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Hers, all hers.

Roccie once wrote something that I think I finally understand. I am too lazy to find it, so let me paraphrase: She doesn’t spend a lot of time thinking about the fact that her gorgeous son conceived via an egg donor doesn’t look like her or isn’t biologically related to her, but neither does she spend a lot of time thinking that her gorgeous daughter not conceived via an egg donor IS. (Good luck parsing that ridiculous sentence.) Bun Bun was fairly young when I read it, and I was still constantly marveling over the fact that she was my daughter. Some of the marveling had nothing to do with being her being made from my DNA, like the fact that she used to fit in my uterus. Freaky. How can that BE? But some of it certainly did. I absolutely looked for pieces of myself in her and tripped OUT over the fact that we were RELATED. So I figured that if I didn’t feel the way Roccie felt, well, this was just another datum indicating that Roccie is a better person than I am. Which she is.

But over the past year or so, I’ve discovered that I can’t feel those feelings anymore. It’s like when you’re suffocatingly hot and you can’t summon the physical state of being miserably, freezing cold. I just can’t summon the emotional state.

I think what’s happened is that Bun Bun’s Bunbunness just overshadows everything else now. She’s so obviously her own person that I can’t see past her personhood to my own reflection, at least not the way I used to. Of course I still see her through the lens of my own feelings and beliefs and desires, but it’s different. And I can tell it’s not just that I have changed or grown or am too tired to pull it off, because I CAN and DO feel the feelings for Bunlet. I cuddle him and marvel at his little toes and his gorgeous, fierce, sweet, perfection and trip the fuck out that he’s mine, all mine.

Maybe that’s the key. She’s not mine anymore. She’s HERS.

Bun Bun turned two last week. We had a quiet family birthday, the way I like ’em. And of course I CAN still trip the fuck out that this:

I’d make it oldey timey black and white to make sure no-one thinks I’m pregnant AGAIN, but…it’s already black and white. Bun Bun at 6w6d, the first time I heard that magical shoop shoop shoop!

Became this:

DSC_0137

Her aunt got her a watering can! And a bucket! And some tools! Her mean old parents got her NOTHING AT ALL.

And this:

DSC_0184

Birthday chocolate cream pie. SO GOOD. She’s still walking around saying chocolate cream pie? Also, still eating with no clothes on. Also, looking good in her post-nap hair.

And will become who knows WHAT in the coming years. Something good and strong and happy, I hope.

16 Comments Post a comment
  1. SRB #

    Oh, my heart. Happy birthday, sweet girl. 🙂

    May 14, 2013
  2. Happy birthday, Bun Bun! So sweet to see pictures of her — we don’t see enough pictures. 🙂 She looks quite adept with that fork — though she’s not very far into the pie yet!

    I find myself marvelling at Gwen’s sheer Gwen-ness in part because I know she shares my genes and yet she seems to different from me, doesn’t look like me, doesn’t really act like me (other than stubbornness, but what toddler isn’t stubborn?), doesn’t share my tastes (the girl eats potatoes and has been known to turn down bacon!). Part of it is that soon after she was born, being pregnant turned into something of a mystifying dream, and I have a hard time connecting my memories of that period with the little person I’ve apparently helped create. But it just makes me even more excited to watch her grow up, because I have no idea what to expect!

    May 14, 2013
  3. So so cute! We’ve got 2 coming up in about 10 weeks and OMG how did that happen already? Hopefully Monkey’s second birthday will be the awesome that his first birthday missed. And yes, he is totally a little person now. It freaks me out regularly.

    Also, chocolate cream pie looks AMAZING. Please tell me you made that and are about to share the recipe…

    May 14, 2013
    • Of COURSE I made it. But no, I am far too lazy to type it up, and it’s Cooks Illustrated, a publication that doesn’t allow people access to their recipes via their website. Although… *google google google* Here it is! http://apassionateplate.com/chocolate-cream-pie/
      I tell you, the pudding is SO FUCKING GOOD.

      May 15, 2013
  4. Well Happy Birthday to Bunbun!

    Yeah, I’m not as good a woman as Roccie.

    I think Tiny Boy being male only adds to his Not-Mine-ness. LG is pretty much a carbon copy of my best and worst traits, in a prettier but still obviously my DNA package. She’s mine in a way that he will never be, though he is MINE.

    May 15, 2013
    • Bunlet looks loads more like me, while Bun Bun resembles her father. I’ll be curious to see if this makes a difference…

      May 15, 2013
  5. She is so adorable, nap head and all. 2 years old, unbelievable.

    May 15, 2013
  6. Jen #

    Happy birthday little-big Bun Bun. Let them eat pie.

    May 15, 2013
  7. Ana #

    Happy Happy birthday to Bun Bun! I love your approach to birthdays, I’m sure its part of what keeps your divan so silky, am I right? What a thought provoking post overall, though…I don’t know if it hold true for me—I’m actually starting to see much more of myself come out in the boys as they grow up & develop traits that are less “oh-this-is-what a 9 month old/18 month old/etc…” does and “oh, this is how he is”. I don’t know that it has anything to do with biology, necessarily, and more things that I wonder if I am passing along through my behavior (nurture vs. nature). Still thinking about this…

    May 15, 2013
  8. Happy pie day joyous Bun Bun! Totally going to try this out, but – insert stern reprimanding-type voice – where is that SOUP recipe?? I love that you did nothing for her birthday. My latest example of seeing myself in S (this sounds like there are a whole boatload of these examples, which there are not) is the fact that he says ‘hhmmmm?’ when asked a question to which he doesn’t know the answer or doesn’t know how to respond. I realized that I do this to him occasionally when he asks me something that at first I can’t hear (like through the stroller or something). Oops on that.

    May 15, 2013
  9. the one thing that always worries me is when mothers get invested in seeing their children as an extension of themselves. That’s always bad news for the kid (and the mom). Appreciating that your daughter is fully her own person at 2 is quite beautiful, I think. They are born of us and through us, but they don’t belong to us ultimately.
    I continue to be the self-appointed president of the Bun Bun fan club. OH.MY.GAWD. she is soooo cute eating her birthday chocolate pie.

    May 16, 2013
  10. Happy Birthday Bun Bun!
    The photo series is amazing. I particularly love the post-nap hair — really, who has time for that when there is cake waiting?

    May 16, 2013
  11. Happy Birthday, Bun Bun! What a peach she is. I especially love the nap-hair.

    I’m with you on the ‘their own people’ thing. Maybe the kid being a boy has something to do with it, or maybe it’s because I cannot at all see either The Boy or me in his features (although other people point out the similarities often), but he is definitely his own little self. It’s less ‘oh my lord, I made you!’ now and more ‘oh my lord, you made yourself!’ Both ways, it’s a freaking miracle.

    May 16, 2013
  12. You nailed it much more clearly than I did. It is so hard to put your finger on it. One day, they are not just mobile, but making plans and little schemes and finding their own joy without you needing to point it out. It is awesome but it sure can lead to a little Baby Fever.

    I so get it and it is so heavy and happy and mind shattering, isnt it?

    Happiest birthday BunBunilicious.

    May 17, 2013
  13. I love this post. Love love love. Just… love. What did you say your policy was on plagiarism again? Pro? Anti? Sigh.

    Happy TWO Bun Bun. You are indeed your own little wonderful person.

    (A little plagiarism isn’t frowned upon right? Yah? No? Oh fine then…)

    May 22, 2013
  14. Joy #

    Happy Happy Happy Birthday Bun Bun! The sequence of photos made me tear up and smile….. thanks Bunny.

    May 24, 2013

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