getting them completely off the bottle?” discussion a few nights ago. I have no idea where or how they learned to drink from straw cups, but it turns out to be the only kind of trainer cup they don’t throw with venomous contempt and surprising strength. We initially had the water-cup/milk-bottle dichotomy, too, but when i realized that they actually seemed to enjoy the experience of the straw, i started using it for milk and they seemed ok with that. They still want the bottle purely for the comfort of it, though, and i’m wondering if we may be facing a cold turkey situation. I’ve heard from a few other moms just in the past week that they used that approach and after just a couple of difficult days, the kiddos adjusted.

    By the by, when i say “we” just had a discussion, i mean the husband and i, not the children and i. They also don’t talk yet. They also say “mama” and “dada” with no apparent connection to either parent. They seem to be trying very hard to get to “bow wow” (like the dog) and “car.” Hard to compete with that.

    July 19, 2012
  13. You are very funny. The way you describe the sweatiness, well, I die of laughter.
    I too take a – how to say? not “rude” as some would have it – I prefer “anti-euphemistic, non-hypocritical, factual” approach to such bodily matters.

    Having said that, the chafing made my own hindquarters feel uncomfortable in sympathy, so I am glad a solution has been found.

    Pity you don’t live in these parts. So cool, bunny. Drink on, BunBun.

    July 19, 2012
  14. Misfit Mrs. #

    Do you have a good book to recommend on language acquisition? I toyed with the idea of persuing linguistics degree, but realized I didn’t wanna teach shit, so there you go.

    The deodorant idea is brilliant. Very mcgyver of you as expected. I chafe in hot weather and go compression shorts route, I had them in maternity too. Worked wonders and held in my bits. Wishing you delightfully cool breezes and less sweat.

    July 19, 2012
  15. Trinity #

    Arlo speaks to me in full sentences. Full sentences of NONSENSE. Oh, he says it so sincerely and embellishes with animated gestures and tender facial expressions, but for the FUCKING LIFE OF ME I have no clue what the sweetheart is saying. We have a handful of words and the current most employed is NONONO!, which he frequently screams out in the middle of the night when I attempt to refuse to nurse him.

    Which leads me to the next point.

    I have completely failed at introducing cow’s milk, coconut milk, and/or almond milk. He won’t take any of it. Ever. No way, now how. Total failure. So, no help from me, dude.

    July 20, 2012
    • Well hell, why would he, when he’s got the option of delicious breastmilk. Accept no substitutes! I’ll be interested to see what happens with your nursing relationship as you get progressively more pregnant, which you most definitely will.

      July 20, 2012
  16. Dear Beautiful Woman in a Beautiful Maxi Dress,

    And I thought it was me! I used some bikini schmear on my thigh tops. It sucks but man it is really funny when it happens to someone else.

    Wondering when the truck the notifications of my subscription will work,
    Your friend,

    July 20, 2012
  17. manapan #

    I thought talking would be awesome too. But I dropped the grad school plans when I found out about the infertility so I didn’t have the (Wow. Dual!) PhDs to tell me he’d use it to manipulate me. I tell him bye-bye before I go to work, and he’ll stop what he’s doing to say, “No. Mama! Me bye-bye?”, cling to my leg, and sob. But if I don’t tell him bye-bye, he wears my mom out by demanding to go upstairs and downstairs a million times to look for me. It’s simultaneously adorable and heartbreaking. So now I don’t know whether to hope Bun Bun says Mama soon or not. Either way, good luck with the milk in a cup. That’s how we had to do it too, though he still takes a bottle for sleep.

    I do know that I’m going to get a lot of mileage out of your “antiperspirant ALL the things” idea. I’m fat and it’s 105 degrees out. You rock!

    July 20, 2012
  18. My little nugget is closing in on 18 months and hasn’t said Mama either. He used to say Deedee (for Daddy) and he has a few other spoken words, my favorite: “tsah!” for outside. But no mama. In fact, when I say “where’s nugget?” he points to himself. And if I say, “where’s mama?” he also points to himself.

    My mother and brother both sweat and sweat and sweat. I don’t, but my face gets so red when I work out that people are constantly asking me if I’m ok. Blargh!

    I think we’re in the same general region, so I’m especially glad, for your sake, that things have cooled the eff down!

    July 20, 2012
  19. i’m back. not stalking. my mother-in-law asked me tonight why we were trying to get rid of the bottle and i felt like i didn’t have good enough reasons to offer her, other than “it’s time.” So while doing a little googling into Why do we do this at ~12 months, anyway?, i came across an article with a couple of solid, helpful tips on the gradual wean:

    We’re already doing the decreasing one-at-a-time approach which is a part of the phase-out-the-middle-of-the-day-ones, anyway, but the idea about increasingly watering down the bottle was brilliant. Just thought of you and figured i’d throw some more reading your way 😉

    July 22, 2012
    • Interesting. So far (day four) the cold turkey approach is doing nothing. It seems you can’t condition an animal to produce a different behavior in order to get a reward if the animal doesn’t want the reward, and my little animal doesn’t want the reward enough to drink it out of a fucking sippy cup. I thought for sure that she’d get pissed when denied her pre-bed bottle, but she just pushed the cup away and went to bed as usual. Humph! So while I think the watering down approach could be awesome, my guess is that it only works if the baby wants milk. Currently she treats milk as a mysterious and slightly repulsive, never before encountered substance, so I’m trying to desensitize her through milk play, which sounds horribly kinky. I got her to eat some cheerios with milk on them…

      And yeah, my basic reason is “it’s time”. Our ped hasn’t said anything about it, though The Internet suggests lots of people are told to drop it at 12 mos. But it may not be time in our case. if only she’d just eat other dairy products for fucks sake!

      Anyway, when you figure it all out, let me know.

      July 22, 2012
  20. Maybe someone already said this, but I sense ate coming of a book-laden child shortly, so I can’t read the comments, which I regret bc you do attract good comments ANYWAY, my cockamamie scheme is to give her milk in a bottle with the lid off and see how she likes them apples.

    Meanwhile, you are so right about mama in heartbreaking contexts. Luckily, my kid mostly says “dog.”

    My upper thighs always rub together, but even though I am still (still! dammit!) losing pregnancy weight, it is a hell of a lot better than last summer, when I wasn’t even pregnant anymore and they rubbed together all the way to the damn knees. There’s stuff they sell runners for this that works pretty well, btw, or at least the cheapo version bandaid makes for your feet works kind of okay and so I assume the fancy kind works better.

    July 24, 2012
    • I LIKE IT! I intend to try it. And I very much intend to say how d’you like THEM apples!!!! when I do.

      July 24, 2012

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