Lonely, with odd update
When Bun Bun was born, I was filled with an intense desire to have just one friend with a baby the same age. Someone who lived nearby, so I could walk over to her house. We’d talk about babies, and other things, and discover we were kindred spirits and it would be awesome. Over time, the yearning faded a bit, and I did eventually become babyfriends (friendship based on babies, as opposed to a natural meeting of minds) with a couple of women, and even though they don’t live nearby and aren’t all that kindred, it helped fill the void. And then I returned to work.
Well, the yearning is back. I’m so loooooonely. When I’m in charge of both babies, there’s no time for moping: I’m too busy failing to keep my temper and blaming myself for same and crying. But on the other days, there’s a bit of an empty quality to my existence. Bunlet sleeps. What do I do? There’s laundry, and errands, but not an endless supply of household tasks*. I can’t possibly work. I can manage simple tasks, but my brain simply will not support the kind of activity required to do anything intellectual. I’ve made peace with the fact that nothing whatsoever research-wise will be accomplished this semester. I could do slightly more involved but brainless things like sewing and gardening, but Bunlet doesn’t sleep ALL the time, and he’s remarkably sensitive to my attempts to do things like that, and instantly wakes up and squalls.
It’s getting cold and rainy, and the other day I had a whole fantasy about having a friend drop by. We’d sit around while our children played/lay there being inert infantile lumps. We’d chat, drink coffee, maybe bake things, maybe have a stiff drink. Super cozy and nice. We’d both feel better for having vented about all the minor yet stressful crap in our lives and we’d go home to be better mothers, partners, people… I bet she’s out there, too, having the same fantasy. Unfair, isn’t it?
Occasionally mildly interesting people even turn up in the local community baby play thing I visit. But it seems like it takes too long to connect, and just when you feel like you might be ready to ask them out, they stop showing up. And how do you speed things up without appearing creepy (Soooo, want to get together some time?) or like you’re on the autism spectrum (You seem mildly interesting. Want to be my friend?)?
Bunlet will require more maintenance soon, and will become more of a social presence. Just today we had our first truly social interaction, with smiling and cooing. I’ll go back to work. The yearning will fade again.
Odd Update: Last week a woman showed up in my weekly baby group and noted that her husband is also named Bunlet, which was a nice bonding moment, as Bunlet is an unusual name. Today we chatted again, bonding over the fact that we both moved here from Chicago. And then it turned out her husband and I were grad students at the same institution. And then it turned out that we were grad students in the same department. At the same TIME. AND I KNEW HIM! (And when I’d decided to name Bunlet Bunlet, I’d thought of him [the only other person I’ve encountered named Bunlet], and thought, well, that guy was okay, so this is a good name. So I gave her my e-mail address, and she will surely e-mail very soon, and we will hang out a lot, and become the very best of friends, and I will be happy forever.
*Yeah, it may piss you off that I’m essentially bemoaning the fact that I don’t have enough housework. I don’t mean to be an asshole. I don’t have to clean the entire house, and I don’t make dinner until Mr. Bunny comes home. If these were on my plate, doubtless I wouldn’t have time to be lonely.