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Horrible bitch phase over, horrible fear phase begun

For Mr. Bunny’s birthday, I gave him two nights in a hotel, complete with appointments for a massage and a dinner reservation with his buddies. I was inspired to do this because, despite my complaints about him, he really is probably in the 85th percentile for helpful husbands. And yeah, when he devolves into a sulky teenager I want to stab him in the face, but that tends to happen when he’s feeling overwhelmed, and me being angry doesn’t help. Anyway, he went and did that, and came back grateful and cheerful, and a side benefit is that I can now pester him to do all the things that need to be done without feeling one bit nagtastic.

I have also come through my own personal feeling overwhelmed phase, and am settled nicely into the frantic nesting phase. (Though, golly, there’s a lot less to do this time!)

This leaves some room in my psyche for The Time of Horrible Dreams and Sudden Fits of Terror. It involves being suddenly certain that Bunlet will die, that there will be something wrong with him or her, that we will both die. Normal healthy fetal wiggles become the frantic thrashings of a fetus with a cord wrapped around its neck. Every twinge is a sign of a coming apocalypse. I remember this from last time. What’s new this time is that I am also having terrifying dreams about Bun Bun. Lots of dreams in which she’s dead. <gruesome>Last night I awoke from a nightmare in which I had killed her. For some dream logic reason I decided that if I gave her just a little tap on the base of the skull, you know, where the brainstem is, I could knock her out, but then as I was carrying her on my back  I realized that her little limp legs meant she was dead. So that was pretty horrible.</gruesome>

I  just tell myself that all this is totally normal. But it’s strange beyond words for such paranoid and deranged thoughts to be normal. I’ll be glad when Bunlet is safely here and I can move on to the constant fear that he or she will die in the middle of the night.


Two random items:

So when Bun Bun and Bunlet published that brilliant paper, little did I know there was existing research on the subject. Who would have guessed that my satire was spot on. Guess I’ve just got my finger on the pulse.

When are these biodegradable diapers going to hit the shelves? Because I will buy the fuck out of them.

18 Comments Post a comment
  1. I looked at these diapers before just going rotten old wastey waste path. I really wanted to cloth diaper, but given that I can barely hold up with warming up frozen food, feeding a baby, and failing miserably at stomach minutes, one more thing to the pile seemed pointless. Adding eco-friendly once I feel I have room.

    That was an awesome gift for your Mr. Bunny. He’s a lucky bunny, indeed. I am whining because I said the Mr. could make a weekend trip to CA for a wedding that we both really ought to attend. Beer, bands, etc. not exactly kid friendly and baby sitting from the MIL is not an option. (Speaking of which, just found out that she cut my niece’s hair without permission while watching her, nice.)

    Days away from baby bun. I am so excited for you. I feel like you are going to be such a master at this business that you’ll hardly break a sweat. Bring on the baby! (Minus all that horrible fear and nightmare bit. That is cruel of your brain to throw at you.)

    August 16, 2012
  2. Jen #

    Mine is getting a trip to Vegas with his friends for nearly a week. Because I am an idiot. This new crib better get assembled the day he returns.

    I keep having hormotional breakdowns about Jackson all.the.time. It doesn’t help that he’s entered a fearless daredevil phase of life that makes my primary job of keeping him alive seem more challenging.

    I welcome the frantic nesting phase. Bring it.

    August 16, 2012
  3. SRB #

    I was out walking with the kid and thought “I wonder if Bunny will post again before Bunlet.” Boom! What will I wish for next?!

    I can relate to those dreams. Even when HGB finally went to sleep in his room and sleepy all night I dreamed I heard him crying, and then felt so guilty for thinking it was “only a dream” that I had to go check on him because obviously he had choked and died.

    Countdown to Bunlet, bitches!

    August 16, 2012
  4. Oh the fear. When does it stop?

    But yeah, here’s to having a baby in the house next week and all the usual anxiety that goes with it.

    Anxiously awaiting Bun Bun’s arrival!

    August 17, 2012
  5. Wow, Mr Bunny totally owes you!
    So sorry to hear about the terrifying dreams. This caring about tiny vulnerable people is scary business. But all signs seem to point to 2 (!) happy, healthy kiddoes in your very near future!

    August 17, 2012
  6. Oak #

    That dream made my ass clench. I can only imagine living it (in your own dream I mean). My ass is going to be hot as shit soon though as I take Mac to the park and he nose dives off everything in sight. This also caused butt clenching. I’m not making sense.

    August 17, 2012
    • What is she saying? I don’t know either.

      August 17, 2012
      • Something about how hot her ass is, I think?

        August 17, 2012
  7. Wow…some scary crazy dreams. I’ve had some too but not to that extent. I just heard a piece on NPR about vivid dreams and how some pregnant ladies suggest that waking from such dreams in the middle of the night actually provides them more restful sleep in whole. I don’t agree, but interesting none-the-less. I’m super curious to know if the new bun will be of male or female variety. I bet not as much as you are of course.

    Rambling…but happy nesting to you! Sort of like the storm before the storm. I decided last time to take apart the refrigerator completely and scrub it all. The freezer hasn’t worked right since then so I don’t recommend it.

    It was nice of you to do that for Mr. Bunny. I am not that kind of nice but admire you for being so.

    August 17, 2012
  8. Bun Bun and Bunlet are following right along their mama’s footsteps. Very impressive contribution to the existing body of literature on the subject of screaming and going on about things. Chapeau!

    And holy cow, woman, this last month of your pregnancy sounds INTENSE. Swinging from the grumps to terror, with a bout of nesting in the midst of it would deplete the most vital human being (of which ilk you seem to be). I hope you have a most peaceful weekend to rest and gather strength. Next week will be a big one.

    Glad Mr. Bunny got some time away to rest as well. What a generous, thoughtful wife he has.

    Thinking of you lots these days, my friend. I trust that all will be well, despite the scary dreams.

    August 17, 2012
  9. Ugh the dreams. I remember those. I just have thoughts now….terrible horrific thoughts. Like Jack sitting in the park next to his auntie. I look behind him and see a man sitting on a bench about 100 feet away, doing nothing suspicious and suddenly this thought of him being a child rapist crossed my mind….I will spare you the details of that one. Anyway, it bothered me so much I had to force everyone to leave the park immediately. Ugh still gives me chills.

    August 17, 2012
  10. I have these crappy not-awake-yet-not-asleep times, when I watch my mind wander and it almost always wanders to catastrophy land. And then I am startled awake and I realise I wasted precious sleep time on being stupid and yeah, the next days I am nice and gentle as a bear sitting on a cactus. Why catastrophy?!? Why not Bermuda, with a cold mojito? Really, WHY, mind, why?!

    You are a saint and Mr. Bunny should worship you.
    Nesting is overrated. But useful.

    Bring on the BunBun! I think Bunx2 is a girl. Just saying, it does not cost a thing. 🙂

    August 17, 2012
  11. Y’know, I had the same fears around the birth of my second child. With my first child, I remember becoming very aware of my own mortality, that I would grow old and die and that he would go on without me. With my second child, I started to panic about them dying, and would imagine horrific disaster movie scenarios where I couldn’t save them or at least not both of them. I had some terrible dreams as well–one was a zombie invasion, which sounds laughable, but at one point, I was screaming as a zombie was tearing into my baby’s cheek. I spent a lot of nights lying awake because I was afraid to go back to sleep.

    Sorry… this is all very discouraging. I’m just surprised to learn that this is something else other mothers have in common. I’ve never mentioned this to anybody before.

    The nesting is much nicer–as is the imminent arrival of Bunlet. Good luck and best wishes!

    August 17, 2012
    • Aaaaiiiiiiiii! Thanks for that very specific nightmare material. And I hadn’t even gone to the “I can only save one of them” place yet. Wow, motherhood is a special thing.

      August 17, 2012
  12. Well done on Mr Bunny’s birthday. I’m sorry to hear of the scary nightmares and terror phase. Living in the future as I do, I can assure you that all will be fine. Looking forward to safe arrival of Bunlet next week.

    August 17, 2012
  13. Intense is RIGHT! And good on you for the epic birthday gift for Mr. B. Pester privileges restored!!

    Sending a boatload of good wishes for another transformative week. I’m so happy for you!

    August 18, 2012
  14. very excited for tomorrow….
    I will be thinking of you all day, and trusting that all will be well.
    Bunlet will be here tomorrow! And Bun Bun will be a big sister. YEAH!

    August 21, 2012
  15. Compostible napppies! I mean, biodegradable diapers! That’s it, woman, you’ve solved my buying-a-house-with-no-washing-line ethical dilemma!

    I have no help to offer about the dreams. At least dreaming implies sleep, right?

    August 22, 2012

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