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Tell me about your lady friends

This weekend I attended a wedding with BFB. Old timers may recall this character from my extremely limited cast. It’s true that her B is now FOUR, but…re-branding is confusing. I wanted to write a little epilogue about this relationship because I recently read a post about the destructive effects of infertility on lady friendships. This person is still right in the thick of it, whereas I have a several-years-after-the-experience perspective. I was going to talk about the fact that we had fun and and yet simultaneously I was irritated by every story she told about her boring child, and was thinking the whole time, You need to get that dress altered because I can seriously see YOUR ENTIRE BRA and it is not a good look. Basically, a lot has changed and yet nothing has changed. I was struggling to find some coherent thoughts, though. And then I realized: Part of my struggle with this friendship has always been figuring out how normal I am.

In some of my previous posts about BFB, people have left comments with a I don’t understand why you continue with this friendship when it seems so negative flavor. And I get that. I mean, when people complain about things that they are the boss of having in their lives (e.g., I hate facebook! Solution: Don’t be on facebook.) sometimes I struggle to comprehend. But in spite of sharing some of those life is too short for this bullshit reactions, these comments can make me feel bad. They suggest that most other women have rich, joyous lives filled with warm, uncomplicated, mutually supportive female friendships. Just like on TV. And I don’t. For me, it’s a choice between this one friend here in Mediocre City, or no local friends at all. Superficial work friends, but not real friends.

But there are also the Oh yeah, I’ve got one of those comments. And then I talk to other people, like my brother. He’s a really straightforward, no-nonsense guy and seems reasonable. But he’s got a complex relationship with his best friend that shares some features with my situation. Maybe it’s not just a personal failure on my part.

Maybe there are two kinds of people–those who have complicated friendships and those who don’t. That sounds like a value judgement, where complicated equals real in some way, and uncomplicated equals lame. I don’t mean that at all. It’s just that I don’t think I can understand people who have meaningful, intimate, but wholly positive friendships. And I can see why people who DO have that in their lives wouldn’t understand maintaining relationships that have dimensions of yuckiness, like competition and envy and resentment and un-healable hurts.

So what’s your deal? What are your close relationships with other women like? Lots and lots of lady friends, just like on TV? Do you spend all your time having drinks with them and not being secretly pissed at them? No friends at all because you’re too busy? A few close friends? Are all your friends local? Are your best relationships with people you never see? Have you achieved intimacy without complication? Is it because you’re just a really good person? Or is it because these other women are?

Tell me.

Tell me about your lady friends.

26 Comments Post a comment
  1. I had a close friend like you at one point. Her therapist told her to stop being my friend, so she did.

    I don’t think I’m actually like the BFB you describe, but her representation of me to her therapist (and her ultimate telling me why she was cutting off contact as I listened silently) showed that she does think I’m like that. (Complete with her thinking I was stalking her because I applied to sabbatical some places she was also applying to sabbatical.)

    I cried a lot at the time, because I’d thought we were friends, but I am SO much happier without her in my life now. Too bad you didn’t have that talk with her before she got a job at your institution.

    June 3, 2014
  2. I’ve had both wholly positive friendships with other women and complicated ones. I’ll be honest: over the years, most of the complicated ones have fallen away, as I have had less time and less tolerance for drama in my life.

    I definitely don’t think that I’ve had these positive friendships because I’m a really good person. To the extent that I’ve ever considered the matter, I like to think that it’s payback for the difficult social times I experienced in middle school and high school. 🙂

    June 3, 2014
  3. Middle aged people either have old friends or no friends. I am an eastern european, living in Germany. The friends I had in my home country think I am an idiot and are sure they could have done so much better than I, if only they had half of my luck. The people here are not famous for being open and friendly to foreigners. The ladies I meet are mums of small children, so interaction is limited (George, stop swinging on the gate, the circus will drive by and think you’re a monkey and steal you!). So yeah. Redefining normal every day.

    June 3, 2014
  4. Misfit #

    No local buddies. Two close friends one of which is my cousin, so not sure that counts. I try to have local friends, but, um, yeah, normal. What’s that?

    If it is any indication, when I went shopping for my wedding dress, there was no one with me. I bought my dress on the internet eventually. I just have had trouble finding the right kind of weirdo in my life.

    June 3, 2014
  5. I feel like this has been a lifetime struggle for me. I’ve always over compensated for not feeling good enough or cool enough of girly enough…I can go on. I have one mediocre local friend. Someone I’d call on a Friday off and get in quick comment passing with. I truly don’t secretly hate or judge her and I feel she is on the same wavelength. But we only hang when kids are involved. I will say the friends I moved away from a year ago are more true friends now than they were then. So distance made my heart grow fonder of them. Plus I’m not there in the thick of the competition. So it’s better. Out of those 5 lady friends, 1 I feel I could call crying on my worst day with zero judgement. Then the other friends that I just love and admire from afar. No judgement or bs. I know people who have sustainable lady friendships. Good Midwestern folk. Few and far between. And although I feel I could be a great friend to someone new I’d worry about it and judge myself. I understand maybe because I too seem to have complex relationships. I think maybe BFB is worth keeping in the local friend pool. I mean you have history and know what to expect. And you don’t have to start over. Perhaps that is just the nature of your lady friendship with BFB . It doesn’t have to be perfect. It is really nice to just know that she’s there and the ball is in your court. Pass it to her every now and then if you feel like it. Catch it if she tosses one your way and you feel like it. Don’t give up on it though. Not telling you what to do of course, just weighing in.

    Does BFB have a lot of close lady friends? Part of the sting with her could be a projection of her own issues anout friendship.

    June 4, 2014
  6. 1) College roommate. Person I immediately called with recent upsetting news. Me, her, our four kids, her husband, and her parents are all going camping for three days this weekend. I can trust her to understand and help with most things, although she’s a housewife in rural PA and I’m… well, now I’m a housewife in rural VA, but I *did* do other things, and she ended up working at an auto salvage yard… different lives, lots of geographical distance. I’d say it’s a complicated relationship just because people are complicated, but without resentment attached to the complications. Our lives are different, but we still have a lot of mutual affection and shared values to carry it through. Even when I was pregnant and she was having a miscarriage after infertility… she was sad for her situation, but happy for me, you know? And I was sad for her too. All I’m saying is, I’m glad we managed to not let infertility wreck our friendship. But I could have been a jerk about it and it would have!

    2) My fruit-stealing partner in crime. Still in WI. Relationship built on doing stuff together, and a lot of talking; now there’s a lot of emailing. A different kind of emotional relationship but also very supportive. The kind of friend you make as a real adult rather than a college student – still great, different.

    3) A bunch of people I’ve known for 20 years whose lives are so crazy I don’t talk to them much any more. It’s too fatiguing to hold my tongue for that long. Like your BFB, but more so (think- that friend whose spouse got kicked out of grad school for not writing his damn paper).

    4) Some people here. We’ve connected so far at just a few points of our lives. People I talk to at the library. People I garden with. People I cook with. People I see at religious events. Casual friends, but maybe some will turn into kind-of-real friends? Even if I think they’re a little crazy in some way. They probably think the same about me. Some people I do go have a drink with.
    4a) A fabulous group of knitters, mainly between ten and forty years older than me, who all get together and drink wine once a week and who are infinitely supportive and wonderful. Like a batch of older sisters, mothers, and grandmas, all in one place. With wine.

    5) My youngest sister. A good sibling relationship. Although, I think she’s dating a chick, and is afraid to tell me, and I’m a little confused about the afraid part, because as long as everyone’s being decent to each other, do I care who’s in bed together? (no!) but! Too much information!

    June 4, 2014
  7. I don’t have many good friends. There are two women that I met through my blog that I’m close with, and while they live close enough to see every few months I don’t feel like I see them enough. I text with one a lot and that is how I keep my sanity but I wish we could get together more. A lot of times I feel like I’m always the one reaching out first and that sucks, but I feel like that in all my friendships so maybe it’s just me?

    I don’t feel like I have any other really good friends. I have three college friends that were roommates/BFFs but my depression/anxiety and then IF/loss did a fucking number on those relationships. Now they are mere shadows of what they once were, but they are still in my life, if only peripherally. And that is really it. It’s not much, I wish I had more friends. I don’t really expect to have more friends but who knows. A girl can dream.

    I just went back and read through all the links that had to do with BFB and man, that is a complicated relationship. I understand why you don’t just ditch her, as many suggested. Old friendships are hard. I think it would be particularly hard if you had to work with her and it would be hard avoid her. How you would stop being her friend in that situation?! Anyway, I get why it’s so tough to navigate and I feel for you, I really do. I hope it works itself out in the way that is least offensive for you. Good luck.

    June 4, 2014
  8. Angie #

    I’m terrible at friendship, possibly because I’ve always fallen for the “friendships are always positive” line and failed to persevere enough with imperfect relationships. I have some more casual friendships (acquaintanceships?) which have been trouble-free but imagine things would be different if I was closer to them.

    June 4, 2014
  9. I have a small circle of friends of both genders, most of whom annoy the shit out of me, regardless of gender. I think the fact that I wrote that sentence points to me NOT being “a really good person.”

    I have one lady friend with whom I have a truly supportive, non-jealous relationship. It hasn’t always been that way, but as with all long-term relationships (about 8 years so far), we’ve waxed and waned and have learned over the years how we each need love shown to us, and can give that without qualification. Our glue is that we make each other laugh so hard that we pee ourselves. She’s local and we chat by email every day, and I see her at least once a week – mostly, so she can spend time with my son (her godson), but also to catch up for a couple hours.

    I would call all of my other friendships “complicated,” and most of the reason I still have them is because they’ve also been in my life for a lot of years, so…. That’s not a great reason to hang onto something that has ‘layers of yuckiness,’ as you say. And stagnation isn’t how I live my life in any other area, but in friends? I guess I’m not as ambitious. I’ve never needed many, and I don’t find myself desiring to be more social or to have more friends.

    An interesting discussion, Bunny.

    June 4, 2014
  10. I don’t have friends like TV people do. My closest local friend is a mother with children of corresponding age and gender to mine, and who has similar parenting philosophies. (A few differences, but none to cause a conflict.) We meet for playdates, but we don’t go out for drinks. I have no issues with her, but equally, she is not somebody I would turn to for emotional support. I don’t really have people I turn to for emotional support other than my husband…

    Mostly, I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t do friends in the popular way. I have friends who I care about and who I love talking to, but I don’t want to go out much. I feel like I’m happy and loved without doing the circle of friends thing.

    June 4, 2014
  11. Nicky #

    Background: I am an early-30’s homemaker with a MS in Biochemistry. Also, a good Midwesterner. I left with the MS because 1. I wasn’t happy w/ advisor and my research, and 2. It’s really quite challenging to afford daycare for an infant on two grad student stipends. So, DH got a good-paying job and I stayed home with kids. I am surprisingly happy with this, given my feminist ideals and happiness with my own mother’s choice to have a career and children.

    Considering the difficulty I had making friends in school, I have a surprising number of friendships now. I don’t really keep up with anyone from high school (except peripherally, on FB), and not many people from college. I have made some very good friends in grad school who I try to see once a year as travel allows. My grad school friends who remained local are a mixed bag. One stayed in grad school and got her PhD after 7 years, is employed in BioChem and childless. I love her dearly. One left with a MS when I did, is employed in BioChem and has been successful, and just recently had her first child. I enjoy her company despite our personality differences, but DH doesn’t so I don’t see her often. These two friends I consider as “paths my life could have taken,” yet, I am happy with my choices and sincerely wish them well when good things happen for them.

    I have some good mom-friends made AC (after children). They’re generally highly educated SAHM’s who believe in vaccination and not spoiling children. There is that one home-schooling mom w/strong beliefs on various subjects, and yet I enjoy her company and reiterate that my oldest son is doing fine in public school, thanks. I judge one or two friends (privately, in my head) for over scheduling their children and weekends, but it works for their families, and it’s none of my business to say anything. Oh, I have a good friend from church who works outside the home and has children. We hang out some weekends and more often if she is between jobs. She’s fantastic at networking and knows people all over the city. Plus she’s very vibrant and different from me. Jenny F. Scientist and I bond over fruit (growing, gleaning, and cooking it), unaccountable husband behavior, and the trials of raising two boys.

    I am also good friends with a 67-year-old former neighbor/adopted grandmother. We get together for coffee, she tells me of her difficulties with her 95-year-old mother and I complain about my darling yet occasionally difficult husband. She tells me what her late husband did that drove her crazy. She watches my kids, I do her taxes.

    In short, I’m not a very competitive person and have nothing to compete about (except perhaps how delightfully my children behave? Hah! That is a crapshoot, really.) I try to unconditionally love people, support them as needed, and ask for help when I need it. I haven’t had a friend completely let me down or misrepresent themselves to me. Hmm, perhaps one friend, but she kind of drifted away after that. I sincerely wish all my good friends would move next door to me so I could see them every day and our kids could all play together. I’d grow fruit for everyone! Alas, my friends follow their jobs, climate preferences, or move closer to family and generally end up moving away. Thank heavens for the Internet!

    PS: Perhaps BFB was excited to take a job at your institution because she knew you and enjoys your company. The similar research area IS tricky, I understand how you could feel competitive over that.

    June 4, 2014
  12. At the risk of sounding like an award acceptance speech, I’m honored to be mentioned on your blog. Cool stuff.

    Quite a hot-button topic, friendship between women. I know it’s always something I’ve felt on the outskirts of; I never had a Best Friend the way a lot of girls and women talk about best friends. I always idealized it as sleeping in the same bed, braiding each other’s hair, telling all your secrets, talking about periods and boys and… well essentially the Babysitter’s Club. I’ve been very lucky to have a group of good girl friends from high school and college who keeps in touch. Being from a big city, most of us got to move back after college and live with our parents until we were less po, and no one seems to notice that we’re just a bunch of glorified townies who couldn’t figure out another place to live. We get together for dinner when we can, and they’re all people I feel comfortable with and can be fairly candid around, even after not speaking for weeks or months, and I feel incredibly fortunate to have that in my life. However, there is a line I never cross with any of them as far as intimacy goes – none of them knows about any of this IF stuff, for instance. So it’s a weird combo of having good friends, but the friendships having limits. The big upside being the complication rate is pretty low. Mulva is the only person I really breached that intimacy barrier with and, well, you know that story.

    So I was reading your post and thinking about my friendships – with Mulva, and others – as well as the friendships of other people I’ve known. The more I think about it, the more I don’t believe uncomplicated intimate relationships do exist, outside of childhood. And while I agree that “complicated” is not equal to “real” and “uncomplicated” to “lame”, I don’t think you’re that far off. When I think about uncomplicated adult relationships, I think of the ones that don’t run all that deep. Not to say they aren’t valuable, they absolutely can be, but the relationships I care most about invariably have years worth of baggage and complications, but, you know, a whole shitload of love, too.

    June 4, 2014
  13. Ana #

    I have very few friends right now, and while I was actively trying to make friends a while back I’ve given up entirely. I have recently lost touch with all my good friends from childhood that I’d kept so well in touch with through college/grad school/marriage. It was having kids that finally sealed the nails in those coffins, I just didn’t have it in me to keep reaching out. I would totally keep a complicated friend because I am just that hard up for friends right now. Plus, the longer you know someone the more complicated the backstory likely is.

    June 4, 2014
  14. Mara #

    I have two awesome girlfriends, and the three of us are a three-way friendship. We were roommates 15 years ago when we were just out of college, and then we moved to other parts of the world (one lives in Australia, the other lives a few states away). They are awesome. We have a three way skype once a month. I can tell them anything and I trust them enough that one of them (the stateside one) is in our will as guardians for our kids if anything happens to us.

    I have another close friend that’s local. Things aren’t perfect, but I have been able to set boundaries for most things that have been issues in the past. I’ve known her since right after college, too.

    Most other my friends are casual friendships – women from my moms group, moms from my kids’ daycare, old friends, etc. I enjoy them for what they are – good conversation, company, etc.

    I have zero friends at work and it makes being here all day kind of lonely.

    June 4, 2014
  15. Old friends I keep in touch with regularly (4), new friends I keep I touch with regularly (1), new on their way to being friends (moms of kids in s’s daycare or met at the park) (4), blog friends I’ve never met but would be more likeu to turn to with issues (4), and acquaintances. Of my old friends, 2 of the 4 have kids and the other 2 are the ones I would classify as my ‘best’ friends although sadly the no kid thing does factor in. I’m always insecure when meeting new people and am amazed that anyone would want to hang out with me. I also find I’m the one initiating doing things. I do think that in general we are much more reluctant to just call someone up or drop in one someone, to the detriment of friendship in general. The way friendships here have developed has been through forces or chance contact ( park, daycare events, kid birthdays). And texting is so wonderful with those for whom he passage of time doesn’t matter and who you can just start and stop new topics with. But I find that I am hesitant to ‘bother’ people in general. Insecurity! I do put effort though into staying in touch because I don’t want to regret it later. I wish I lived closer to you blog peeps.

    June 5, 2014
  16. This is a tough one. Most of them live miles and miles away and don’t even know I’m pregnant – so much for close. After the twins died it’s just been hard to engage in communication, from both sides I guess. The only non-local friend who knows is a guy, not sure what that says…
    Then I have two local friends. Not extremely close, perhaps, but we do talk about intimate stuff. But it’s not the same as those friends I’ve known for years – even if there may not be much right now, I’m quite confident that we will be close whenever we meet again. And, unless anyone is pregnant or otherwise unable to, we sure have drinks.

    June 5, 2014
  17. Hmmm. I have a crew of friends that have been my usual suspects since the end of high school. They are all gay, except for me and another girl. None of us are ‘normal’. Freaks fly together. They are my best friends, but they are mostly men. If I’m going to spend my precious weekend time with anyone other than the kid and The Boy, it is them. But they are not lady friends.
    I reconnected with a lot of the girls I was friends with at school recently. They are utterly lovely. We all stayed together (with their husbands) while we were in England for the wedding of another school friend, and we have been in touch much more since we got back. But it didn’t occur to me to tell them that my nan had died.
    The three mothers I connected with from my local council-organised mother’s group are gems. They sent dinner and texts and flowers while I was in hospital and checked in all week… I am lucky to have them, but they are relatively recent friends. We spent a pretty intense year together, which cemented things, I guess. None of them work full-time like I do and they all have more babies now, so I don’t see them as often as they see each other, but we do have a sacred monthly dinner together, which is wonderful. I feel like this is the sort of friendship women have with women, but it’s not something I have really had before, and it kind of happened by accident. I suspect they are all much lovelier people than I am.
    My one ‘best’ girl friendship is a high school one, and complicated. I love, love, love C, with all my heart, and when we call each other, we can talk for hours. She was kind of prickly at school, and aligning myself with her was a safe way of drifting from the girls I had been friends with for longer but was feeling less in common with. She came to live with my parents for a while. They adore her. (My step-grandfather, at my nan’s funeral, saw her and cried ‘The scatterbrained one!’) I have never been quite sure what she sees in me, though. And as much as I count her as my best girl friend, we see each other maybe four, five times a year? (Apart from a brief period where maternity leave schedules aligned.) Never with our husbands. I’m not even sure they’ve met. We live five minutes from each other. I do love her, but it’s complicated…

    June 5, 2014
  18. I have been wondering how things have been going since BFB joined your department. It must be complicated I am sure.
    I’ve been thinking about this friendship issue a lot lately. It’s complicated. I have no local friends, although I would like a small circle of close friends. I seem to have made friends with people at the office, but I’ve never seen these people outside the office, even though I am sure I would like them if I did.

    June 6, 2014
  19. Winter Blue #

    I think you should keep BFB. I think that whatever glue kept you together this long is worth seeing out. Friendships are hard, and yours has gone through some muck. But you managed to keep it together for the most part. You are in the same dept, in the same mediocre city, and you used to be the real deal. Maybe you just need to ride it out with limited contact for a while – I think friendships get harder when you have kids – maybe you will be old lady BFF’s and laugh at your young selves together. Likely something terrible and horrible will happen to her and the tables will turn and you’ll be the one trying to figure out how to support her when she’s on the floor.

    My lady friends – I had a good strong set in grad school but left them on the West coast to take a job in the middle. We keep in touch mostly through annual visits and email. I started from scratch here 6 years ago and have some good what I call friend ‘buds’, i.e., those that might start to bear fruit eventually. But not too many drinks out type. I seem to always feel like a hanger on now (seems I meet a lot of people with a really great intimate set of friends here and they kindly invite me to their parties where I feel jealous of their great relationships). I also have a Mulva back West… we are still cordial but I fear I personally destroyed our friendship by being a huge jerk to her for a few years of IF. She is kind of a jerk now though – maybe I deserve it. We still see each other occasionally but I suspect she does it out of duty more than love…. maybe it can be salvaged but we are so far apart, I wonder what’s the point?

    June 6, 2014
  20. kaseypowers #

    This is interesting because I’ve been thinking about the friends in my life a lot lately and how for the first time in my adult life I have real local friends. The kind I send random text messages to or can call for no reason. And these are all pretty positive relationships. I think once I had kids it was easy to move any of the complicated I’m not sure I really like you people who were in my same social circle to friendly acquaintances and leave them there. It simplified my life an removed stress. I did go through a really lonely period though where I had my grad school cohort and church people, but it took awhile to move to real I can depend on you friend stage. And now I have my tribe, a mixture of school, church, and daycare parent friends. I like it and I’m glad for it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a more complicated friendship, we all have to find what works for us.

    June 8, 2014
  21. This is so extraordinarily interesting. Human relationships eh? Do we need each other more than we need to compete?

    I have two best friends I see often, one kind, practical, stoic; the other mystical, artistic, sensitive. They are both great and absolutely There For Me in different ways. Sometimes I get ideas about having more of a group thing going on, (though this confuses/exhausts me even as I enjoy it) and join the choir, say, or community art thing (joint purpose, neutral venue, no need for sparkling conversation) which does actually (!) answer that need.

    I am most grateful for these friends because be the living hokey I had some corkers in the past and I got stuck with them for eternal ages, because I am sentimental and prone to midnight regret. The cull does not come easily, dammit. But if I can’t say honestly: this person genuinely wants the best for me, and I for her, she’s probably not a real friend anyway. Ipso facto, right? There was one Italian frienemy (for lack of a better term) whose bad temper, questionable attitudes to foreigners and meanness with money would maybe not have been deal breakers, given the entertainment value and hilarity she brought, had it not been for her experiencing my successes or progress as if they were her personal losses. As it was, ciao. (Well, I say ciao, in reality it was a painfully slow withdrawal of birthday wishes and moral support.)

    So I understand something of the BFB dilemma. Does she want the best for you, bunny? Do you have a laugh? Does she console you when you are sad and celebrate when you are happy? Or do you represent a standard for her to compete against? I get the impression there is a uncomfortable undercurrent in the friendship, but there’s no reason it can’t be resolved. Things do shift and people get softer over time. The competitiveness becomes less urgent with age.

    There must be other decent souls in Mediocre City, I presume? They’d be lucky to meet you; you’re a delight.

    June 9, 2014
    • What an excellent set of criteria, Twangy. We DO want the best for each other, and we certainly laugh a lot. And we did do the console – sad, celebrate – happy combo, but I think we are now a little wary of each other because of having hurt and annoyed each other a bunch, so are less likely to share things that require consolation OR celebration. It is better now, despite my claim that nothing has changed. And I think what you say about age softening us is very true. I think we will be all wrinkly and old together. Thank you for sharing your hilarious Italian Friend example.

      June 10, 2014
      • Ooh, good, I was afraid I ‘d Gone On in a yawn-inducing, self-important way. It does sound like BFB has earned longevity points, and Heaven knows those are very hard to come by. She seems fundamentally a good sort, too. Also, if someone gives me a laugh, she earns a lot of Get Out Of Jail cards. Sometimes, I have noticed a friendship can enter a satisfying, rewarding phase, after the hassles and annoyance have been patiently overcome. Like with marriage.

        June 14, 2014
  22. I always say that I have the best friends in the world, and I believe it. But of course, I believe myself to be so fundamentally flawed that I often wonder why people are friends with me. I have at times succumbed to the thought that only people who live very far away can tolerate me (my very closest friends are in Boston and Cincinnati). But that isn’t completely true. There are people around with whom I have very close relationships. Family has been so hard for me; friendship seems so much more life giving.
    Admittedly, some of those friendships are more complicated than others. And there are some close friends with whom I’ve had to stop being friends, which I did not always handle gracefully. A bit like Twangy, I also try to use that notion of whether there is still a meaningful exchange between the two.
    So, I’m not remembering all my past comments about you and BFB (I hope I wasn’t a complete asshole), but it seems that if you are still wanting to be friends with her, and she with you, there is enough in the relationship to keep you both interested.

    June 11, 2014
  23. Jen #

    I have a dear friend who I’ve known since childhood and our relationship is fraught with issues but there’s an underlying thread that we are friends…more like sisters really and so that keeps us together. I do sometimes wonder if she and I became friends now would we even enjoy each others company? I am still friends with her, she features prominently in some of my posts from when she was being clueless about my pain through a miscarriage or through trying to get pregnant.

    I also have friendships that are easier and less deep.

    I also had a friend pass away last year, someone I didn’t realize how much I valued until she was gone. It’s made me re-evaluate the challenges of friendship. I wish my friend was around to annoy me now. Of course it’s always easier to see in retrospect. I wasn’t always a good friend to her and wish I’d been had I known…but I didn’t know.

    June 12, 2014

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