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Shuttering the uterus

Let’s start by spoiling the narrative arc. This is not a story about pregnancy, but about no more pregnancy. And I’m sorry if anyone reads it and feels broken-hearted because I can (in theory) have more babies when other women can’t have any.

Last week my walk to the office took a detour to the hospital pharmacy. (I work next to a hospital.) This time I wasn’t going there to pick up a trigger shot or some clomid as I had many times before, but because I needed a pregnancy test. I was four days late, which is VERY unusual for me. And while I’d taken a test the day before and seen a clear negative, the test was quite expired, and my period was still missing. So it had occurred to me that it might be wise to stop by the closest thing to a drug store in my immediate environment to get a fresh test. As I walked through the door of the hospital I detected that suspicious feeling in my nethers, and instead headed for the bathroom. Where I was greeted by buckets of gore. I was glad.

What’s more, when I’d taken the expired test, the thought that was going through my head as I waited was: I can’t do it again. More pregnancy, more c-section recovery, more diapers, more baby gates, more sleep deprivation, more toddlers… And I felt that way when pregnancy, c-section recovery, sleep deprivation, toddlers have all been about as easy as they can be.

This is radically different from how I felt a year ago. Then the thought of not having those experiences (I mean, pregnancy, newborn-ness…not so much DIAPERS! C-sections!) made me burst into tears. I couldn’t imagine moving on. But things have slowly changed. Life is so much easier than it used to be, and people keep telling me it gets easier still. It’s hard to give that up. And I’ve gradually come to realize that the parts I want to have again (the amazing experience that is having a tiny baby) are really fleeting. And even if I had ten children, I would probably still long for that part.

So I think that’s it. I think the uterus is retired.

Except…we have a name for the third fetus. Bunter. I feel like I am betraying Bunter by not letting him escape from my ovaries. I feel like he would have been so amazing, and how can I make a conscious decision to not meet him?

But we also had a name for the fourth fetus. Bundle.

And the 5th. Bunting.

It’s Buns all the way down.

I suppose that my previous experiences can serve me well, here. I don’t need to rush or DO anything (other than telling Mr. Bunny it’s time to consider a vasectomy).

Time will pass and I will find a way to say goodbye to Bunter.

9 Comments Post a comment
  1. Jos #

    Such a hard decision to make, the whole family planning bit. Part of me likes that things are getting easier, and part of me really wants to try for a 3rd. Then I see what my BIL/SIL are going through (a m/c with #3 today – she would have been 9-10 weeks) and I just don’t know if my heart can handle it. *sigh* Big decisions. Best of luck for you to decide what is best for your family.

    October 3, 2014
  2. I love the third, fourth and fifth fetus names. Except that I somehow feel relief to read that you are boarding up the ute. I love you more than any hypothetical, albeit cherished, future Bun. And I know you are strong and you would gladly have another baby, but at the same time, I know there were hard parts. And that your plate is full. And that you would need a different car, and you love your car. And Mr. Bunny would also need a new car. And the Bun Bunnery would be big enough, but maybe not. And then what.
    Anyway, that’s not a very empathic, reflective comment. But I’m sending love and empathy and good thoughts in a non eloquent way.

    October 4, 2014
  3. I am in a similar boat. Pretty sure I’m done yet so not ready to take drastic actions juuuusssttt in case. So I popped in an iud to buy myself a few years of contemplation…but after it went in I was pretty certain that I’m ready to move on to whatever part of life is coming next.

    October 4, 2014
  4. Hey Bunny- you’re such an amazing person. All I can tell you is that I made the decision and sometimes look back like a crazy person and sometimes I’m relieved that I can’t look back. Until O, I very distinctly felt worried, like I wanted more, like I wasn’t done. After the decision I am relieved and no longer on high alert. I don’t get jealous when I see pregnant moms anymore or sad when I’m putting my jumperoo out with a ‘free’ sign, but I will say that I was unsure how I’d really feel after the decision and for a while I was like a fish out of water. I knew enough on the inside that I needed to and wanted to make the decision. BUt it’s still not easy and may not be easy immediately afterwards. And it still might not be your time. Only you know that. And only you will get there when you get there. Don’t rush or push yourself. And know that it’s okay to not be totally sure and to change your mind.

    October 4, 2014
  5. Thanks for sharing, Bunny. I wonder if fertility-challenged people ever feel as “done” as those without any issues do. And while we don’t have names, we have actual frozen embryos. Before embarking on IVF I never assumed it would be so hard to decide what to do with them – because, while I’d love a big family, there’s 6 of them. And they are siblings of A & C and SB and I love them. But that’d be a really big family. I just have no idea what to do, and am mainly glad the decision doesn’t need to be made now.

    October 5, 2014
  6. Misfit #

    Bunuelo. Bungry. Mr. Bun-Bungkes. I hardly knew ye. Exact same shut down. Shit. toddlers. I am ever grateful for Elfina here. And since my dissolving stitches are flaking from the cooter, I suspect that I am a dried up prune of a uterus, so shuttering before some other disaster would be prudent.

    Toddler plus a baby acting as mama is pacifier leaves no hands for the blog. Must email you soon.

    Lots of love for that warren of wishful newborn-y sweetness. It was worth it.

    October 6, 2014
  7. Misfit #

    Realizing after reading other people’s so supportive comments that I am an A-hole. Hi. Also wanting to express this serious spot of complexity and nodding to the grief of leaving that which is fleeting in favor of easier days fore to come. As someone who really disliked being pregnant (ironic, no?) I just have no feeling where that bit used to be. Sorta like the area near my c-section or at least the diminished vague sense of lady bits also from this last one.

    Throw a serious job into the mix and having even more children feels like having more stuff to underachieve all at once. Looking to easier days and being around as you find them.

    October 6, 2014
  8. Really hard decisions, and I’m glad that you’re getting closer to finding clarity about what you want.
    I love the baby bunny names. Maybe they could be used for pets? Except that might get confusing if the pets were not actually bunnies….

    October 8, 2014
  9. AmyG #

    I can relate. Two kids isn’t exactly a lot, but GOOD GOD, THE LAUNDRY! And there would be mini-vans, and there would me even more years until leaving the house mostly means getting everyone to pee first. But, those babies. Just magic.

    October 26, 2014

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