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Return to the therapist’s slightly musty sofa

Where was I. Right! Why did I feel compelled to pay someone to help me get my shit together?*

I stopped seeing my therapist right around the time I started writing this thingie. She’d done what she could for me, and you guys were a lot better for the day to day miseries of my situation. And then I got pregnant, and everything became perfect and wonderful.

I’ve considered going back a few times. When Bunlet was about three months old, I thought about it. I was SO ANGRY, all the time. I knew some of it was just FUCKING DEPRESSED, but it was reeeeeeally hard. I was furious at my husband, furious at Bun Bun, snapping all the time over nothing. I did some things I’m super not proud of. I became a person who throws things. Only when by myself, and only soft things like dish towels. But I worried about it getting out of hand, and it felt so NOT ME. Normally I repress and internalize all my anger.

And I got a bit mean with my toddler. I found myself googling “what counts as child abuse?” For the record, nothing I’ve ever done counts as child abuse. But I was scared. Then things got better. Since I strive for honesty, the cure for my raging temper was not self control, though I did get looooooads better at figuring out which situations were going to push me and how to avoid them. And Bun Bun adjusted to Bunlet, and I adjusted to having a toddler, and to having two babies. But the real cure was going back to work. Yeah. Less time with my children made me a better parent.

So I didn’t go back to the therapist.

Then I did some professional development at work, and the person in charge of me told me to get some fucking help for my self esteem problems. You know, if I thought they  might keep me from achieving my goals. So I went so far as requesting some names and bookmarking a therapist’s website! But I didn’t go back. Because who has the fucking time?

Then shit got pretty tough with my husband. Still all within normal parents of two young children parameters, but not the way I wanted to live. We’d have a fight, and I’d think the air was cleared. But the next day I’d immediately be furious again at the smallest of things. YOU PUT YOUR COFFEE CUP ON THE COUNTER AND NOT IN THE DISHWASHER AM I YOUR FUCKING SLAVE THAT I SHOULD CLEAN UP AFTER YOU I HATE YOU!!!! It went on like this for months, with plenty of breaks for happiness and laughter and enjoying our wonderful children, but so much anger and suppressed squabbling. I hate squabbling. I just went around resenting him all day every day. And the being pissed at my children (well, mainly Bun Bun) for things that were not their fault flared up again.

Finally, after like three back to back fights with Mr. Bunny, I gave up. I called.**

I have a wonderful life and yet I am angry all the time, I explained at our meeting.

And what did she reply? You’ll have to wait to find out.

*See my thoughts on therapy here.

**Very charmingly, he and I met up for a drink that afternoon, and he revealed that he’d contacted a therapist too. Awww.

24 Comments Post a comment
  1. What?! A cliffhanger therapy tale?! How could you!? Yes, working outside the home. Lifesaver. Marriage saver. Parent saver. Speaking just for myself of course. I can’t believe I never thought about throwing dish towels. Brilliant. I personally just like to wait until I get in the car and then scream at no one for half my commute. Maybe *I* should be calling a therapist. Hmph. For now I will just eat a gigantic bowl of Cheerios and go to bed at 8:30. Coping mechanisms at their finest.

    Looking forward to the Part II of this story…

    June 20, 2013
  2. Sigh. We have those conversations, too. Not too often at the moment, fortunately. Hope the therapist had a good answer! And how great that Mr. Bunny agrees on the need to change something.

    June 20, 2013
  3. Oh, Bunny, how fucked up we are… Who would have thought that having everything you ever dreamt could be so motherfuckingHARD? At least we’ve got alcohol, which, as fb friends tell me over and over, is, technically speaking, a solution.

    June 20, 2013
  4. Anonymous #

    And guess where I’m headed this morning?

    Sounds like we are having similar issues, though I don’t have the husband ones.

    Eagerly awaiting Part Deux.

    June 20, 2013
  5. Okay, that was my comment. I don’t know why the blog made me anonymous!

    June 20, 2013
  6. It is so hard, isn’t it? I’ve got no helpful advice, just solidarity. I lean more towards huddle-and-cry rather than rage-and-throw, but I can definitely see the appeal of the latter. I hope you find someone who is helpful and kind. I have no doubt you will find someone who is skilled and qualified — but those are not the only important things.

    June 20, 2013
  7. Ana #

    Similar husband problems with the squabbling and the resentment (yes, what you mentioned on my last post re: spouse’s bad attitude DOES bother the F out of me!). The anger at kids is something G gets—he actually did go to therapy early this year for the same. It helped—and then seems to have worn off. And his anger at kids makes ME angry at him and it continues. I’ve never been to therapy. I’m not opposed to it in any way, but I’d go through the similar “thinking about looking into it” and never actually getting around to it, and then feeling better.
    I’m on the edge of my seat awaiting part deux. The very best part of this whole post was that the husband called too….match made in heaven 🙂

    June 20, 2013
  8. As always, I appreciate your honesty and in fact am planning on using you as an example for how to behave should this type of situation occur with me/us (and I too recall anger issues at times with #1 during the postpartum anxiety stuff, so can only assume this will resurface). Good on you.

    June 20, 2013
  9. Fuck me in the goat ass, I’m angry 24×7 too. I think they need to redefine PPD as “irrational anger at inconsequential things disorder”. At least that would make me feel better – you know – recongition from the medical community can make anyone feel like they’re in good company. Or some shit.

    Super curious if therapy helps. I may need some over here. If I were still blogging each entry would be like this “day 273 – pissy as shit.”

    June 20, 2013
  10. Did my comment about my irrational anger towards inconsequential things get sucked into cyberspace?!? GOD DAMN IT ALL!!!

    June 20, 2013
    • Sorry but the prior comment was a bitch to type with my stupid thumbs. But it was way longer. And funnier. Fuck. Now I’m angry again. And oh, this is Oak. Coming out from under.

      June 20, 2013
      • Hey lady! I was wondering who I got to fuck in the goat ass!

        June 20, 2013
  11. Um, yes. The anger parts of the Bean’s first year scared the crap out of me. Apparently when I drop below a certain threshold of sleep, I just completely fucking lose it. I am normally so politely repressed (with regard to my temper, anyway) you’d wonder if I am even in the room. Things got better when I started getting a tiny bit more sleep, but I am a tiny bit terrified about repeating the experience.

    June 20, 2013
  12. CJ #

    You always post just when I need it…

    waiting on part II. Hurry before I throw something…

    June 20, 2013
  13. things I’m not super proud of include throwing a 3 inch thick cutting board at a door frame. If only I limited myself to soft things, the house would be in better shape (but like you, I throw them only when I’m alone, and the cutting board dates back to IF hell days). Repressed anger = fun times.
    Glad you are going to chat about it in therapy. And that Mr. Bunny is making noise about finding a therapist of his own.

    June 20, 2013
  14. I love playing armchair therapist. For other people. I am perfect. Happy. Livin the dream. I believe I have broken some dishes and told the Mr. to just go on an effing walk with the baby. Shit gets real. I am hoping very much for a return to rainbows and unicorns instead of the torture of kitchen items. I find parenting and being a spouse during this time has made old wounds raw. Hoping very much that therapy helps get to whatever might be not so obvious.

    June 21, 2013
  15. I’m beginning to think that less time with my children looks better and better. Also, small children are fucking annoying. Bug makes this noise EXACTLY like a tornado siren that makes me want to tear my ears off (I tried Ma Phones, but they both freak out; I missed my window of conditioning opportunity, or I’m not trying hard enough, or something).

    I hope therapy helps tune up your transmission and that your spouse hies himself thither too. I’m beginning to wonder if mine could use some therapy, or if I’ll murder him first. Hmm….

    June 21, 2013
  16. SRB #

    So… I need to confess that lately I have been LOSING MY SHIT with my toddler. Like, I am the calmest, gentlest parents ever until suddenly I AM NOT. The anger – I have it. I’m all IIIIIMMMM FIIIIIINEEEEE this time, but I think that I am maybe not? Or maybe, after reading this it is normal-ish but not ideal? Because I’ve been YELLING.

    Anxiously awaiting Part Two. ❤

    June 22, 2013
  17. Oh, the ongoing squabbling stuff is so hard and so unpleasant. For me, it’s not fun to have a big ol’ argument, but often those result in actually undestanding each other better. It’s the on-and-on squabbling about stuff that at other times wouldn’t be a big deal that can be so miserable. Glad you’re getting some support (and hope that Mr Bunny follows suit post haste).

    June 24, 2013
  18. Very glad you called. You know, long ago and when I needed it badly, I started seeing a therapist because of you (something I may have mentioned at the time). Perfect and angry…I don’t think it’s that uncommon a combination. But I think that talking it out helps. A lot.

    July 2, 2013
  19. Bunny, I’m writing a second time because I can’t seem to find an e-mail address for you. I’m getting ready to shut down my blog – a long story and I’ll write one last goodbye post about it. But I wanted to touch base with blog friends who have made a difference to me in a pretty profound way over the past few years. I’m going to continue to check in with you. Just won’t have a blog on the reverse side of that equation. Wishing you all best.

    July 2, 2013
  20. Late to this post (well, late to everything anymore, pretty much), but just wanted to raise my hand in solidarity. Not as a fellow therapy-goer (yet), but as a fellow festering pile of anger and put-upon-ness and raising-my-voice-to-regrettable-levels-ness. A seasoned mama friend of mine said to me when I confided [some of] my struggles finally to someone that “you’re not a real parent until until you have more than one child.” ALMOST EVERYTHING about that statement makes me itchy and annoyed from an ALI perspective, and I am loathe to repeat it…but…well…I think, for me, there is some truth in its implication that your parenting changes when you’re balancing more demands. I never had the dark “Who AM I?” moments like I do now, and though things feel as though they are on a rebound, it’s been a crystal clear window into who I am as a parent and how I manage stress and how I manage my fragile sense of self-worth when shit goes down flaming. All that to say, you are not alone. Good on you for taking care of yourself.

    July 3, 2013
    • Oh mama. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through the dark moments as well, but also comforted, of course. YAY! If she’s hurting, we’re all hurting!

      And yeah, I’d never say “you’re not a real parent until…” to anyone, with ANY ending to that sentence, but I am proud of my ability to sometimes do that multiple children thing well.

      July 3, 2013

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