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The perfect pet

Watching our lovely fat son proto-crawl around the other day, Mr. Bunny suggested that a nine month old is really the perfect pet. Our nine month old is as self-entertaining as the average cat: He pretty much spends the day rolling around on his own. But so affectionate! No dog could ever be so sweet. And cats and dogs don’t LAUGH. There is nothing like the laugh of a baby. Nine month olds, man! Everyone should have a few.

I was quick to point out that there are some downsides. I’d either have to nurse our pet nine month old, or give it formula, and formula smells gross, but I’m not prepared to breastfeed for the rest of my life. More difficult is the fact that a nine month old quickly becomes a ten month old. How do we get access to a supply of nine month olds and what do we do about the expired ones? I suggested we become foster parents, but be very clear about the fact that we were only willing to foster cheerful, good-sleepin’ nine month olds. Shouldn’t be a problem. It’s not like our foster care system has any shortage of those.*

Lingering fears:

What if I get attached to our pet nine month old and am not willing to send him or her back at the end of the month?

What if I become one of those crazy old nine month old ladies, with waaaaaaay to many nine month olds, and a house that smells like nine month olds?

At this point Bunlet began to cry, and I scooped him up and promised him that he is not a pet.

*I can imagine that if you’re a foster parent, doing this absolutely amazing thing that I don’t have the courage to do, you might be put out by this. Of course, if you don’t like black humor, you don’t like me.

10 Comments Post a comment
  1. Love this! Hilarious.

    May 17, 2013
  2. They would make lovely pets! I’d extend the window from 6-9 months (but only if not fully mobile). I love then especially right before they’re fully mobile you see, because you can still kind of guess where they will be at any given moment.

    May 17, 2013
  3. I would love nothing more than reek of 9 month old.


    May 17, 2013
  4. And that you’re not going to give him back when he’s 10 months old, just for reassurance, I guess?

    May 18, 2013
  5. i’m going to venture that you just may have one toe over that crazy 9 month old lady line. wonderfully so 😉

    May 18, 2013
  6. Ana #

    Currently I’m loving all the ages that aren’t 3.3. So I’ll take your 10 months old off your hands for you, anytime!

    May 20, 2013
  7. HA! Oh please be one of “those” people with too many nine month olds crawling all over your house. You’ll be knitting little sweaters for them and having mugs made with their faces on them in no time.

    May 22, 2013
  8. Our pet is still getting his sea legs. He gets a bit tipsy from time to time but generally I hear the thud and come running to his rescue. Otherwise he is quite content on pawing and chewing on everything he can get himself within reach of. It is a fabulous time!

    May 22, 2013
  9. Jessie #

    Bunny, don’t you know that children make terrible pets? 😉

    May 26, 2013
  10. This is fabulous. I showed it to my husband, who is skeptical that Cayenne will ever be anything but a newborn, and told him to hold fast for a few more months because we are about to have the loveliest pet….

    June 10, 2013

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