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Fuck you, mysterious animal!

It’s bad enough when some mysterious animal (chipmunk? squirrel? possum? woodchuck? raccoon? skunk? …all have been sighted in my yard) eats your strawberries when they’re nice and ripe and you’re juuuust about to pick them an share with your children the I Grew These Bitches strawberry experience, but when some mysterious animal takes ONE shitty little bite out of the ones that aren’t even anywhere near ripe and then discards them! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU, animal.

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And because no-one loves a tortured metaphor more than me, that’s kind of my summer so far. I love summer so much, and I’ve reminding myself that this is the time of year for me to just enjoy the fuck out of everything and not get bogged down. But a mysterious animal (tiredness, dispositional impatience, tendency to feel overwhelmed when all is fine–all have been sighted in my psyche) keeps taking a big bite out of my….uh….not-yet-ripened psychological strawberries. So I’ll be planning to stroll home and have a cocktail and enjoy some time with my precious children and then CHOMP before I know it I’m getting bitten by mosquitoes while desperately trying to do some yard task that’s been stressing me out and meanwhile my children are off destroying something or making each other cry and then I just want to be asleep.

What’s the metaphorical equivalent of bird netting?

12 Comments Post a comment
  1. I have snails and slugs that eat whatever finally grows in my garden, leaves, fruit, they do not care of ripeness. I hate those fuckers with a passion. Even the special anti-slug fence does not keep them away. Good luck in getting back your garden. Or at least in killing the stupid things ruining your work.

    June 13, 2014
  2. I say the whole Order Rodentia should fuck off out of your garden and/or life. Rodents!!

    June 13, 2014
  3. I like your metaphors, Bunny.

    Hope you get a nice juicy strawberry soon.

    June 14, 2014
  4. Naturally I will not tolerate any mean treatment of strawberries. Put on some anti-bug balm, have a cocktail anyway, and maybe a really tight fence?

    June 14, 2014
  5. Mmmmm home grown strawberries….Nothing in the fruit world is better and so much different than it’s grocery store counterpart. god damn hungry animals. Fuck those bitches and plan a stake out and get em. It could also be an underprivileged neighbor kid out foraging for real food because word at play group is your strawberries are the shit and the underripe ones have specail powers. If that’s the case keep said kid as your own.

    June 14, 2014
  6. twangy #

    Gin?

    Sorry about the garden, bunny. So many rodents! That’s America. I have slugs, myself. I can’t kill them, because poor things, they can’t help it, so we co-exist in disharmony, me avenging the damage periodically by chucking one of the feckers over the fence.

    June 15, 2014
  7. Tendency to feel overwhelmed when all is fine! Yes! Now we just need a catchy acronym and it’s like 2 steps from there to the DSM-V.
    I hate animals! I hope you can stroll somewhere else to have that cocktail soon.

    June 15, 2014
  8. SRB #

    OMFG! I would be sitting on my porch with a beebee gun. Is that a metaphorical bird net? Sometimes I wonder if a beebe gun wouldn’t be just the ticket for my rage. There IS a cardinal in my yard that needs to STFU at 5:00 am. (P.S. This is all a metaphor about ME, which is to say that I feel YOU). XO

    June 16, 2014
  9. ana #

    Same thing is happening to our strawberries. Little bites of unripe berries all over the damn place. We were SOOO excited and I kept my 2-year old from destroying them through not-so-gentle measures, all for naught.
    And yes on the immature strawberry psyche, too. I’m trying to enjoy the fleeting wonder of summer but damn, sometimes its TOO hot, and the kids are TOO sticky with ice cream and TOO giddy. and I just want to get into bed with the window unit blowing directly on me and shut out the world…

    June 16, 2014
  10. I’m not one hundred percent sure of this, but I think I may like a tortured metaphor as much as you do, not to mess with your hyperbole or anything. I can hardly wait to torture metaphors together soon, my friend.
    Fuck you, animals, both the strawberry-chomping and soul-sucking kind. If you find good psychic bird netting please tell us about it. My own psychological bird netting appears to be made out of candy floss, which I don’t recommend.

    June 17, 2014
  11. i’m with twangy. the answer is alcohol.

    June 18, 2014
  12. Are you sure you didn’t get those strawberries from my garden? The exact same thing happens to me. I hope you find some good bird netting (of the physical and metaphorical kinds) ASAP.

    June 20, 2014

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