I hate homecomings
The last few times I’ve left my children, coming home has been really hard. I am desperate to see the babies, and my spouse tells me they’ve been asking after me, leading me to believe they miss me too. But they have no interest in me, and Bun Bun actively rejects me and won’t let me cuddle her.
I had to go out of town for a couple of days this week. I did my best to emotionally prepare for the homecoming. I reminded myself that they weren’t going to be happy to see me the way I’d be happy to see them. I reminded myself that rejecting behavior doesn’t mean they don’t love me. I reminded myself that I would have to find a way to not reject them back, even if I really wanted to.
Then my flight was delayed, so I ended up getting home at one in the morning and then couldn’t fall asleep. And then Bunlet started screaming at 6. So instead of the thoughtful, controlled homecoming I’d visualized, I staggered into their room and picked him up and staggered back in the direction of my bed. And he pushed me away and cried and then before I knew what was happening, Bun Bun had crawled into my bed and wanted to lie in my spot and I was desperate to be lying down, and then Bun Bun pushed me away and cried and elbowed me in the breast and hurt me quite a lot and then rolled over to be comforted by her daddy and the next thing I knew was weeping with despair because my children HATE ME.
The logical part of me knows this is all normal and okay, and the fact that they feel they can push me away means that a) they have a secure relationship with their father and b) they feel they can test the limits of my affection… And it’s only the beginning. I certainly need to get good at dealing with this dynamic.
But I just hate it. Bun Bun is generally more into her father, which is hard enough. (I thought they were supposed to trade off favoring parents. When’s MY turn going to come?) And Bunlet is now in a daddy favoring phase, too, so I really feel like a useless member of the family. I have a very profound What is the POINT of me? Would they be happier if I just vanished? feeling. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Don’t ever want to leave again. Good thing I have to be gone for a week next month.