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Things not to say when you’re checking the heartrate of someone’s fetus

*Dopple, dopple, dopple*

SIGH. Something’s WRONG.

*dopple, dopple, dopple*

SIGH! …. GROAN! ….It keeps STOPPING! I think it’s DYING!

But no, she was not referring to my fetus. Merely the doppler.

I have just had an intense work week, and I am having a baby in, officially now, FOURTEEN DAYS (God willing. Please don’t come early, Bunlet.) and I have entered that familiar stage of gestation where my husband seems like a massive asshole with his adolescent pouting (GROAN! SIGH! I’m so busy and tiiiiiiiiired! Yes I will do ONE of the many thousands of things I agreed to do months ago, but I sure will make it seem like a herculean effort and do my best to insinuate that you ought to be super grateful.) and my own anxieties and stresses make it feel like he’s all aggrieved and sulky even when he’s NOT, although at least this time I know that he’s an amazing father and will take fantastic care of all of us…except I have to complain some more, and note that when our nanny told him several months ago that she was taking vacation this week, he FORGOT all about it, and never told ME, and while he’s picking up two of the three days, he’s acting as if he’s doing me a favor, when in fact if he’d remembered this was happening, we could have planned for it, and no, I can’t just stay home, because you know why? Because HE’S the one taking two weeks off post Bunlet, and I’M the one about to be totally useless and FUCKING DEPRESSED and spurting milk everywhere and sporting a giant taped together HOLE in my gut, and so yeah, I might need to fucking go to WORK, because I do have a JOB, and it does require SOME planning to leave it to its own devices for months and I think that’s enough for one sentence.

Wow,  I didn’t quite know all THAT was going to come out. Perhaps I will write something more gracious and reasoned…presently.

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. Oh Bunny… I remember all these feelings just before we had Gigantor and now, well now you know how it all feels after having a baby andplusalso add a toddler into the mix too… You and Mr. Bunny are not only going to survive this, you’re going to rock it! I’m very excited to meet little Bunlet in 14 days 🙂

    August 8, 2012
  2. Oh, what an amusing doppler operator you had. And careful. And thoughtful. Ooo, I am just so very amused myself. (*mumble, mumble, MORON, mumble*).

    14 days is soon enough to have everyone in the house freaked out. But you will be fine. And you will be more relaxed the second time. And things will be smoother. And even though it’s a different baby, the needs are the same and you know a whole lot more than the first time.

    Now, breathe in. Exhale. It’s 14 days until you meet your second child and nothing will be the same again. You’ll feel so full of love, you’ll burst. And than a tiny mouth will ferociously clamp on your nipple and bring you back to reality – nursing a baby the first time usually does that. 🙂

    August 8, 2012
  3. SRB #

    *Dopple* The sound that a doppler makes, obviously. As to the all caps re: husband…I FEEL YOU.

    Come oooooonnnnnnnnnnn Bunlet! And by that, I mean stay in there until the scheduled time!

    August 8, 2012
  4. Oh yes, the countdown is on. You appear to be a very reasonable almost done pregnant lady to me! Hang in there!!!

    August 8, 2012
  5. Misfit Mrs. #

    Taped hole in your gut. Word. That trumps anything and everything. Very exited for bunlet to arrive. 14 days will fly. I will also be here for you during the depression bits. Sending sock jokes of the day or pictures of thing I put on the sleeping baby. So close!

    August 8, 2012
  6. Louisa #

    Effin men so freakin useless sometimes! Hang in there glad bunlets ok!

    August 8, 2012
  7. Ha! Funny on all levels. Except maybe the part where your u/s tech uses the word “dying” while doing an u/s. Really? I mean… really?! I’ve been following your blog since before you had bun bun (with a brief hiatus when I was busy being a taped together, depressed, milk spurter after I had my twins) – can’t wait to hear how bunlet adds to the… fun. 😉

    August 8, 2012
  8. no, no; i’m counting on you figuring out away to avoid the FUCKING DEPRESSED part, so that you can report back.

    lord, 14 days!

    August 8, 2012
  9. Jen #

    Husbands are bullshit. That is all.

    August 8, 2012
  10. If you hadn’t wrote exactly this, my day would not be brightened by your awesomeness. I am pretty sure I feel like this about my husband 75% of the time, but I tell people it is less than 50% of the time….because that seems healthier. But in reality most days I wonder if lesbianism would be a good idea….except I still attest that vaginas are scary. 14 days good LAWD that is quickly approaching. Hang in there girl.

    August 8, 2012
  11. sarauckelman #

    Reading this on the train home today, I laughed out loud, read further, and laughed again. *delight*

    It reminded me of when Joel insisted (at 38w6d) that we had to go to IKEA one more time. Normally, I enjoy IKEA a lot. But that was something like the 4th visit in 6 weeks, and I remember grumbling to him that at the rate we were going, our baby was going to be born there. I made a point of sitting in nearly every chair and lying in nearly every bed we passed.

    As for that doppler….I sure hope the technician commented on the health of the machine BEFORE she started making those comments! I probably would’ve strangled someone who did that to me.

    August 8, 2012
  12. 14 days! Wow! That’s so exciting!
    And, um, I’m amazed at your restraint with the ultrasound tech.
    I think you have every right to be pissed about the nanny situation, given that you’re trying to finish up things at work before being gone for months.
    And I’m sure that you guys (all 3 of you!) will do a fabulous job with Bunlet, taped together hole in your gut and all.

    August 8, 2012
  13. epic fail, Mr. Bunny. very pregnant wife = you need to be standing on your head spitting nickels if she asks. Tsk and finger wag.
    Hang on, mama Bunny. Just take it one moment after the other.

    August 9, 2012
  14. cgd #

    sending you much love and luck with the new arrival !!!

    August 9, 2012
  15. Oh. Men. They are completely useless sometimes, no?

    Am so looking forward to the arrival of Bunlet.

    August 9, 2012
  16. Oh my LORD! ‘I think it’s DYING’! For real? Nice one, doc.

    Last night the kid squawked for THREE HOURS past his bedtime and it was like a giant, snot-filled flashing red reminder of that whole depressed milk-spurter stage. Holy hormones, lady, shit is about to get REAL. (I mean, hooray! The miracle of babies!)

    We’ll be thinking of you down here in the bottom corner of the world…

    August 9, 2012
    • I am totally hanging a sign that says “Hooray! The miracle of babies!” where I can see it when I am trying to get a squawking, flailing, newborn to nurse without tearing me apart.

      August 9, 2012
  17. ana #

    Oh so full of awesome. Especially the use of “dopple” as a verb. Sorry to say the FUCKING DEPRESSED & milk-spurting still happen the second time around but…BUT…you know its going to end so its a lot more bearable. (also you’ll have Bun Bun to distract you…that’s the good & the bad part). Oh husbands. They will never cease to come up with new ways to annoy & disappoint.

    August 9, 2012
  18. Oak #

    Some how I missed this post. And somehow you’re having another baby soon. And somehow this post made me laugh even though you’re angry. Or maybe because of it. Who knows. I’m fucking tired.

    August 11, 2012
  19. Oh, FUCKING DEPRESSED. Fuck that. The miracle of yadda yadda yadda, right? I hope you’re doing OK and I can’t believe Bunlet will be here so soon!

    August 13, 2012
  20. GRrrrrrrrr!! Why are males so bad at this sort of thing. I get your frustration, I’d feel the exact same way. Let it all out bunny, your blog bitches are behind you 100%.
    Love lots.

    August 14, 2012
  21. Oh, man. Stupid doctor!! Regarding Mr. Bunny, I say complain away. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong or if the critique is deserved or not, you’re PREGNANT and SUSTAINING LIFE and all that shit. He should bow to you. 😉

    P.S. The doppler reminds me of the Dr. Seuss book, Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can You? It’s the sound of the rain, dibble dibble dibble dop.

    August 14, 2012
  22. I don’t know what it is with husbands. Honestly, I don’t. It’s kind of remarkable. The nanny oversight would have wanted me to flay my husband. (So, kudos to you that you did not).

    As to the ultrasound tech: flaying would be too kind.

    August 15, 2012
  23. They should require completion of sensitivity training when allowing people to use those things.

    And wow…it’s going to happen soon. How are we half way through August?

    August 16, 2012

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